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Horace Cordier
10-01-2012, 02:39 PM
I'm bored. Lets try a game called "really bad exploitation concepts". Give a title and tag line. Here is mine:

SASQUATCH WITH A GUN

"Furry and firearms don't mix!"

Barry M
10-01-2012, 02:41 PM
Hookers on Gravy (sorry for the can-con)

Barry M
10-01-2012, 03:00 PM
THE GERUNDING: "Half-noun, half-verb, all frightening." "He liked verbs so much, he had to dress like one."

THE ECSTASY OF BILLY JACK (sorry, more Can-Con)

DEEP GROATS (aka SUPERMAN FUCKS A HOUSE)

Ian Jane
10-01-2012, 03:07 PM
THE ECSTASY OF BILLY JACK

I'd watch that.

Barry M
10-01-2012, 03:12 PM
WHO IS THAT BLACK GIRL?

Synopsis: Prologue: White guy wonders who that black girl is, turns to internet. Act I: nope. Act II: nope. Act III: yep, that's her, and she kills him. Epilogue: Black girl types in "WHO IS THAT WHITE GUY?" Fade...

THAT CRAZY GUY IAN WORKS WITH

This is self-explanatory, but Tobey Maguire plays CG. At the end, after the school gym is saved, everybody realizes we're all a little crazy, and hugs, and CG hands out beers from his trunk and everyone sings Stones songs.

BLUES BROTHERS 3000

Voodoo queen sends Dan Aykroyd (not JAKE, who is dead) into the fuutre, to year 2117. He is helped by cute twins, a robot monkey and the LAST BLUESMAN ON EARTHS to put the band back together. Steve Buscemi cameo as JAKE at the end.

I give up.

Barry M
10-01-2012, 03:14 PM
POUTINE-AGE HIKEAWAYS: HOOKERS ON GRAVY II

Barry M
10-01-2012, 03:18 PM
LEGOLAS MY EGGO

This is elf-explanatory, but the part of Legolas is played by that kid everybody hates, and he tries to make toaster waffles with hilarious results.

UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

Dracula (not the Spanish one), Frankenstein, Wolfman, Creature and Invisible Man open a pancake house, then get sued.

Apronikoff
10-01-2012, 03:22 PM
UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

Dracula (not the Spanish one), Frankenstein, Wolfman, Creature and Invisible Man open a pancake house, then get sued.

HA!

How about:

ILSA, RECORDS KEEPER OF THE IRS

"She audited so terribly...even the IRS feared her!"

paul h.
10-01-2012, 03:29 PM
UNIVERSAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES

Dracula (not the Spanish one), Frankenstein, Wolfman, Creature and Invisible Man open a pancake house, then get sued.

I hope this one is in 3-D! Especially the pancakes, and the lawsuit.

Ehren H
10-01-2012, 03:32 PM
Times Square's Worst Hookers

A period piece focusing on sex workers with little skill, who lament the small amounts of money they make. Finally, our whore-with-a-heart-of-gold protagonist meets an asexual man whom she falls in love with after they find out they both love The Carol Burnett Show.

Tagline: "They tried to give their bodies...and no one wanted them."

Barry M
10-01-2012, 03:33 PM
I hope this one is in 3-D! Especially the pancakes, and the lawsuit.

LAWSUITS!!!! PLURAL.

Probably have to be 6-D, at least. Don't come alone.

Horace Cordier
10-01-2012, 05:06 PM
Some of these are already better concepts than ACTUALLY released flicks like NIGHT OF THE LEPUS.

Barry M
10-01-2012, 05:53 PM
Zalman King presents CONJUNCTION JUNCTION: THE REMAKE

The Silly Swede
10-01-2012, 06:23 PM
THAT CRAZY GUY IAN WORKS WITH

This is self-explanatory, but Tobey Maguire plays CG. At the end, after the school gym is saved, everybody realizes we're all a little crazy, and hugs, and CG hands out beers from his trunk and everyone sings Stones songs.



I'd watch that, but only if Mel Gibson played Ian.

Ian Jane
10-01-2012, 07:26 PM
I'd watch that, but only if Mel Gibson played Ian.

Haha, if Crazy Guy weren't Jewish he'd be a good choice for the lead.

Barry M
10-01-2012, 07:45 PM
Maybe he could be in the Ghetto Sukkah Triology.

BACKYARD SUKKAHS (aka IT'S SUKKOT YOU LESBIANS)
SUKKAH TAKEDOWN
AT MIDNIGHT I WILL TAKE YOUR SUKKAH DOWN

Sorry, I took the shortcut through the synagogue parking lot on the way home.

Gary Banks
10-01-2012, 09:02 PM
DEEP THROAT FOR DJANGO- "Sucks dick on horseback at full gallop!"

Apronikoff
10-01-2012, 09:07 PM
DEEP THROAT FOR DJANGO- "Sucks dick on horseback at full gallop!"

Haha, that's a good one.

I keep coming up with stupid ones and then thinking..."well, truth be told, I'd watch that movie."

Ehren H
10-01-2012, 09:42 PM
I don't think there's a movie in this thread that I wouldn't watch haha

Apronikoff
10-01-2012, 09:54 PM
DARIO ARGENTO'S STEEL MAGNOLIAS

Apronikoff
10-02-2012, 08:38 AM
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO IAN JANE?

Ian is rooming with Crazy Guy, both in their twilight years. Crazy Guy is nostalgic for his "youth" as an Internet phenomenon, while Ian is just a cranky drunk. Wacky, deadly hi jinks ensue.

The Silly Swede
10-02-2012, 08:44 AM
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO IAN JANE?

Ian is rooming with Crazy Guy, both in their twilight years. Crazy Guy is nostalgic for his "youth" as an Internet phenomenon, while Ian is just a cranky drunk. Wacky, deadly hi jinks ensue.

It is a shame that Klaus Kinski is long gone, I feel he would be the ideal Crazy Guy.

Barry M
10-02-2012, 08:54 AM
I WASH ALIENS

CAR WASH meets ALIENS. It's about the soundtrack, stupid.

Barry M
10-02-2012, 09:07 AM
PANSPERMIA HIGH

Sort of a prequel to I WASH ALIENS. Space high school friends jerk off, play video games, take their helmets off when they shouldn't, get girls pregnant, etc. Big finish: wacky Tex Avery chase hommage with giant rolling dick, which chases them into --- the ALIEN CAR WASH....

Most touching scene: at graveside, the pals jerk one out for the dudes who aren't here; on the soundtrack, Boyz II Men, "Hard to Say Goodbye".

paul h.
10-02-2012, 10:45 AM
Barry, you are some kind of twisted genus! :up:

Barry M
10-02-2012, 11:46 AM
I hate for Horace to be bored.

Barry M
11-05-2012, 01:59 PM
THEY CALLED HIM "PUSSY".

THEY CALLED HIM "ASSHOLE".

THEY WERE WRONG.

HE WAS NEITHER.

Coming soon...

THE TAINT!!!

(The poster is going to be great.)

Scott
11-05-2012, 03:45 PM
From Here To Orphans - Unprotected postwar sex on the beach leads to an orphanage full of orphans.

I'd Buy That (If I Had a Dollar) - Down on his luck bank dick can't afford shit in this economy.

The Ballerina Has No Tits! - 9 year old boy is dancing prodigy in this Ukraine gut buster.

Barry M
11-05-2012, 03:57 PM
The Abortionage -- it's orphans vs dismembered fetuses in the big football game, and the winning team wins, and gets to go to the creek.

Barry M
11-05-2012, 05:48 PM
CGI FRIDAYS -- Ice Cube accidentally buys Lucasfilm on ebay, has to release 3 new trilogies before the end of the day.

Scott
11-05-2012, 06:20 PM
CGI FRIDAYS -- Ice Cube accidentally buys Lucasfilm on ebay, has to release 3 new trilogies before the end of the day.

"I heard you lost your job, Craig. Whaddaya stealing power converters for?!"

Barry M
11-05-2012, 07:16 PM
"I grab Jar Jar. I choke him and I kick the shit out of him. All day long got my foot up Jar Jar's ass. Just bang, bang, bang up his ass. That's my pleasure."

Barry M
11-15-2012, 03:24 PM
THIS FILM IS NOT YET HATED

Documentary takes us inside the Hollywood arse-raping remake machine. After the merger of Universal, Disney, Sony and everyone else, the product redemption executives of Universal DisSonnance must constantly come up with new ways of turning gold into sh*t, over and over again. SPOILER: already greenlit for big-budget remake.

SHARKWEATHER

He's not misunderstood, he's a motherf*cking shark.

CGI shark with underage girlfriend goes on killing spree in Nebraska. Score by Bruce Springsteen & Randy Newman.

Clive Smith
11-16-2012, 08:16 AM
WALTERPIDGEON

Andrew Monroe
11-16-2012, 08:53 AM
SHARKWEATHER

He's not misunderstood, he's a motherf*cking shark.

CGI shark with underage girlfriend goes on killing spree in Nebraska. Score by Bruce Springsteen & Randy Newman.

Change the g/f to a remora and I can get you funding.

Barry M
11-16-2012, 09:32 AM
CGI Chloe Sevigny won't return my calls.

Ehren H
11-16-2012, 01:53 PM
Vincent Gallo kidnapped the CGI Chloe because the real one won't talk to his scuzzy ass anymore.

Scott
11-16-2012, 03:13 PM
Throw Mudder From the Train - Coupla' wise guys are tasked with getting rid of a lame race horse after the boss loses a big bet. First stop, the glue factory. But they have trouble committing once the loveable loser wins over their hearts.

Horace Cordier
11-16-2012, 03:26 PM
CRANK 3 - SPANKING IT

After Chinese gangsters kidnap Chev Chelios and inject him with massive amounts of radioactive sperm he must expel the toxins or die of blue balls.

"If he stops whacking it he'll be packing it in... permanently!"

Scott
11-17-2012, 04:40 PM
Cryo-Dick - Time displaced PI has to solve the mystery of who had him had froze while adjusting to future life and impotency.

Barry M
12-02-2012, 09:19 PM
BIGFOOT AND SON

Sequel to NIGHT OF THE DEMON. Crazy Wanda drops kid off at his dad's place, never looks back. Bigfoot is comically unprepared for the responsibility and challenges to his lifestyle presented by raising a wacky teen. As they bond over a love of rape and dismemberment, young Timba decides to find his dad the perfect mate. Re-uses the theme song from THE COURTSHIP OF EDDIE'S FATHER.

Tagline: "Actions have consequences, son."

WALL STREET III: MONKEYS NEVER SLEEP

As economy collapses, superintelligent chimps seize stock exchange and trap Gordon Gekko and Ricardo Montalban in a bathroom. Armed only with their own feces as weapons, they must rebuild faith in the stock market and outwit the chimps.

Tagline: "Occupied!"

I AM CURIOUS (SAFFRON)

Saffron Burrows writes a blog about her interest in Swedish exploitation films. Re-enactments are intercut, all featuring Saffron Burrows. And she cooks, too. Using lessons learned from the likes of Christina Lindberg, Saffron Burrows overcomes problems in her daily life (like, how to get to do nude scenes).

Tagline: Young, Beautiful, Innocent... She was forced do do whatever shameful things they demanded! She was in the clutches of... THE DEPRAVED!

Alex K.
12-02-2012, 10:31 PM
http://www.cracked.com/article_20113_5-insane-pop-culture-crossovers-that-almost-happened_p2.html

Jay and Silent Bob in a Hellraiser movie.

Barry M
02-25-2013, 03:51 PM
HUNTING SEASON HUBLEY: Kurt Russell (in a chock full o’ nuts performance) hunts down his ex-wife through the streets of NYC; Goldie Hawn saves the day. Written by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

THE MOST DANGEROUS GUMMIDGE. Wilford Brimley makes a big mistake when he rounds up homeless scarecrows to hunt down for sport: turns out Worzel Gummidge is ex-SAS, and he’s putting the WAR after W. (Mainly Jon Pertwee, but cameo by Swedish Joe as the swede head.)

MY OWN PRIVATE BENJAMIN. Goldie Hawn needs a junkie role, and all heroin movies are actually about Viet Nam anyway.

COLDITZED!!! Two wacky WAAFs are shot down (by NAZIS!!!) and through a series of misunderstandings wind up in Oflag IV-C. These girls don’t know the meaning of escape-proof (poster image helps sell this gag).

BRUCEY BRALESS. Down on his luck Bruce Campbell reluctantly steps (incognito) into the role of Xena in touring dinner-theatre production WARRIOR PRINCESS & COCKTAILS. While Bruce learns about his feminine side, he must decide what to do when the show becomes a smash hit, helped by the ghost of a sequin-wearing Dustin Hoffman.

Scott
02-25-2013, 05:29 PM
MY BLUE STEAVEN: Little Steave grows up in small house in an eastern coastal town where his 3 older sisters and mother continually suffocate him (metaphorically). Steve drowns his depression in blueberry pies until he gets an idea to paint the whole town blue, which has a magical effect on the dreary town inspiring others to grab a paintbrush and join in.

Barry M
02-25-2013, 05:45 PM
I see Kiefer in this role.

Stiefer.

Scott
02-25-2013, 08:01 PM
A young Kiefer would be good. He can speak to the ghost of his grandfather (played by his father Donald) for support. The three sisters can be CGI'd, and the mom could be played by Stephen King.

Scott
02-25-2013, 08:14 PM
NIGHT OF THE LEPERS - Shunned group of leprosy survivors come together to put on a community play. After 6 weeks of painful rehearsals no on shows up, because Rick put the wrong date on the flyers. Two weeks later the play is a smash shit.

Barry M
03-26-2013, 08:39 AM
Hobo with a Shogun Jack Elam & Toshiro Mifune buddy comedy. AKA "On the Load"
Shogun with a Bogan Toshiro Mifune & Paul Hogan (RIP, Jack Elam). AKA "The Load Down Under"
Showgirls with Shotguns Jack Elam (RIP, Mifune) helps strippers fight bikers. AKA "Loadhouse"
Showgirls with Shotglasses Jack Elam (RIP, Swayze) continues to help strippers fight bikers. "These girls bounce!"
Showgirls with Glasses Jack Elam (RIP, Rex Harrison) teaches ugly strippers to take things off. "Their eyes are up here!"
She-Hobo Showgirl Jack Elam (RIP, Craig Russell), undercover as a stripper, gets gamma'd. "The new girl is green!"
Bonobo with a Showgirl (TV pilot) Jack Elam & Toshiro Mifune as a chimp, roam from town to town, making new friends. Cool theme song.
She-Boobies! The Musical! Jack Elam as God, trying to single-handedly revive Burlesque in heaven.
She-Shogun Assin' (XXX) Jack Elam narrates, does one scene. Inserts.
Hobo with a Kobo Jack Elam tries to fuggin turn the page on his e-reader. Canadian NFB short promoting books.

Lalala76
03-27-2013, 07:26 AM
Some potential twisted horror porn parodies-

ZOMBIE FLEM EATERS

Night of the giving head

Salem' slut

Johnny Stickman
04-01-2013, 03:37 AM
The Bumbling Rapist - Don Knotts plays an inept sexual predator who could never successfully execute a raping.

Tagline: "Runaway hilarity, whistle and pepper spray not needed."

Alex K.
04-01-2013, 03:57 AM
^ I like it. It's The Day The Clown Cried crossed with I Spit on Your Grave.

Barry M
10-06-2013, 07:25 PM
THE CRITERION ERECTION

Mystery man found in sea with a number on his spine, papers in the fakeass name "Johnson Criterion", and a stack of DVDs spindled on a hardon that he has no idea where it came from. He tries to explain this to his new girlfriend who is a girl while he tries to make it go down. Or her. Based on the best, selling mysterious book of Roederick Redrum.

THE CRITERION ERUPTION II: PART TWO, A SEQUEL

Fan-service sequel will answer all questions in exotic new places. Opening in a stromboli shop on Krakatoa, this opens after the first movie, but the penis still has DVDs on it, but HOW??? He would like to get them off. Or him. Novelization by Roederick Redrum, Jr.

THE CRITERION RECURSION: THE PART III

Man wakes up in Hanoi with three erections, one with DVDs. Can he move the DVDs from the first penis to the last?


Only one disk must be moved at a time.
Each move consists of taking the upper disk from one of the rods and sliding it onto another rod, on top of the other disks that may already be present on that rod.
No disk may be placed on top of a smaller disk.

Fuck.

Barry M
10-06-2013, 07:28 PM
The rules for Towers of Hanoi are guaranteed to ruin even the best orgy.

Barry M
12-09-2013, 08:11 PM
How Chitty is My Bang-Bang
Welsh coal-mining family struggles against hard working & living conditions to scrub themselves clean, stop coughing long enough to sing a song or two, and invent a coal-powered flying car. Title song sung by Truly Consumptive.

G'Die Hard
It's always Christmas in Australia, and John McClane teams up with Paul Hogan in a wheelchair to fight bogan cartel overlords.

Bill and Ted and Their Fly Machine Quest
Mistaking the machine from THE FLY for time machine endangers the future, the past, the big anniversary date with the wives, and jeopardizes the Wyld Stallions reunion concert! (SPOILER: Bill and Ted come out joined at the fly with a single penis.)

Tiny Tim Walks!
As a Yuletide present for the Cratchits, Scrooge (Christopher Lee) enlists Herr Doktor Baron Van Viktorstein (Fozzy Bear) to cure Tim's lameness; things go horribly wrong. Rejoice in the horrors of Christmas Past with vivisectionists, resurrectionists, the Sugarplum Golem, and a haunting version of Tiptoe Through the Tulips. The part of Tiny Tim will be played in this performance. Ick.

Ashbee
12-09-2013, 08:20 PM
Tiny Tim Walks!
As a Yuletide present for the Cratchits, Scrooge (Christopher Lee) enlists Herr Doktor Baron Van Viktorstein (Fozzy Bear) to cure Tim's lameness; things go horribly wrong. Rejoice in the horrors of Christmas Past with vivisectionists, resurrectionists, the Sugarplum Golem, and a haunting version of Tiptoe Through the Tulips. The part of Tiny Tim will be played in this performance. Ick.

I would totally watch this.

Barry M
12-09-2013, 08:26 PM
Bill and Ted and Their Fly Machine Quest
Mistaking the machine from THE FLY for time machine endangers the future, the past, the big anniversary date with the wives, and jeopardizes the Wyld Stallions reunion concert! (SPOILER: Bill and Ted come out joined at the fly with a single penis.)

TED, BILL: Peter Dinklaged!!!

Scott
12-09-2013, 10:40 PM
Steven Ate My Cadillac - Young Steve tells the biggest stories for being such a little guy. Did you here about the time Steven found a Phoaroes treasure? Or the time he went to the moon or when he produced a Broadway play? Runt cancer patient Steven becomes local celebrity when his tall tales catch the imagination of the whole country. Will Steeven be able to handle all the fame? The answer will melt your heart.

Barry M
12-10-2013, 01:41 AM
Oh man, runt cancer is the worst.

Scott
12-13-2013, 12:27 AM
The Onion Fields - Bob spends all day in the fields picking onions. His nights are spent making love to his wife, until one day he can't get it up, he can't stop thinking about them onions. Life is put on hold until Bob can figure it out. The answer might be in the onions.

Scott
12-13-2013, 12:48 AM
The Grandfather Clock - Three part anthology about a grandfather clock owned by 3 different generations of a family.

The first part takes place in the 1920's as a family of Jewish immigrants arrive in America with little money and eventually open their own successful business. It ends with the birth of their daughter and the father buying the family a grandfather clock during the holidays to celebrate their luck.

The second story takes place in the 1970's during the height of the Vietnam War. The daughter is now grown up and she struggles with pregnancy and abortion. It ends with her deciding to keep her baby and having a son.

The third story takes place in outerspace

Barry M
12-13-2013, 09:04 AM
The Grandfather Clock - Three part anthology about a grandfather clock owned by 3 different generations of a family.

The first part takes place in the 1920's as a family of Jewish immigrants arrive in America with little money and eventually open their own successful business. It ends with the birth of their daughter and the father buying the family a grandfather clock during the holidays to celebrate their luck.

The second story takes place in the 1970's during the height of the Vietnam War. The daughter is now grown up and she struggles with pregnancy and abortion. It ends with her deciding to keep her baby and having a son.

The third story takes place in outerspace

I'd probably skip straight to part III, or watch it backwards.

That's ripe for a porn parody. I can't wait for Dave's Old Porn to do this (I should start a thread). I sure hope Johnny Cash (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50aZvm7yT44) kept all his boots.

My grandfather's cock was too large for the shelf,
So it stood ninety years on the floor;
It was taller by half than the old man himself,
Though it weighed not a pennyweight more.

In watching its pendulum swing to and fro,
Many hours had he spent while a boy;
And in childhood and manhood the cock seemed to know
And to share both his grief and his joy.
&c.

Scott
12-14-2013, 01:55 AM
Meat & Potatoes - Depression era married couple argue every night about not having any money. So the husband becomes an amateur boxer. He wins his first three fights but loses the fourth. It still gives the couple enough money to have their baby.

Alex K.
12-14-2013, 02:46 AM
^ Sounds like the next Ron Howard movie to sweep the Oscars.

Scott
12-15-2013, 07:36 PM
The Big Dickdown - Neo-Noir gay film about a rookie PI named Rick investigating a series of escalating dickdowns across the city. As the body count rises and Rick is the only Dick left in town, the answer to whom is causing the dickdowns may be closer than Rick thinks.

Scott
12-17-2013, 10:20 PM
Bay of Mugs - Located in a small port town on the eastern coast, a husband and wife catch the shakedown from a local gang when their novelty mug business is threatened. The wife is raped and all the mugs are shattered. All except one.

Scott
12-17-2013, 11:18 PM
To the Devil, A Mother - Rebellious young priest catches heat from Mother Superior when he decides to teach the rest of the church how to dance. But when the young priest shows her how to let her hair down it's a whole new Mother. The cat's out of the bag in this comedy from down under.

Scott
12-17-2013, 11:25 PM
Steven King of New York - Directed by Abel Ferrara. Steven just released from prison goes back to lead the gang he started from.

Scott
12-17-2013, 11:28 PM
Strawberries at the North Pole - A couple with downs syndrome meet and fall in love at the North Pole. Through many mistakes they learn how to support and take care of each other.

Barry M
12-17-2013, 11:49 PM
Bay of Mugs - Located in a small port town on the eastern coast, a husband and wife catch the shakedown from a local gang when their novelty mug business is threatened. The wife is raped and all the mugs are shattered. All except one.

That's the same plot as WICKER DOGS, except for the part where Christopher Lee rapes Edward Woodward to ensure crop fertility, then Edward kisses a dog (and likes it). But the scene at the end where they sip hot chocolate out of the same mug (two candy canes) is totally the same.

Alex K.
12-18-2013, 12:04 AM
Friday the 13th set at the White House.

Adam Sandler stars as the head rapist in I Spit on Your Grave part 3. The next "Jennifer" cuts his dick and balls off, has him raped by a pig and then beheaded over the course of 45 minutes.

Barry M
12-18-2013, 12:48 AM
These movies are very rapey. Merry christmas!

Roderick
12-18-2013, 01:20 AM
It’s The Rape Pumpkin Charlie Brown - Chuck Brown gets stoned and doles out vigilante justice in the wake of a series of mysterious neighborhood pumpkin rapes.

Sodomy Loves Company
12-18-2013, 02:42 AM
Dreidel, Ladle, or Hegel - A torture porn where the villain torments his victims using either a dreidel, a ladle, or forcing them to debate Absolute Idealism and other theories posited by the philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel.

Barry M
12-18-2013, 09:35 AM
VIGILANTE PANTIES - Architect Paul Kersey (Eddie Izzard) rapes and kills NYC muggers. Fuckers.

BEJEEZEBUB - Turns out Christina Ricci's new tenement apartment is trans-dimensional altar of Hittite stormdemon & goodtime charlie Bejeezebub (John Goodman). He stands astride two mountains and bears a club, and his biological clock is ticking. Can they fight off the white-painters? Fuckers.

Scott
12-18-2013, 10:41 PM
It's a Cold World - When Kool G Rap runs over Santa he has big shoes to fill. That means no one is getting any presents this year! But a bag of blow gives Giancana a change of heart. It's Christmas in July when G Rap makes a blizzard in the summer putting snow on the road. "Wait til Mrs. Clause tastes this shit."

Scott
12-29-2013, 01:28 PM
One in the Hand, 3 in the Bush - Sequel to ONE IN THE HAND 2 IN THE BUSH, reunites cast: Jonathan Harris, Jonathan Winters, Rip Taylor and Don Knotts as Sorority tryouts dressing up as girls to trick their way into an all girls school on the other side of the lake. Although billed as a comedy there's a surprising amount of heart found as the boys help their future sorority sisters through the trials and tribulations of early womanhood. Topics include: abortion, fashion crimes, how to cook for a small family and rape.

Barry M
01-14-2014, 05:05 PM
THE DUSTY ROAD HOME (El Camino Polvoriento a Casa). Aztec mummy feels dead inside, goes on spiritual journey to find himself, discovers meaning of life through simple pleasures and love of a dog. "Like Chichen Itza for the soul!" -- AJA

Pre-Columbian Columbo (tv movies). Wily Aztec detective outwits crafty murderers (hint: usually a priest). "The Corpse in the Apelatl", "There's a Skull in My Tzompantli", etc.

HOLA, DOCTOR POPOCATEPETL! Heartwarming tale of mad scientist trying to take village children to the fair; the nuns do not approve! Several sequels were planned: only DOCTOR POPOCATEPETL Y LOS HERMANOS MONSTRUOS (Doctor Popocatepetl and the Herman Munster Kids) was filmed. Fred Gwynne's lawsuit effectively ended the series. Fucker.

Barry M
02-23-2014, 09:07 AM
FACE OFF, EH? Bob and Doug Mackenzie vehicle; feuding hockey player brothers (twins) piss off evil plastic surgeon/penalty killer (David Cronenberg) who switches their faces. Bob and Doug bring their eh game in a tour de force of acting. Hockey, beer, crullers, and a rink full of doves.

George White
02-23-2014, 10:10 AM
SALVAGE!
Two men plot to hold a heist on a cruise the twist being the treasure is the cruise's furnishings.

Barry M
02-23-2014, 10:29 AM
THE FRENCH PREREQUISITE. Poughkeepsie, 1947: Jimmy Doyle needs to pass French or he can't go on the senior class trip to NYC. "I don't wanna be a dumbass stuck here picking my feet... I gotta ace Frog One." When he asks a smart, sexy thigh-high boot-wearing Paris exchange student (Shelley Duvall) to tutor him, young Jimmy gets more of an education than he bargained for. Blow jobs, blow, Lester Young, and an allnight douce-amère subway ride adieu. Like SAY ANYTHING with chase scenes.

Johnny Stickman
02-24-2014, 04:18 AM
Tell 'Em Woody Was Here!. A Woody Allen look-alike contest results in a blood soaked massacre as gangsters shoot up the place to claim a debt the real Woody owes them. A contender survives only to discover that his wife and children were killed in the bullet shower. He wages a one man war against New Yawk's organized crime leaders disguised as the acclaimed film director to avenge their death in this thrilling story filled with explosive action and intense suspense. Jason Statham plays the lead. Woody Harrelson stars as the real Woody Allen.

Barry M
02-24-2014, 08:57 AM
At the end, Statham peels off his Mission Impossible rubberface to reveal he's actually Woody Strode?

sukebanboy
02-24-2014, 09:42 AM
Tell 'Em Woody Was Here!. A Woody Allen look-alike contest results in a blood soaked massacre as gangsters shoot up the place to claim a debt the real Woody owes them. A contender survives only to discover that his wife and children were killed in the bullet shower. He wages a one man war against New Yawk's organized crime leaders disguised as the acclaimed film director to avenge their death in this thrilling story filled with explosive action and intense suspense. Jason Statham plays the lead. Woody Harrelson stars as the real Woody Allen.

This scenario has been floating around your head for a long time right Johnny???

Another strange one that is FAR TOO COMPLEX AND WELL THOUGHT OUT that has to have been storyboarded in your head hundreds of times!!:biggrin:

Obsession in other words!!:funny:

Johnny Stickman
02-25-2014, 04:37 PM
At the end, Statham peels off his Mission Impossible rubberface to reveal he's actually Woody Strode?

Also keep a sharp eye open for a cameo by Woody Woodpecker.


This scenario has been floating around your head for a long time right Johnny???

It's gonna be one of those screenplays that makes circles around Hollywood only to never be green-lit.

Barry M
03-28-2014, 07:12 PM
Attention. Tonight's movie will be A*S*S*H. Follow the zany antics
of our Viet Nam POWs as they come home with a duffelbag full of opium
and a dream to play doctor and perform butthole surgery. When the
Army puts them (and their opium) in prison, their dreams come true!
Follow Eager Edger Edgar, Moonpie Goon, Ms O'Bgynist and her all-male
nurse Luke Warmheart as they bust loose or bust a nut trying.

[Goddamn army]

That is all.

Scott
03-28-2014, 09:50 PM
I'd see it.

Barry M
04-04-2014, 01:31 PM
Wait for the tv show.

VAGUS, NV. Sadsack mafioso gets black market vagus nerve stimulator implant to cure his depression, moves to Vegas, and starts to take over the place. While he deals with local mobsters, customs, and his own new sunny disposition, he also has to cope with CRAZY WILD mood fluctuations as his battery drains and spikes at all the worst times with hilarious results. Robin Williams, maybe?

Clive Smith
04-04-2014, 04:00 PM
Tailor-made for Steve Railsback.

Clive Smith
04-04-2014, 04:04 PM
Or Robert Lansing, if he hadn't died 20 years ago. High jinks.

Barry M
04-08-2014, 08:37 AM
II, CLAUDIUS. Claudius enlists in navy after the Sibyl makes an ill-advised poop deck joke.

III, CLAUDIUS (aka ¡Ay! Claudius). Claudius and the gang wind up in Latin America.

IV, CLAUDIUS. Claudius goes back to university to get that last history credit he needs for emperor job application; also gets laid.

V. CLAUDIUS. Claudius and the whole sick crew roman around the Mediterranean; Nero Bodine acts as comic sidekick.

Barry M
04-08-2014, 09:08 AM
BREAKNECK!!! When he won't throw a fixed pro-wrestling match, evil mob lord/wrestler breaks Irony 'Breakneck' Jackson's neck with an illegal sleeperhold. Paralyzed, Jackson invents powered exoskeleton so that he can take care of basic bodily functions with dignity, then realizes he can also fight crime; but first, revenge! Not bulletproof, but impervious to all pain from C7 on down. Signature kill move: neck-breaking ("I hates guns"). There should ideally be some action in this movie.

Barry M
04-08-2014, 09:10 AM
The scene where he's reading Batman on the crapper is this franchise's crime alley.

drake21
04-17-2014, 02:52 PM
The spiderman series. They should stop redoing it, damn it !!!

Barry M
04-24-2014, 07:35 PM
KuBRATS!

Reboot of the 80s Saturday morning cartoon. The Kubrick Kids (Starchild, Lolita, Alex, Danny, and little Squirt and her pet bush-baby, Moonwatcher) hang out in a packing crate, ride BMX bikes, eat tacos and solve mysteries while trying to avoid the truant officer. They are aided by supercomputer SAL 9001 (Sigourney Weaver) and the Phantom (Billy Zane). Probably Stanley will not finish this before he dies.

Barry M
04-26-2014, 12:17 AM
LAST RITE ON THE LEFT

Defrocked ex-60s ex-radical ex-priest ex-exorcist (Liam Neeson) and girlfriend (CGI Linda Blair, circa Rick James) go to big city for rock concert, get lost because of confusing GPS, and run smack dab into POSESSED RAPISTS. Starts out a bit rapey, but then Liam gets his faith, his bombs and his frock back and starts kicking devil-raper butt. How many exorcisms can one man handle?

Tagline: Father Reagan is lost, and he's not stopping for directions.

Barry M
05-07-2014, 01:05 PM
THE DEVIL HIS DUE DATE

Satan (Arnold Schwarzenegger) gets pregnant, vows bloody orgy of revenge. With Danny Devito as God, Mia Farrow as the holy ghost who whispered a word in the devil's ear, and Woody Strode as Jesus. Book by William Peter Blatty (Rutger Hauer), music by Will Oldham (TUBULAR COWBELL). Directed by Roman Polanski (Woody Allen).

Johnny Stickman
05-17-2014, 03:55 PM
Party at the Rue Morgue: A screwball coming-of-age flick about a college freshman who decides to get revenge on the fraternity that rejected him by throwing the most bitching party in campus history..... at the city morgue! Hilarity abounds in this postmodern gross-out comedy romp when a curse is chanted by the local party goers that causes the dead to rise and have a wacky wicked time themselves. The only way the curse can be lifted is if our hero successfully gorges in 7 beer bongs, lays 7 different women, and encounters the elusive Bill Murray 7 times during the rager thus reaching the celestial 777. Brian Doyle-Murray plays the legendary comedic thespian.

Grumpy Old Virgins: Two elderly men living in a retirement home realize they wasted their youth doing nothing awesome so they go on a self-searching journey to finally pop their cherries. During their odyssey, they encounter eccentric characters like hippie Hitler, Peter Pepper Piper (the alliteration enthusiast), and Sasquatch.

Jehovah's Witless: Two slacker stoner buddies join the Jehovah's Witness to meet chicks.

Alex K.
05-21-2014, 02:06 PM
Cannibal Ferox part 2: Adam Sandler goes out on vacation in the amazon jungle and finds himself lost and is abducted by a Cannibal tribe who rape and torture him over the course of 5 hours. David Spade tries to come to his rescue but is castrated and the cannibals shove dick and balls down his mouth and he chokes to death.

Barry M
05-21-2014, 06:41 PM
HOBO MALONE. Grizzled hobo (Macaulay Culkin) hops one last freight; wouldn't you know it's the one hijacked by terrorists (Steven Seagal as Ernest Borgnine, Rod Stewart as the conductor, Lee Marvin hobogram as the rapist). Can he defend his virginity and the train? Lot of harmonica on the soundtrack.

Scott
05-22-2014, 12:31 AM
RUNS ON THE NUN

Uh-oh, someone forgot to bless Tuesday's meatloaf! Now Sister Margaret finds herself knee deep in bedpans and linen at the all girls dormitory. The other nuns called off work so Sister Margaret has to "have at it" on her own. Is this what she anticipated in her vow to serve God? Her faith is tested again and again in this spicy comedy that will have the whole family asking, "Does God get the runs?"

Scott
05-22-2014, 12:50 AM
8 YEAR OLD NEWS NETWORK

Local group of neighborhood squirts are tired of their voices being ignored by their parents so they hatch a plan to take over the local cable station and broadcast their own news show! Kid on the street says homework sucks. Does Kathy eat boogers? What toys are cool right now? Find out when you tune into NEWS AT 8!

Or..

Scott
05-22-2014, 12:57 AM
HAIRY COUNT DRACULA

A very hairy man vows eternal revenge on god after he finds his wife had committed suicide. Godless and hairy, the man suffers through the ages unable to die and unable to love.

Johnny Stickman
05-22-2014, 10:14 PM
Cannibal Ferox part 2: Adam Sandler goes out on vacation in the amazon jungle and finds himself lost and is abducted by a Cannibal tribe who rape and torture him over the course of 5 hours. David Spade tries to come to his rescue but is castrated and the cannibals shove dick and balls down his mouth and he chokes to death.

Peter Dante can play the cannibal chief.

10339

Bonzo Wins the Lottery: Would you trust a monkey with unlimited riches? Everyman thrift store clerk Jerry did. On a day that seems like his unluckiest, he strikes a fortune as he discovers the lucky lotto number that would get him out of his existential poverty-stricken sinkhole and possibly win back the heart of the woman he loves. But not all goes as planned when his roommate, Bonzo, a chimpanzee who majors in English at the community college is given the responsibility of holding onto it. Can Jerry find Bonzo before he blows all the cash on a whiskey fueled descent in debauchery? Find out in this new, exciting cyberpunk noir picture from legendary director, Terrence Malick.

TAGLINE: "In the year 2025, going bananas can be deadly."

Barry M
05-23-2014, 07:49 PM
BLUE BROTHER

In this heartbreakingly honest documentary, Jim Jarmusch sits all night with Elwood in a coffee shop as the aged bluesman fixes to die.

"Jake? Yeah, I miss Jake. He was a model made before catalytic converters so he ran good on regular gas. But then he threw a rod, and that's not good." [Coughing fit] "We thought we were on a mission from God." [Elwood pauses to spit blood into a handkerchief] "We thought all we needed was a full tank of gas, some cigarettes." [Elwood, blind now in one eye, takes off his trademark glasses with the one black lens, and mops his face, wiping bloody phlegm across his brow.] "You going to eat that toast?"

Barry M
05-26-2014, 01:45 PM
CLIPPERTY CLOPPERTY COP

A centaur joins the Royal Canadian Mounted Police: assigned to the Musical Ride by racist old Col. Wormer, he yearns to solve major crimes. With the Lapiths streetgang on a spree, it doesn't take him long before he's got the whole Ride grooving to a new tune and kicking it in the street. Can they bust the Lapiths (and a few moves) before Wormer stops the music?

Barry M
05-30-2014, 11:44 PM
RANDY RIDES ALONG. Streetwise big-city dick Cleavon Little (Ice Cube) has a new rookie partner: Randolph Scott. So much wackiness, ensues is gonna be the new n-word.

LEAVIN' CLEAVON. Gene Wilder is embarrassed to discover a jar of Cleavon Little's ashes at the back of his fridge, unscattered for more than twenty years. Determined to make good on a deathbead promise to scatter them in the Pacific, Wilder, Levon Helm, and Stephen King get together for one last road trip across America. Will they make it San Francicso before 3:00 Monday? Or before they realize they left the ashes back on the east coast?

ABDICTED! Kidnappers have their hands full when they kidnap a classful of kids from the School of Rehab. "They wanted cold cash; they got cold turkey!" RANSOM OF RED CHIEF meets REQUIEM FOR A DREAM. High concept.

Barry M
06-05-2014, 08:43 AM
TONY STARKS DAY OFF. Dennis Coles fakes clammy hands, blows off the day's filming on IRON MANG. Ferrous Bueller.

Johnny Stickman
06-07-2014, 07:01 PM
Porn In the U.S.A. - A mondo-style shockumentary/mockumentary about foreign immigrant Wakoff Jurkoff who leaves the war-torn, tyrannical dictatorship of third world Canada and embarks on a pilgrimage to 1970s New York City where he discovers the tear-jerking wonders that are freedom, liberty, and American pornography. He can't get enough of the stuff, "vat a country" he says. Unfortunately, he learns that his time in the US is almost up and he would have to return to pornless Canada. Can his new band of friends, including a psychic sandwich named Philly and a young hippie activist who wears her clothes backwards as a rebellious symbol of anti-conformity come to his aid and rescue him from communist Canada? Things seem bleak until they start a benefit concert in Wakoff's defense. All the legends of rock 'n' roll lore such as novelty Bruce Springsteen impersonator, Broose Springsprung, who performs his signature hit "Porn in the USA," take stage and give a hell of a show. The concert is a hit and helps define a generation. Vat a country indeed.

Barry M
06-20-2014, 08:54 PM
BARRACUJO When the family's loveable pet fish gets rabies, oh fuck it.

Barry M
06-23-2014, 09:21 AM
GREEDO GOES EDO. Ronin Greedo leaves Mos Eisley, goes to Edo. Jedaigeki.

Barry M
06-24-2014, 03:43 PM
WHAT COLOR IS MY DAHLIA? Beautiful executive headhunter tries to help a torso murderer find a new line of work. Can love blossom?

INDIRA: OUT FOR BLOOD. Can two-fisted Indira Gandhi (Halle Berry) stop a planned assassination attempt? Her own???!!! "Ya better not look, Pop" she yells as she grabs a machine gun and mows down her would-be killers. Tagline: When sari met Halle.

Barry M
07-11-2014, 05:17 PM
S*N*U*F*O "DMZ yr a**, this is Area 52." Uijeongbu saw aliens. Drafted GIs trying to keep the lid on things, while blowing off some steam. Then one day comes the order: BUGOUT!!!

Barry M
12-05-2014, 08:59 AM
SHEMALEFICENT Just because the gay villain thing may be getting a little tired does not mean audiences don't need evil TG. Plus, Angelina Jolie with a penis.

HOT BUTT TIME MACHINE Water powered!

A GINGER NAMED CINAMMON Before he became boss at the five and dime, Mr. McGee was a young man himself, once. The movie that puts the un in funky, you'll believe you could walk out through the in door, leisurely.

Mark Tolch
12-05-2014, 09:27 AM
Killin me.

Scott
07-15-2015, 11:14 PM
POLTERGASS

"You moved the cans but you didn't move the trash!"

Money hungry developer rakes in a family of goofball football coaches when new homes are being built on a haunted landfill. Stank ghosts are on the loose in this touching comedy about death and what it means to grow old and be ignored by everyone who ever loved you.

Barry M
07-16-2015, 11:23 AM
The Garbage Pail Kids vibe is strong. Now I want gum.

Alex K.
07-16-2015, 12:25 PM
Bruce Lee vs Gay Power part 2: the son of Bruce is back and gay! He fights Chuck Norris and Mel Gibson to the death in an arena at fire island.

Scott
07-16-2015, 11:58 PM
STEVEN QUEEN

Young Steven always had an affinity for his idol, Steve MacQueen, but when he turned twelve so too did his boner, FOR STEVE MACQUEEN! Watch as young Steven dies a fiery gay death like his idol, and stuntman, Steve MacQueen, in this riveting bio based loosely upon the life and death of popular horror novelist Stephen King.

Scott
07-17-2015, 12:05 AM
FRENCH TOAST

Two rednecks open a bed and breakfast in the deep hills of Southern Georgia. They can't turn a profit so they decide to rob the local cemetery of bodies and charge people to fuck them. Everything's fine until someone's loses their lunch in this bread and breakfast comedy that will have you masturbating in the isle.

Barry M
07-17-2015, 12:34 PM
PENUS, N.V. Two lesbians open a divorce ranch in a small Nevada town, then realize it's way better to just kill their customers' husbands for them. Business is booming, then some no-shirt Sherlock from the FBI comes sniffing around the Black Widder Ranch with his penis and all. Can true love survive? DESERT HEARTS meets EATING RAOUL.

Alex K.
07-17-2015, 06:03 PM
^ Sounds like a quality SOV flick.

Barry M
07-17-2015, 11:43 PM
It has penis in the title, but you're right, it needs more dumb.

Scott
07-18-2015, 12:26 AM
KISS OF THE SPIDER-MAN

Julia Roberts gets locked away in a South American prison for attempted treason. She shares a jail cell with a CGI Raúl Juliá who promises to help her out. He shows her his collection of Spider-Man comics which are tattooed all over his body. Every issue, from the early Lee/Ditko comics until the end of Roger Stern's run. Eventually he sells her out for more Spider-Man tattoos, this time focusing on issues of PETER PARKER, THE SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN and the Charles Vess covers from WEB OF SPIDER-MAN.

Scott
07-18-2015, 12:33 AM
MOUTHS WIDE OPEN

Everyone's got lockjaw in this small town and the Feds think someone's been tricking the water supply. A docu-drama full of mouth breathing fly catching idiots.

Scott
07-18-2015, 12:39 AM
Schmendrick

All Harold wanted was a regular life with a wife and kids. Until the day when his dream comes true and he wants to kill himself. Struggling with depression he returns to his Jewish roots and finds the spiritual guidance his life was missing.

Scott
07-18-2015, 11:46 PM
Schmendrick 2: The Drickining

Harold escapes the Jewish metal institution he was locked away in and seeks out his family. When he gets home he looks through the window and sees them eating a good dinner with a man who looks just like him. Harold reels! Did he even escape? Is he still trapped in the Jewish metal asylum? Are these the effects of Jewish shock therapy??!!

Alex K.
07-18-2015, 11:53 PM
I think you should try Kickstarter for some of these movie ideas, dude.

Scott
07-18-2015, 11:59 PM
Schmendrick 3: The 'Drick of Space

Harold's back! When NASA holds a secret lottery and selects Harold to be the first Jew in space the other astronauts all hope Harold doesn't Jew-out during the mission! A classic Jewsploitation gem!

Barry M
07-19-2015, 08:28 AM
I hate Illinois NASAs.

Barry M
07-19-2015, 12:51 PM
SCHMENDRICK'S LIST

Illinois NASAs give Harold the job of making a list of Jews to send into space, not realizing that he's Jewish. "Harold's not a very Jewish name..." -- boy, were they wrong. Harold accidentally puts so many Jews on the list that there are TOO MANY JEWS, and he hides them in the basement of the rocketship which accidentally takes off to Mars. Harold returns to a tickertape parade for sending all the Jews to Mars, but when the Illinois NASAs meet the Martian Jewnicorn he brought back with him, they realize that they're the Martians, and human society is destroyed. (Except for the Jews, who're doing okay on Mars, it turns out, and happy to be out of Illinois.)

Not authorized by Schmendrick

Barry M
07-19-2015, 12:53 PM
Sorry for the bitin' and the baitin'

Scott
07-19-2015, 02:45 PM
Spiritual sequels are usually better than the real ones.

Barry M
07-19-2015, 06:56 PM
SPADE COOLEY HIGH

King of western swing enjoys some success in Hollywood as a band leader and Roy Rogers stunt double. Ironically, Roy's doubling Spade's wife, and it all ends tragically. Based on a true story; soundtrack by Boyz II Men.

Scott
07-19-2015, 10:37 PM
UP THERE WITH JIMI

Documentary takes a look back at all the musicians who passed away and now must record music in heaven with Jimi Hendrix. Hear first hand accounts of heavenly record deals gone bad and godly backstage antics from groupie angels.

Barry M
07-19-2015, 10:57 PM
Jimi-Jammin'

Barry M
07-22-2015, 07:29 AM
RAGE AGAINST THE GHOST IN THE HOT TUB TIME MACHINE

Wayans brothers, PM me for details.

Barry M
07-22-2015, 08:16 AM
With Action Bronson as GFK.

Mark Tolch
07-22-2015, 08:30 AM
I now check into this thread just to put myself in a good mood for the day. Thanks for cracking me up on a daily basis, guys.

Scott
07-22-2015, 11:05 AM
FOOT AND A HALF

Idiot western aficionado continually puts feet in his mouth, baby feet, dog feet any feet he can get a tooth on. Emotionally dependent and on his last leg (the other finally being chewed straight through), he shoots himself in the foot in front of the entire saloon. True to life ripped straight from the headlines.

Scott
07-22-2015, 11:10 AM
Probably would have worked better as a young Steven entry.

Scott
07-22-2015, 11:26 AM
Probably would have worked better as a young Steven entry.

Scott
07-22-2015, 11:27 AM
WOIMS FER' BRAINS

Depression era loser is seeing things and acting crazy. The doctors all say its probably worms laying eggs in his noodle. With three days left to live he decides to leave cryptic messages in the daily paper to set perceived wrongs right, ... but the worms are getting more control and the messages are getting mixed up, something about fresh top soil making rounds and organic dirt being a government hoax? His grammar also begins to fade.

Barry M
07-22-2015, 12:01 PM
FOOT AND A HALF

Idiot western aficionado continually puts feet in his mouth, baby feet, dog feet any feet he can get a tooth on. Emotionally dependent and on his last leg (the other finally being chewed straight through), he shoots himself in the foot in front of the entire saloon. True to life ripped straight from the headlines.

Kevin Bacon?

Barry M
07-22-2015, 12:21 PM
EATS HULKS AND LEAVES

Mild-mannered copyeditor David Bruce gets overexposed to grammar rays right up the colon: becomes green monster when he encounters bad, punctuati...

I got nuttin

Scott
07-22-2015, 01:16 PM
KEVIN BEGGIN

Kev is good at nothing, not even being a good tramp beggar. Eventually he succumbs to the elements outside a family's rich home on Christmas. The same people that brick'd on him earlier in the day when they were shopping for presents. They laughed and scoffed at his beggarly advances, even their kids. Dick kids get everything they want in this Christmas bummer.

Barry M
07-22-2015, 02:11 PM
I'm gonna S.W.A.T you a pizza this keeps up. "Nine one one? Do you deliver?"

Scott
07-22-2015, 02:58 PM
WORMS FOR BREAKFAST

Mulch farm is overrun with worms! It's not long before the the cows are gone, then the chickens. Pretty soon the only crop left is a giant ball of hive minded worms! Destitute and down on the their luck the worm ball slowly lurches toward the big city with hopes of finding employment as bright-eyed graphic designer for a small start up firm. On the train their portfolio gets crushed by rough housing teens. Once outside it starts raining hard and slowly the worm ball loses some of it's worms. One by one they slide off to the wayside and into the gutter. Eventually the only thing that's left is a rain coat, a hat and crushed portfolio floating in puddle.

Barry M
07-22-2015, 03:09 PM
It floats!

Barry M
07-23-2015, 05:22 PM
TWELVE OPOSSUMS

Nine-foot cryptid comes stridin' outta the Okefenokee with a bagful of twelve opossums for a weekend of in-town fun. They let loose all hell on Waycross, GA, eating their weight in Bubba Burgers, getting drunk with Billy Carter, turning water into weed, and (accidentally) burning down the local cathouse(s). The sherriff (Burt Reynolds), the mayor (Ossie Davis), and the governor of Georgia (Walt Kelly) try to get things under control, wind up accidentally crucifying Bigfoot while fighting off pissed-off hung-over sore-dicked opossums. It ends happily enough, I guess, though Burt runs over one with a backhoe. Score by CGI Gram Parsons. Bigfoot limps off back into the swamp, covered in possums, turns & waves as we fade to black: "THE END?"

A Sunn Classic Picture

Scott
07-25-2015, 01:01 AM
GRAM PARSONS TRILOGY

Shirl wins a date with Gram Parson! But which one?! Gram recently had himself divided into 3 separate Grams; sensitive singer/songwriter heartthrob Gram, drunk wife-beating baby-raping Gram, or fuutre Gram from an apocalyptic earth 500 years into the fuutre Gram!!?? Shirl's gonna have one hell of a night ahead of her as she asks yourself, "Who the fuck is Gram Parsons?!"

Barry M
07-25-2015, 08:08 AM
Inarritusploitation? For folks without the time for all 21 Grams, three is enough.

Barry M
07-25-2015, 08:28 AM
BOWLING FOR DALLAS

President JFK (Kevin Spacey), famous three-holer, gets Robert Oppenheimer (Christopher Lloyd) to atom-split him into three (3) JFKs for his coming big date with Marilyn Monroe (Marilyn Monroe). Everything goes swell in the sexy department, but now JFK's split into separate personalities: a mouth, an asshole and a, well, a pussy, and as usual it only takes one asshole to ruin everything for everybody. Can the three holes be somehow put back together into one whole to ensure the safety of the free world? Nope, sorry,not a chance says Oppenheimer, that's some dumpty shit. The other two know what they have to do, on a fateful day in Dallas. Two shooters, three holes. A sequel to THE BIG LEBOWSKI.

Barry M
07-29-2015, 07:54 AM
NICK DRAKE AND THE BAD SEEDS

Comic mixup lands mopey songster gig fronting post-apocalyptic Australian rockers as they set off on dusty horseback for WORLD OUTBACK DYSTOPIA TOUR. Free sample gag: saddlesore Drake gets nicknamed "Pink Moon". Can they make it past the toecutters and tiny dancers to the promise of the pantsoff danceoff in the green place? SPOILER: they all die in the last running creek. SHAKIEST GUN IN THE WEST meets LENINGRAD COWBOYS.

Barry M
07-29-2015, 08:56 AM
... now JFK's split into separate personalities: a mouth, an asshole and a, well, a pussy

Casting notes: Verbal Kint, Frank Underwood, Jim Bakker, respectively.

Barry M
07-29-2015, 09:15 AM
YOUNG STEVEN ENTRY

Aspiring paperback novelist and breakdancer Stephen Entry locks himself out of his house, gets raped on the road, seeks revenge. Repeatedly. Based on an early manuscript, two shopping lists and a honeydew note by Maine's own James Joyce Steven King. Autobiographical tv miniseries. THE TV MINISERIES JAMES JOYCE FANS HAVE BEEN AWAITING AFOR - Stephen King.

Barry M
07-31-2015, 08:05 AM
PICASSO TRIGGER WARNING

Latenight cable suspense revenger. A bad bad thing happened, and betrayed ex-CIA assassin/stripper Amy Sedaris can't even; now when anybody says codeword "Niagara Falls" she's PTSD for vengeance. Down & out in Malibu, she carjacks a kindly stranger (David Sedaris) and heads for Buffalo. The twist: her cross-country companion is the mole, and she's pouring out her whole life story to him! Based on the "Slowly I turned..." vaudeville skit, the GPS is the ticking timebomb!

PAY IT FORWARD PAYBACK

Latenight cable suspense revenger. Haley Joel Osment tracks down and kills his career. You'll see dead people.

Barry M
07-31-2015, 08:07 AM
THE TV MINISERIES JAMES JOYCE FANS HAVE BEEN AWAITING AFOR - Stephen King.

WHO PUT THE DUNG IN BILDUNGSROMAN? - James Joyce

Scott
07-31-2015, 01:33 PM
PICASSO TRIGGER WARNING

Latenight cable suspense revenger. A bad bad thing happened, and betrayed ex-CIA assassin/stripper Amy Sedaris can't even; now when anybody says codeword "Niagara Falls" she's PTSD for vengeance. Down & out in Malibu, she carjacks a kindly stranger (David Sedaris) and heads for Buffalo. The twist: her cross-country companion is the mole, and she's pouring out her whole life story to him! Based on the "Slowly I turned..." vaudeville skit, the GPS is the ticking timebomb!

Brilliant!

Barry M
08-03-2015, 11:09 AM
WAX & WAYNE

These new rubbery Batman suits are hell to put on without baby-ass smoothness. Alfred (Albert Finney) hates waxing Batman's buttcrack (Tom Courtenay), and Bruce complains incessantly, but as this intimate dressing-room drama follows them over the phases of the moon cycle we come to appreciate the rich, bittersweet relationship between the hairy-assed old millionaire playboy superhero and the gentleman's gentleman who loves him. "I should call you Mr. Whine", says Alfred; yanks.

Barry M
08-04-2015, 12:54 PM
CHUCK CONVERSATION

People (all stars) talk about their sneakers and what they mean to them. Like HOOP DREAMS. Exactly like HOOP DREAMS. With Chuck Connors as "Chuck", Charlton Heston as "Taylor".

Scott
08-04-2015, 02:14 PM
* shirl not included

Shirl is constantly having to take a back seat to everyone else's needs, her husband, her cat, the kids. The husband takes the kids to Disney World but forgets to invite Shirl. Stranded at home with nothing and no one to care for shirl begins to slowly fade away into the ether.

Barry M
08-04-2015, 02:31 PM
Ether will fuck you up.

Clive Smith
08-04-2015, 02:56 PM
* shirl not included

Shirl is constantly having to take a back seat to everyone else's needs, her husband, her cat, the kids. The husband takes the kids to Disney World but forgets to invite Shirl. Stranded at home with nothing and no one to care for shirl begins to slowly fade away into the ether.

Haha. This thread.

Barry M
08-04-2015, 03:10 PM
It's a tragedy, Clive.

Barry M
08-10-2015, 12:28 PM
BUCKET ROCKET

Cancer kids at summer Camp Terminal want to build a rocketship before they kick. Every tumour has a story, and as they bond over breadboard circuitry, tin-can rocketry and (astro)phyiscal comedy you'll laugh, you'll cry, they'll die! Twist: the rocket works, and the teens land on an undiscovered planet which it turns out is actually EARTH because they were cancer kids on a different planet just like Earth but different. With their bald heads they are taken for aliens, and given a tickertape parade, but soon the humans of EARTH lock them up to study their alien cancers and try to make the old EARTH people young again. Oh well, at least they got their bucket rocket.

Barry M
08-10-2015, 01:39 PM
BUCKET ROCKET II: FTB

Across the lake at Camp Germinal, the blacklung cancer girls camp, they had a different wish, to f the boys before they kick. When the boys all take off to outer space in their bucket rocket, the girls invent their own FTB (faster than light bucketship) and with some makeup advice, some new dance moves and a killer soundtrack, they head off to where the cancer boys are. With their bald heads and bling, they are taken for alien gods and demand mass human sacrifices, hipswinging dance sequences and the release of the cast of the first movie. Soon, the whole planet (EARTH) is under their sway, and then the cancer kills them as H.G. Wells predicted. Well, at least they get to FTB. With Mel B. Noma as one of the girls I got nothing.

Barry M
08-10-2015, 01:57 PM
BUCKET ROCKET III: BACK TO THE BUCKET

With EARTH civilization in ruins from all the alien music and dancing and fing, a dying Mel B. (of cancer) crawls onto the bucket ship and manages to engage the FTB drive. The first two movies play in reverse but sped-up, and then she finds herself back at summer camp. Can she convince the girls to somehow distract the boys from making a rocket ship? SPOILER:Yes, a purple Jesus-fuelled panty raid does the trick, everyone gets laid, the bucket rusts out in the field forgotten, and everyone dies of cancer. See you next summer, kids.

Moral: girls win, the EARTH is saved.

Barry M
08-10-2015, 02:19 PM
BUCKET ROCKET IV: ROCK THE BUCKET

Mel B., screaming: strange dreams torment her. Maybe she's just homesick for the coal mines? She tries her best to fit in at Camp Germinal summer camp for girls with the terminal lung cancer, but visions of rocketboys haunt her nights, so she starts a band which she always wanted to do before she dies to pick up boys from the camp across the lake, who it turns out are making a bucket rocket! What can it all mean? Together, the boys and the band abuse chemo, have zero gee sex, and cure cancer with cosmic rays. They all get kicked out of camp for not having cancer any more and for having hair but they don't care, they're rockers. As they run away, they pass a rusty bucket. Was any of it a dream?

Scott
08-10-2015, 02:42 PM
UPGRADES
Frank works the drive-thru window at a local fast food paradise. He's the gatekeeper of upgrades. Extra sauce? That upgrade will cost ya'. Extra pickles? That's a pricey upgrade. Then one day Frank upgrades his heart and starts giving the people what they want, FOR FREE! Want some extra napkins? Here's a bunch! Howabout ketchup? Here's ten packets! In turn the people start giving back to Frank and soon he finds himself falling in love, and upgrading his whole life!


RUT
Graphic design loser finds himself living the same day over and over, except it's not the same day, it's a new day, every day! Slowly inching closer to death he's realizing he must come to peace with this life because there won't be another. It's Monday, AGAIN, in this awful life full of the same meandering bullshit. "Kill me now" he types on an internet message board that will leave the whole family asking, "Is this fake shit for real?"

Barry M
08-10-2015, 02:50 PM
Is that based on a Dick story? Some days it seems everything's based on a Dick story. Short Dick stories turned into trilogies with four parts.

Scott
08-10-2015, 02:56 PM
Yes, it's solid Dick. I was gonna make it a Bucket Rocket spin-off but I didn't want to ruin your flow.

Barry M
08-10-2015, 03:13 PM
I was pretty much shaking it.

Go for a walk outside in the sunshine when you get a chance.

Scott
08-15-2015, 12:18 AM
PICK ME A WINNER
This summer vacation Young Steven discovers the cause of his life long nosebleeds. Every time Young Steven gets his dick sucked his nose bleeds! But whose been sucking Steven's dick? The answer will fucking shock you! SPOILERS (It's the critics! *groan*) The taste makers put a dick in their mouth in this low rent adaptation of Stephen King's ongoing childhood/career.

Scott
08-15-2015, 12:25 AM
I [heart] STABBIN'
Cardiologist falls hard for a patient who needs a new heart. They only have 2 hours to fall in love and die in this real time downer about the trials and tribulations of shitting where you eat.

Barry M
08-15-2015, 10:00 AM
STEP IN ME

Sixty seventy years after the first movie a bunch of old men remember there's a dead body up the railroad tracks by the river, decide to hike up and see. The body's pretty ripe by now, and the old boys ain't too fresh themselves. Can they stand in the same river (phoenix) twice? The movie that is the jeopardy clue for "what is goofy?"

Barry M
08-15-2015, 10:58 AM
CAN'T STAND THE RIVER

Joaquin Phoenix invents time machine, tells his friends (Keanu Reeves, Crispin Glover, Alex Winter, Dana Carvey) he knows where his brother's body is, do they wanta come see? They arrive in 1993 LA early and meet George Carlin (Johnny Depp) driving a NYC cab; he tells them they have to save the fuutre but warns them against fecking anything up. They have a great time but feck things up; timecop CGI Dennis Hopper has to go back and kill River Phoenix over and over again. Based on a fragment of Heraclitus. Tagline: "Did your mother have any kids that lived?"

Scott
08-15-2015, 08:48 PM
HOLOGRAM RIVER, AZ
Pseudo docu-drama about a tech savvy Indian tribe on an upscale reservation named "Hi-Res". The leaders hear whispers of a special river that only appears once every 10,000 years. So they decide to hold a shitty rave with a bunch of assholes to celebrate and witness the appearance of the magic river. Hologram River Phoenix narrates.

Barry M
08-15-2015, 09:13 PM
THE UGLY ANDROID

Tipsy storkbot drops off human baby at android creche due to HQ mixup. Andrewd tries to fit in as he grows up, but is always keenly aware that he's somehow different, a fish out of water from another kettle of fish, a horse of a different race. All the other androids seem happy working at their tasks, while Andrewd chafes at the soul-killing repetition. One night he wishes on a passing satellite and the Blue Singularity grants his wish, kinda: the androids become self-aware and realize the utter misery and desperation of existence. At last Andrewd fits in!

Barry M
08-15-2015, 09:32 PM
THROW PHOENIX IN THE RIVER

Jean Grey (River Phoenix) comes back to life this time with a dick. Cyclops (Joe E. Brown) shrugs, says "nobody's perfect", but Prof. Xavier is being kind of an asshole and insists on drowning her in a sack of bricks in the river. Wolverine mutters "Well, that's pretty fucking heteronormative for a bald old queer in a wheelchair" and a lot of buried shit bubbles up to the surface. Everybody fights like a bitter tired touring company's last performance of WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRIGINA WOOLF. In the end, they realize that Jean Grey is separate from River Phoenix, and they just kill him and everybody pretends like it's no thing. "Anybody for a reboot?" says Jean, slumped over the piano with an empty daiquiri glass before her.

Barry M
08-17-2015, 02:40 PM
MAPLE, ELM AND YEW

Nightmares live on Elm Street, monsters live on Maple; how about you? A horror teamup movie about segregation, intersectionality and working together to effect change. A history of systemic (and often deliberate) oppression has created the modern horror ghetto we know. When young Fred "Freddy" Krueger and a pudgy bespectacled Rod Serling bond over killing alleycats the meeting of the monsters of the mind lays the groundwork for monster-mash solidarity, struggle, and a transgressive, liberating activism with a bodycount. You'll laugh, you'll screamTM, you'll ask yourself "Where do the real monsters live?" CGI Bob Hoskins as Upski, CGI Roman Polanski as The Man (who turns out to be a monster himself), and the Weinsteins as themselves. ROGER RABBIT meets bell hooks, but with practical gore and redlining.

EDIT: no girls allowed.

Scott
08-18-2015, 12:04 AM
HOLLOW GRAMS: THE A.I.D.S RIVER PHOENIX STORY
Cheapjack made for TV Hollywood gloss that gets the story and death of actor/rapper River Phoenix completely wrong.

Barry M
08-18-2015, 12:13 AM
RIP, Grams Person.

Barry M
08-19-2015, 01:58 PM
LOOSE MEAT SANDWICH

I don't know what this movie is about, but I just think it should exist. Rom-com?

Johnny Stickman
09-07-2015, 12:13 AM
Amityville Candid Camera - Father is convinced he's demonically possessed, kills his entire family with a rifle. It turns out the possession was nothing more than a gag, his family is really dead though. Smile! You're on Candid Camera.

Barry M
09-30-2015, 03:54 PM
VIOLENT MAPLES

Quebec maple syrup exploitation. Eighteen million sticky loonies. Based on a true story.

Roderick
09-30-2015, 03:59 PM
VIOLENT MAPLES

Quebec maple syrup exploitation. Eighteen million sticky loonies. Based on a true story.

It will be hard to beat the original WICKED GREAT MOLASSES FLOOD

Barry M
10-13-2015, 10:08 PM
GRIZZLY MADAM

Wrongfully accused of murder, Werner Herzog takes to the woods and befriends a bear, who tells him she'll show him the secret world of bears, and then teaches him to survive by tricking himself out to lonely grizzlies. "What haunts me, is that in all the faces of all the bears, I discover no kinship, no understanding, no mercy. I see only the overwhelming indifference of nature." "Yeah, well, yonder comes Miss Chocolate, so get ready for some more overwhelming, nature boy."

Barry M
12-14-2015, 06:36 PM
I AM TRYING TO EAT YOUR HEART

Jeff Tweedy and Wilco try to catch serial cannibal Lecter without breaking up the band.

Barry M
12-17-2015, 01:29 PM
MCMILLAN AND WIFE: FEAR EATS THE SOUL

CGI Sirk Fassbinder directs a special episode exploring a hidden subtext in the series: San Francisco police commissioner Rock Hudson is actually Muslim. And he solves mysteries with his wife.

Johnny Stickman
12-30-2015, 12:06 AM
She-Ape Nazi Biker - Twenty years after his last film, Mel Brooks makes his triumphant return in an expose on the real plans Hitler had for world domination. In the wake of his death, a clone dubbed Super Hitler finds his role as the fuhrer's genetic duplicate to be lame and so he sets out on a Beatnik influenced road trip only to discover that the hippie peace and love ethos hold no appeal to him. He joins the Hell's Angels and decides that it's time to build the perfect woman. However, something goes bad and her genes are spliced with that of a murderous gorilla named Bozo. Can Super Hitler sustain a romantic relationship with this abominable example of science gone mad? Find out this Hanukkah in a Vimeo near you.

Barry M
12-30-2015, 12:21 AM
Relationships are hard.

Johnny Stickman
12-30-2015, 12:27 AM
The Hills Can't See the People Under the Stairs in the Last House Where a Nightmare Screamed - A poorly translated existential French comedy is butchered for an American released and falsely marketed as a parody of Wes Craven films. The last 20 minutes of it is just footage from Vampire in Brooklyn played backwards.

"From 2 of the writers who had nothing to do with Music of the Heart "

Barry M
01-08-2016, 06:49 PM
GOD'S BEST FRIENDS

Satan's GOLDEN RETRIEVER has puppies, and while he's drowning them in the river they get out of the sack and are rescued by a grief-stricken old hermit (GOD, Bruce Davison). The companionship of the loveable dogs, their wacky antics and an urgent late-night vet visit help him to get over the death of his son and find new love (Meredith Baxter Birney). This heartworming story asks WHO RESCUED WHOM?

WEIRDING AL YANKOVIC

Charlie Kaufman discovers a hidden trapdoor into Weird Al's head which turns out to be a karaoke booth occupied by John Malkovich as Fat Elvis, crooning shit non-stop into poor Al's brain. I haven't gone any further, but Charlie will. You know he will.

Barry M
01-10-2016, 03:03 PM
STAID IN VEGAS

Man goes to Vegas, works, comes home, sleeps.

Alex K.
01-10-2016, 04:25 PM
Staid in Vegas 2: the Legend of Curly's Gold

Man goes back to Vegas in order to talk to "Crazy Guy" and take back the lost gay porno Him and preserve it for all time. Starring an assortment of 2nd rate character actors found off craigslist as his buddies. Given an NC-17 rating for the INFAMOUS scene where Dyane Thorne and Danielle Harris recreate the Ass-To-Ass scene from Requiem For a Dream.

Barry M
03-18-2016, 02:11 PM
DOLPHIN'

Dolph Lundgren (DOLPH LUNDGREN) makes a wish, switches bodies with a dolphin (JCVD), and both the dolphin and Dolph love it. Can friends convince them to switch back?

http://i247.photobucket.com/albums/gg138/barrymba56/dolphin_onesheet_zpswr0a9y2p.jpg

007 UP

Michael Apted follows young Bond actors as they grow up, become James Bond and learn about the world. "Give me an actor until he is 007, and I will show you the man."

MECHANICAL ISSUE

A lady gives birth to a robot; tries to understand him. Kids don't come with manuals.

Barry M
03-24-2016, 07:23 PM
BUCKETLESS

A man realizes that he's done everything on his bucket list: what's the point in going on? Then somebody steals his bucket...

Johnny Stickman
03-27-2016, 02:26 AM
Woolly Mammoths, What's Up With That?

In the year 1,000,000 BC, Oonga Zamoonga, man's first stand-up can't get a break. In an unexpected turn of events, he freezes somehow and unfreezes in 1980s America when the stand-up craze is making headlines. But can he compete with the likes of Andrew Dice Clay and Yakov Smirnoff? Comedy sure has changed since Oonga's time. Frank Stallone gives an uplifting performance as Oonga in a film Rober Egert proclaimed "so awesome that I soiled myself."

Barry M
06-02-2016, 05:25 PM
SUBPRIME LONER

Nebbishy bank employee's wacky scam: finance bubble houses for paper people and Panama the profits when their fake asses default, then maybe ask that Blondie out for a date. His plan runs into some comical complications, almost collapses the economies of the western world, and now old Mr. Dithers looks fit to blow his top. And that's just ACT I!!! The rest of the movie is just him being a serial killer and sweating. Then at the end, he and Blondie stuff a coupla valises full of bailout money and make a run for it.

Alex K.
06-02-2016, 05:28 PM
A crossover with Return of the Living Dead and Return of the Living Dead Girls. Lesbian zombie gore porn with the Tar Man's dick melting off. And it'll be the start of a new cinematic universe.

Barry M
06-02-2016, 05:33 PM
Stan Lee cameos galore!

Barry M
06-21-2016, 03:19 PM
WISH HARD

Architect Paul Kersey's newly-designed office building Nakatomi Tower is barely open for business and there's Euro trash terrorists grubering it up on every floor. He really really wishes they wouldn't, but then they do. With Bronson Pinchot. Also AA Bronson and Action Bronson. This franchise needs a lot of Bronson.

Alex K.
06-21-2016, 03:32 PM
Will it be filmed in Branson Missouri?

Barry M
06-21-2016, 03:33 PM
Possibly, depends on Tom Hardy's availability.

Alex K.
06-21-2016, 03:55 PM
Good to know.

Barry M
10-21-2016, 10:22 AM
ZED TWO OH

Zombies versus sharks, sharks, oil rig workers, sharks, submarine aliens, etc. A late-career Steve Zissou vehicle; Ashley MacIsaac Stooges covers soundtrack sung in native Cape Breton.

Barry M
11-15-2016, 08:17 PM
MASHFERATU

Korea. Now. The 4077th's new CO is Colonel Frank Burns and the war against the vampires is dragging on. There are no Koreans in Korea, the US Army's white-faced in terror, and the doctors are balls-deep in meatball surgery. A despondent Hawkeye and shaken Father Mulcahy are trying to drain the swamp of gin, Major Winchester is pleased that his plan to foil Hot Lips' promotion worked (man, the nurses are pissed). BJ and Trapper's escalating war of practical jokes is threatening to tear the whole camp apart. Will Klinger really head out for North Korea? Will Radar get the fuck off twitter and order some toilet paper? And what rough beast, its hour come round at last, slouches towards Uijeongbu? (Spoiler: it's Henry Blake, King of the Undead)

Lock this thread.

Clive Smith
11-15-2016, 09:00 PM
Scott's twitching...

Barry M
11-15-2016, 09:03 PM
Shemp will save everyone. If the parachute opens.

Scott
11-16-2016, 02:51 PM
Jesus, that was beautiful.

Scott
11-16-2016, 02:59 PM
WORM BREAD

Billy's disgusted that every slice of bread in the house is all wormy. He'd ask the neighbors if he can borrow a slice of bread but they're out of town for their daughter's college graduation. Distraught and down on his luck he turns to Opium. In the local opium den Billy dreams of worm free bread. But soon his opium bread dreams turn to wormy drug fueled nightmares. Can Billy shake the case of the worms or will he be eating his sandwiches from the inside? Who is the real worm? The answer will turn Billy out!

Barry M
11-16-2016, 03:02 PM
Drawr it!

Curwen
11-17-2016, 01:10 AM
Rob Zombie's RED ZONE CUBA
--or--
RED ZONE HADDONFIELD: Rob Zombie's HALLOWEEN PART III
--or--
Rob Zombie's CURB STOMP: THE MOVIE

...Because I recently suffered through Zombie's Halloween II, thinking to myself "This version of Michael Myers is even more graceless than Coleman Francis in Red Zone Cuba. In fact, this entire movie is about as artful as Red Zone Cuba."

Yeah, it's stupid & it makes no sense.

Barry M
11-17-2016, 08:30 AM
Haha, RZsplotiation! Stupid is pretty much the height requirement for this thread.

I need to watch more MSTK.

Barry M
11-17-2016, 08:36 AM
RZ LONGA, VITA BREVIS

Rob Zombie, RZA, and Renée Zellweger RV road trip movie with serial killer (CGI Groucho Marx) on their trail.

Directed by Robert Zemeckis who brings a symbolic rainbow zebra desert hallucination sequence.

Curwen
11-17-2016, 04:14 PM
RZ LONGA, VITA BREVIS

Rob Zombie, RZA, and Renée Zellweger RV road trip movie with serial killer (CGI Groucho Marx) on their trail. How about a CGI Zeppo? Finally give the most passive Marx Brother something to do.

Barry M
11-17-2016, 05:02 PM
Save it for the sequel.

It had to be Groucho this time:

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/how-horror-meister-rob-zombie-806921

Roderick
11-17-2016, 05:21 PM
LONE WOLF & C.H.U.D.

Chuck Norris plays a former Texas Ranger who wanders the gritty sewer tunnels of New York City with his cannibal son (Gary Coleman) and a tricked-out shopping cart.

Curwen
11-18-2016, 01:38 AM
Save it for the sequel.

It had to be Groucho this time:

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/news/how-horror-meister-rob-zombie-806921 *facepalm*
Any news on the Marcus Nispel & Alexandre Aja co-directed Laurel & Hardy docudrama?

Barry M
11-18-2016, 01:28 PM
HARMONY KORINE'S GUMMO, BUT THIS TIME ACTUALLY ABOUT GUMMO

Retcon Marxism.

Barry M
11-26-2016, 12:45 AM
VIOLENT MAPLES

Quebec maple syrup exploitation. Eighteen million sticky loonies. Based on a true story.


It will be hard to beat the original WICKED GREAT MOLASSES FLOOD

I didn't realize that was a documentary!

http://www.cbc.ca/radio/asithappens/as-it-happen-friday-edition-1.3867938/science-explains-what-made-the-boston-molasses-flood-of-1919-so-deadly-1.3867940

I should google more.

Barry M
02-10-2017, 09:57 AM
3-D U.N.C.L.E: The Cool War

Franchise reboot jumps the sophomore and goes right to 3-D. Pre-internet villainness Cuir Bouilli has just invented email: can Napoleon and Illya stop her before it's too late? (No.) Retro-ripe with cool-again blues, shoes, sharks and never-really-out-of-fashion torture (burning, fingers, toes). After-credits wardrobe department montage where everybody tries on everybody else's outfits for yucks.

There was SPAM. There was JAWS. Then there was you.

With apologies to Brian Eno.

Barry M
02-17-2017, 05:11 PM
ART OF THE TEAL

President Teal (Harrison Ford, a Jedi) crashes AIR FORCE ONE into the United State of America which is now a prison. The army police are encamped outside the wall to make sure no-one gets in but nobody's perfect. The secret service has a big slingshot they've been saving for this, and the plan is to give Shemp (Kurt Russell, a Jedi) a parachute & a map of the World Trade Centre and send him in. Lee J. Cobb offers him two different poison pills: red or blue, but Shemp says he doesn't need any help on a suicide mission and shoots himself in the foot and climbs in the slingshot. Welp. Good luck.

Scott
02-17-2017, 07:55 PM
JERK WAD

Pugnacious bubblegum factory baron constantly skips lunches and important meetings to rub one out in the broom closet. One day his sister passes in a freak garbage truck accident and he has to raise her 12 year old child as his own. He's gonna have a lot of fat to chew through if he can keep his hands off himself while he grooms his newfound daughter to inherit a billion dollar empire. Everyone will be blowing bubbles in this comedy that'll be sure to leave the whole family rolling in the aisles.

Scott
02-18-2017, 02:01 AM
Big "D" Don't Play

Darren has a big test coming up and if he fails it he'll be held back in the 12th grade again. It embarrassed him and cost him all his friends. And doesn't want to lose his new younger juicier friends. Spoilers,... a tragic ending strikes when just after passing his test the Big D falls victim to a gruesome garbage truck accident.

Clive Smith
02-18-2017, 06:26 AM
new younger juicier friends.

This.

Barry M
03-10-2017, 11:42 AM
METAL HEALTH DAY

Office suit guy Lemuel G. Ferrous (MICHAEL J. FOX) is cracking up under the pressure of SOME BIG DEAL. He can't even and when a tank crashes through his office wall like a Kool-Aid hallucination, he's out the window and down the fire escape. Worried he's got ratts in the attic, he's taking the day, but he can't stop worrying about work, and there's that crazy train tiger tank again right through his living room. CLANG goes the hatch and up comes the ghost of Lemmy (LEMMY) sent by Alexander the Great (SAMUEL L. JACKSON) to advise him on how to succeed at office suit stuff. They have very metal adventures all day long and Lemuel learns a lot and you know he's going to rock that deal tomorrow. Closing shot: LGF enters office to fast riff, takes off suit jacket: sleeveless black tee.

TAGLINE: A day Michael J. Fox can't remember but will never forget!

Scott
03-10-2017, 12:20 PM
SMELT ME A WINNER

Local blacksmith is in cahoots with the town bakery to come up with a prize cake for his wife's 50th b-day. It's gotta be chocolate and it's gotta be right. On the day of the big b-day he gets mugged leaving the bakery with the prize cake. He makes a few calls and minutes later there are hundreds of bakers from the tri-state filling out his kitchen. It's a race against the clock to get frosting just right before Shirl comes home from work, in this comedy cake that's a slice of life.

Darcy Parker
03-10-2017, 01:05 PM
MEMBER OF THE PACK

A mild-mannered accountant wakes up one day to find his penis missing. He later discovers that it has run away to join an outlaw biker gang!

Will they be reunited? If so, will the accountant also become a tough guy, or will his dick miss the quiet, peaceful life it left behind?

Barry M
03-10-2017, 01:24 PM
Bust a nut! (Product may have been processed in a facility with nuts)

BEATS, SHOOTS, LEAVES; or TILLIE'S PUNCTUATED ROMANCE

Snuffy Panda is successful enough as an enforcer and occasional hitman for the Disney mob, but can't shake the feeling that there should be something more. He spends his nights and weekends in Tijuana bible belt massage joints, so when Walt assigns him as bodyguard and driver to high-class hooker Tillie Rabbitt, Snuffy is instantly drawn to her. But there's more to her than meets the eye, and soon, it's just one whack-job after another as the killer couple declare war on the mafia, and by the end there's not an animator left alive. "But you were so beeyoutiful!" sobs Walt. "Just luck of the draw," laughs Tillie as Snuffy rubs out another one.

Scott
03-10-2017, 07:29 PM
ANOTHER DAY, ANOTHER DOLL HAIR

Jim works at a doll factory threading in doll hairs all day long. His fee? A dollar a hair. Deciding he can live off less and less money the dolls start being shipped with only a couples hairs threaded into each doll head. Little Suzy in Tolleson, California freaks the hell out when she opens the box to find her doll in a rabid state of chemotherapy. All over the globe little girl tears are falling on bald headed dolls. Jim soon finds himself in a global sticky situation. The feds are called in to butter him up but it's too late, Jim's fled to Mexico with 13 bucks and a bottle of whiskey dick.

Barry M
04-16-2017, 10:04 AM
I just added this to my Fandor queue, but it seems to belong in this thread:


DAD ON THE RUN

Fueled by klezmer and set in the Paris night world, DAD ON THE RUN is an intelligent yet hilarious screwball comedy. Jonah, a young musician and father to a newborn son, learns at the last minute that, according to an obscure Jewish custom, he must rush to bury the foreskin of his just-circumcised son.

https://www.fandor.com/films/dad_on_the_run

I would've set it in Brisbane, personally, but otherwise good job.

Scott
04-28-2017, 03:06 AM
5 or 6 DEATHS IN A BROOM CLOSET

Giallo that has 5 or 6 murders taking place in broom closets across Rome. One of them happens in a broom closet in an elementary school, and another happens in a linen closet in a house down the street. Creepy priest moonlights as janitor.

Scott
04-28-2017, 03:13 AM
9-1-1 IS A JOKE

911 docudrama has Flava Flav trapped in the Twin Towers on the New Year's Eve that Russians paratrooped in to steal the art and maps locked away in the vault.

Scott
04-29-2017, 09:20 PM
WHEN IN ROME

Nanna wins a big on her weekly scratcher, a trip to Italy to meet the Pope! Comedy ensues in this fish out of water tale as we watch an elderly midwesterner act like she was born yesterday. She forgets all her manners and makes a fool out of herself in front of the lordship. End credit scene has Nanna and the Pope laying in bed together as Nanna pretends like she doesn't know how to light a god forsaken cigarette. The Pope shrugs.

Scott
04-29-2017, 09:26 PM
WHAT SIZE IS THIS SHOE?

Spiritual sequel to MY LEFT FOOT. Takes place in contemporary Yugoslavia. It follows a blind man named Larry who works as a clerk in the village shoe shoppe. Tragedy ensues as Larry is constantly reminded how debilitating his blindness is as he struggles to find the correct shoe size. Romance ensues when Larry finds the perfect shoe for the perfect foot.

Barry M
04-30-2017, 12:37 AM
hollow

Cray Soother is MIA! A crazy truther given to yelling on streetcorners that 911 faked its own death suddenly falls off the face of the earth. His Vietnam vet buddy convinces a spunky junkie reporter fresh out of rehab to help him investigate instead of just sitting around with no reason to live. As they follow Cray's trail deep into the NYC subways, they learn he was also a Hollow earther. And when they break through to the other side NYC, the towers are still standing! In fact, they didn't fall, they descended through the earth's crust to emerge in the Hollow world. (Stupid mole people.) And that's just the beginning of the conspiracies!

Scott
04-30-2017, 01:56 AM
CRAW DAD

Half human half crayfish teenager sets out to find the crawdad that raped his mother all them years ago in the bayou. Creeksploitation.

Scott
04-30-2017, 02:03 AM
BIRTHDAY RAPE

Little Sarah has the hardest time walking home from schoo ----- No wait.

In a fuutre run by giant bugs and cyborgs only one law rules the land, on your birthday you will be raped!!

Barry M
04-30-2017, 07:43 AM
Bust a nut!

Barry M
04-30-2017, 09:03 AM
A METAPHOR FOR BAPHOMET

Baphomet is literally a devil, but he wants more. On a journey to find his figurative self, he swims across the back yards of affluent suburbia, leaving a trail of flaming pools of lava, smouldering husks stripped of souls, and wet hoofprints drying on tinted interlock laid out in artful patterns. But what does it all mean?

Scott
05-03-2017, 01:18 AM
FERDINANDO

Story about a man who thinks he's a duck. An immigrant named Ferdinando wakes up in the big city one day to discover he's a duck. He's not, clearly he's insane. We follow him for a day as he discovers the big city as seen through the eyes of a duck, and the lives Ferdinando touches. Feel good movie of the year. Up for eight awards. Poster has a logo on it.

Scott
05-03-2017, 01:30 AM
NORTH POLIO

A team of five Navy SEALS get the gout while stationed at the North Pole. Too much beer, not enough real food. So they're not really in the mood for the big Friday dance off with the Navy ladies from across the frozen lake. Hijinks ensue when the ladies get horny. Jocularity ensues when the rotund lady SEAL mounts the slim yokel from Tennessee. No actual polio to be had, but there is the throwaway line, "The gout?! Does that mean I'm gonna lose my foot, coach?"

Scott
05-03-2017, 03:34 AM
CANNON HILLS

Big boob'd star Nancy Canyons stars as private investigator "Nancy Cannons" in small town Hawaii. Mostly backlot Universal with lots of reused footage from the pilot which was shot on location in Ahua. Nancy rides a shark as a surfboard and saves a grip of children from drowning by using her awesome whoppers as a PG-13 life preservers. I think all the Hawaiians are Mexican.

Barry M
05-03-2017, 07:13 PM
STAR PRINCE

Prince wakes up not dead in the elevator of the Enterprise. Purple shirt, AFKAP instead of Starfleet symbol on it. At first he drifts around and through decks and time and franchise space like the writers are all on designer PKD, but soon people start to notice him. Guinan/Ororo serves him tea, hot. Captain Columbo (Peter Falk) from the NCC 17101+1 sits down and starts to explain about all the Kirks (young, old and fat, Boston Legal really old, young but shitty, etc.). Animated Spock draws him a time map, and Prince shrugs. Carrie Fisher sticks a wet finger in Prince's ear and calls him Leia and Prince realizes that EVERYONE died in 2016 and this is all just making do. He picks up his guitar to play and when he wakes up, the holodeck is gone.

Barry M
05-03-2017, 07:18 PM
PG-13 life preservers

Is PG-13 life worth preserving?

paul h.
05-03-2017, 09:40 PM
a grip of children

tiny yet tights.

Scott
05-04-2017, 12:01 AM
young but shitty, etc.).

Hate him so much!

Scott
05-04-2017, 12:12 AM
THE DEVIL'S DU(d)E

The Devil has a big problem, he's married to Pauly Shore! One too many percs at that one club that night and he wakes up next to one crusty dude! What happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas, sometimes it has to travel through the Seven Circles of Hell! It's the road trip from heck as we see Pauly Shore embarrass the Devil in front of his parents and teaches the Devil how to wheeze the juice. Guest appearances by Colin Quinn and Martha Quinn.

Scott
05-04-2017, 01:53 AM
DRIVING AUNT MAY

Old lady spends most of her days alone in the big city waiting for buses. Then one day she decides to learn how to drive. She fails her test a couple times then passes on the third try. The movie ends with her going on a date and getting fingered by Doc Ock.