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Released by: Warner Archive
Released on: 4/1/2011
Director: Various
Cast: Chuck Norris
Year: 1986
Purchase From Amazon
The Movie:
After Chuck Norris became a mainstay of R-rated action movies in the eighties and before he retired from Walker: Texas Ranger, had a bunch of facts make him an internet superstar and before he decided to write a column at right wing lunatic website World Net Daily someone (possibly Jesus) decided he needed his own kids' show. Enter Ruby-Spears, who had just scored a hit with a Mr. T cartoon, who brought Norris in and plopped him into a red kimono to film some live action intro's and outro's for a five episode run called Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos.
The series follows Chuck, who plays a fictionalized version of himself, who works for a secret government agency and heads up the Karate Kommandos made up of a tech wizard chick named Pepper, her younger brother Reed, a samurai named Kimo, a massive sumo wrestler named Tabe and Chuck's right hand guy, a kid named Too Much. Together this highly trained group of operatives keep the world safe from a super secret organization called VULTURE lead by a bad guy named The Claw (because he has a giant claw, see) and his main henchman, Super Ninja (who is kind of like Cobra Commander except not as cool).
The five episodes that make up the series are pretty fucking awesome. Cast in point:
Episode One - The Deadly Dolphins: Our introduction to the Karate Kommandos, who can't spell Commandos properly and don't really do much in the way of actual karate, comes in this episode where Chuck is helping a kindly scientist named Dr. Sanford with his experiments that, should they succeed, will allow humans to breath underwater. VULTURE wants to get their hands on this technology so Super Ninja and a hot albino chick named Angelfish try to steal it and kidnap Sanford. Chuck and his pals team up with some dolphins, who aren't really all that deadly and who dance around above water by balancing on their tales, to save the day.
Episode Two - Target: Chuck Norris: The Claw is pissed off at Chuck Norris and so he puts out a bounty on him. He also tries to steal a microchip that will allow him to control NATO's computer systems and potentially take over the world. Chuck and the Kommandos head into action to get the microchip back but somewhere along the line Too Much gets kidnapped and held hostage by Super Ninkja, at which point Chuck flips out and launches an intense mission to get his boy ward back safe and sound.
Episode Three - Terror Train: A scientist built a giant robot laser and Chuck Norris and his pals are assigned with guarding it from bad guys while it's being transported on a train. Not surprisingly, Claw wants to get that laser and so he sends a small army of poorly trained ninjas to get it for him. Chuck figures this is no big thing and so he and the Kommandos get to kicking ass while the super sneaky Super Ninja plants a bunch of bombs on the train so that he can blow everyone up. Chuck has to resort to some pretty daring tactics to save everyone on the train from exploding and dying.
Episode Four - Menace From Space: There's a space shuttle that's about to launch on some sort of assuredly awesome mission that The Claw wants to get. Chuck and his Kommandos try to warn a general in time but they don't make it in time and The Claw makes off with the space shuttle. What most people didn't realize is that the space shuttle The Claw got has a super powerful fusion beam onboard that can obliterate anything they shoot it at - so Chuck has to get himself his own space shuttle and head into orbit to stop The Claw and Super Ninja from blowing stuff up.
Episode Five - Island Of The Walking Dead: The last episode sounds like a zombie story, doesn't it? It sure does, and amazingly enough, that's exactly what it is. See, The Claw has set his sights on an American space satellite that he figures he can reprogram to use in his ongoing quest to take over the world's military installations. The one and only President Of The United Fucking States sends Chuck to stop The Claw but Super Ninja shows up and makes things difficult for him and The Claw somehow gets the satellite to Voodoo Island. Chuck and his Kommandos head to the island to get it back and when they arrive find out that this is an island straight out of a Lucio Fulci movie, complete with shambling, shuffling corpses out to cause all sorts of icky trouble.
This series, which was also spun off into a toy line and a comic book line, is simultaneously awesome and horrible, or more accurately, it's awesome in its horribleness. Chuck saunters his way through the series bulked up to Hulkish proportions, often shirtless and periodically wearing an ascot for some reason, showing almost superhuman skills and abilities while surrounded by a team of wise cracking kids and Japanese stereotypes. The character design is goofy, the continuity non-existent (it's not uncommon four moustaches to appear and disappear at random) and the voice acting wooden. The series absolutely glorifies violence and teaches us that guns are not dangerous, dolphins are. While there may be some truth to this, Chuck shows kids that to easily defeat an army of laser gun wielding ninjas using only a fire hose all you have to do is be able to jump out of the way in time - that's not as easy as it looks, even if the ninjas you're fighting are idiots.
Chuck, live action Chuck that is, sets up each episode and then shows up again at the end to talk about the morals of the show. Sometimes it makes sense and fits in with the story, other times it does not. Chuck's character seems to have his own moral code, at one point stealing a kid's bike, having the sheer balls to tell the kid when he gets upset 'It's okay… I'm Chuck Norris.'
Video/Audio/Extras:
All five episodes that make up the epic complete series are taken from existing tape masters and presented in their original fullframe aspect ratio. They are interlaced but perfectly watchable, showing okay color reproduction though there is frequent softness. This isn't something you're going to watch to marvel over the video quality, but it looks okay.
The only audio option is an English language Dolby Digital Mono track, no alternate language options or subtitles are supplied so if you don't speak English, well, Chuck probably wouldn't want to talk to you anyway. The audio is clear enough and if it sounds a little flat here and there, it's not a big deal. You won't have any problem following the intricate dialogue.
Extras? Not a one, just a static menu offering episode selection.
The Final Word:
Hilariously horrible in every way possible, Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos is a highpoint in dumb kids' shows - but it's also ridiculously entertaining. While it's a shame that the series was given only five episodes to spread its wings, at least those episodes are now available to those who want them thanks to Warner Archive's DVD release. What it lacks in audio/video pizzazz, it more than makes up for in stupid entertainment.
