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Released by: Hollywood DVD
Released on: 1/18/2002
Director: Godfrey Ho
Cast: Richard Harrison, Gerry Broad, Kevin McHugh, Eric Redner, Silvia Rod
Year: 1986
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The Movie:
Ninjas. The silent assassins from Japan. More often than not, they're hard to spot and even harder to stop. They sneak around in the dark, unseen by the human eye. Except in Godfrey Ho movies, where they sport purple and red jump suits and brightly colored headbands that stick out like a sore thumb.
This brings us to The Ninja Squad - one of approximately four hundred and seventy three ninja movies that Godfrey Ho made in the 1980s by recycling footage of Richard Harrison, sometimes with a moustache and sometimes without, and splicing it into other footage to create something not quite coherent or logical. Harrison got his start in the U.S. after jumping into Hollywood (he landed a bit part in South Pacific) after a career as a male model. From there, after he didn't get the success he'd hoped for, her went across the pond to Italy where he starred in a bunch of peblums, spaghetti westerns, and trashy horror films through the early eighties when the Italian film industry bottomed out. From here, Harrison decided upon the wise move to head where the work was and he hooked up with the esteemed Mr. Ho in Asia, and thus the ninja movies began to multiply like rabbits beginning with (at least I think this one was the first...) Ninja Thunderbolt which literally features ninjas on roller-skates.
At any rate, a year after his supposed ninja movie debut, The Ninja Squad appeared. This movie is basically about a squad of ninjas, and you can tell this because they all wear brightly colored headbands that say 'NINJA' on them in big letters. Some of these headbands also have a picture of a ninja on them as well. They look like they were taken from one of those $9.99 Halloween costumes you still see at Wal-Mart from time to time. That is, if you shop at Wal-Mart. And if you do, you should probably stop because they're a very evil corporation.
The plot, if you can call it that, revovles around a ninja empire that gets into hot water when Gordon (yes, Harrison plays a ninja named Gordon) the 'Supreme Ninja Master' is chased down by a ninja known only as Ivan the Red. You can tell that Ivan is serious, because he wears a red ninja suit. He wants to fight Gordon, but Gordon is way too cool for that crap. So Ivan decides to kill one ninja a month until Gordon decides throw down with him. Meanwhile, a ninja named Billy, who kind of sucks at being a ninja really, has to save his sister (by using a little kid as a decoy!) and track down the bastard who killed his mother.
Eventually, Gordon tires of seeing so many ninjas die at Ivan's hands and he decides to show him why he is the 'Supreme Ninja Master.' Billy, on the other hand, runs around and shoots everyone he comes into contact with and gets into trouble with the local police.
This cinematic bad boy is obviously two films spliced into one, Godfrey Ho style. There are two very different stories here - Billy's, which involves some Asian drug dealers and a kidnapping and really has very little to do with ninjas, and Gordon's, which is wall to wall ninjas and has nothing to do with kidnapping or drug dealers. Luckily, with everything redubbed by a crew of highly trained experts in reproducing strange accents, it all comes together beautifully (okay, I'm lying).
Story aside, and really, it has to be put aside here because it doesn't make a lick of sense, The Ninja Squad delivers plenty of backflips, wind chimes, garish costumes, strange accents, sword fights, and stunningly bad dialogue with lines like 'Remember… born a ninja, die a ninja.' It all adds up to a delieriously good time even if it is literally a cut and paste job. Richard Harrison has all the charisma of a turd and although he looks very sexy with his black eye liner on (the ladies love him, in the Biblical sense even!) he looks so out of place here that it's simply amazing. In short, that's really the only way to describe this movie - simply amazing. It's not good, but it is a triumph regardless. God bless you Godfrey Ho, and God bless you too, Richard Harrison. For this film is a gift to the entire world and for that you shall always be remembered.
Video/Audio/Extras:
The film is presented fullframe and it looks to be pan and scan, though not truly knowing the original aspect ratio of this fine production, I can't say for sure if it's cropped or not - only that it looks that way. Given that this is essentially a cut and paste job, it's not surprising that the image consistently looks like shit. There are scratches and debris and dirt all over the washed out print. The colors are faded, but at least the contrast levels are ok. What this results in is a really beat up looking print that is clear enough to be watchable - but really only barely. Still, there are a lot of ninjas in this movie, so that makes up for it.
The English Dolby Digital Mono soundtrack is crappy. It's full of hiss and there are pops and scratches audible all over the place. There's very little bass for your face and the sound effects, mostly 'whooosh' noises and swords clanking, or way up in the mix and sometimes quite distorted. Luckily, the dialogue somehow manages to come through with enough clarity that you can understand it. I'm not entirely sure that it makes a difference, as this movie would play just as well with the volume off, but then again, if you couldn't hear the dialogue you wouldn't be able to hear the ancient Asian wisdom of Richard Harrison so maybe it's for the best after all.
Why the Hell is there no commentary from Godfrey Ho and Richard Harrison? Dammit. Sadly, all we get are a trailer for the feature and for two other ninja films also available on DVD from Hollywood - Ninja Terminator and some other equally goofy film.
The Final Word:
OK fine, it looks like crap and it sounds like crap and it doesn't even make any sense, but who cares?! Ninja Squad packs at least a week's worth of ninja hijinks into a nice little ninety minute bundle of joy in that special way that only Godfrey Ho can manage. Until Criterion comes to their senses and gives this film the special edition treatment it so justly deserves, this budget disc from the United Kingdom will have to do - and at least it's only £2.99.