• Uncle Farts’ Dirty Movie Theater

    Released by: Independent Entertainment
    Released on: 8/23/2011
    Director: various
    Cast: many
    Year: various
    Purchase from Amazon

    The Movie:
    Uncle Farts makes his triumphant return in this third installment in an ongoing series, showcasing four movies from the 1970s. This time around the horribly animated, Peter Griffen-esque character is in charge of running a movie theater. His nephew Scooper helps him run a marathon of 70s skin flicks. It’s more of the same marginally humorous antics involving lowbrow humor as with the other two Farts releases (ha!) and features all the same supporting characters. The movies featured are of the softcore variety featuring some recognizable faces. So how do the four films within stack up?

    Disc One:
    Involuntary Bird This one’s filled with boring fake screwing, that features lots of close ups of male faces in orgasmic ecstasy. There, that’s out of the way, so here’s the story. There’s this guy with a big mustache and he answers the phone, and words come out of his mouth. He has a pal, Mustache #2 and there’s a brunette floating around who screws them both. Then a blonde walks in, screws Mustache #1 and proceeds to tell him how worried she is about Jerry who’s in jail. Jerry gets out of jail and shakes her. No one gives a good shaking like Jerry. So the blonde lady goes and tells the Mario Bothers that Jerry roughed her up, so they go outside to take care of Jerry. But we never see that. The women are left alone, start talking about how the rent gets paid, then suddenly there’s a 3-way going on. We never learn how the rent gets paid. The blonde walks in and the movie ends. Abruptly ends. Take horrible music that accompanies four scenes of horrible fake sex, and add that to the fact that it’s a disjointed movie with missing scenes. What do you get? A waste of time. It’s not in any way entertaining.

    She’ll Do Alright
    Julia Perrin stars as a French girl in America who wants to learn English. What better way than to work for a maid agency and boink all the clients. Her first assignment involves a nasty skinny old man, a nasty skinny older woman, and a million cats. Thank fucking GOD no sex evolves from the situation, but the two skinny farts make plenty of comments suggesting sex is on its way. She splits the scene and gets reassigned, this time to a wealthy couple with two daughters. She gets into trouble there with the help of one Herschel Savage, so she gets reassigned. Next she finds herself in the mansion of a rich family, featuring an old war-horse of a grandfather. Susan Nero plays another maid in the house, but unfortunately there's no uniform wearing lesbo action. Instead we get to see an adorably cute older woman (Morgan Jones, who apparently and unfortunately made just this one movie) get it on with her husband, and we get to see Ms. Nero blow the old guy. Julia gets out of there and gets reassigned again. This time with rich scientist John Leslie, and baby that ones the keeper.

    Two things are very obvious here. One is that this is a hardcore feature with all the hardcore taken out. In a few spots you can see a frame or two of penis-in-orifice action, and yes it was rewound and frame-by-framed. The other obvious thing is that the voices are not the real voices of the actors. The movie is totally dubbed, and the dialogue is funny. “Didn’t you know you can get cancer from making it as lesbians?” It could be that the hardcore version was dubbed into a non-English language and then was cut up and re-dubbed in English for 80s satellite television. Someone out there must know. This one has lots to be happy about: the music is awesome, Sue Nero is in a maid’s outfit, there’s female masturbation in front of a wall-sized mirror, there’s more female masturbation with a bizarre fantasy, the grandpa tells great war lies, and that milf is outstanding. At any rate the original title is Love Dreams from 1981, and now this writer needs to get that to see which version is more entertaining.

    Disc Two:
    First Time
    This one is another hardcore feature trimmed down, titled the same, but minus the amazing dubbing. Directed by Anthony Spinelli, Mimi Morgan plays a porn star that reminisces about her getting into the business. Her abusive man, Joey Silvera, forces her into it because he’s got no money. It starts out with swinger parties and eventually goes into the world of smut. Along the way she finds someone better for her (Jack Wright) than her Joey. It’s pretty uninspired story telling, but Mimi Morgan is sexy and brings energy to the table. The sex is good (surely better in the hard version) and one lesbo scene in particular with Suzanne French is pretty steamy for being a softcore version. There is a painful slow motion sequence at the beginning but for the most part it rolls right along. Surely the XXX version is better, but this one still was pretty good.

    Adultery For Fun and Profit
    Lastly is a flick from 1971 directed by the same guy who helmed Poor Pretty Eddie, Richard Robinson. Meet Richard (a different Dick), a dude who gets paid by husbands in the process of getting divorced to screw their wives in order to get evidence of adultery against them. That way they can get out of paying alimony. Along the way he is found out by a lawyer who extorts him into a forced partnership, seeing Richard get $10 grand for each woman he successfully seduces. The tables turn though, and Richard gets more than he bargained for when the women strike back. With all the hardcore cut out, this one runs a paltry 34 minutes. It’s certainly entertaining enough though, the girls are attractive and the story has humor. For the hardcore version, seek out Something Weird Video. They have a DVD-R available.

    This is the third installment in the Uncle Farts series and this time around they’ve managed to put up three entertaining enough movies, She’ll Do Alright being the cream at the top. The Uncle Farts segments are pretty forgettable, but they do the job of threading the movies together. Of the three Farts collections, Dirty Movie Theater is at the head of the pack.

    All four movies and the Farts material is in an aspect of 4:3 full screen. The bookend features look like shit. Those films are all scratched up, full of damage, and filled with color troubles. The middle two flicks look better, but still suffer from the same type of issues. Just not as bad. But it all goes with the theme of the set, so it is what it is. Don’t come to the table looking for high-end quality. The audio is ok, the discs both having 2.0 Dolby Digital, but surely the movies are mono. Minor pops and hisses are present but not distracting. The discs seem free of authoring issues. The only supplements are some trailers for other releases from the company.

    The Final Word:
    This has so far been the most consistently entertaining Uncle Farts collection. Let’s hope the next one is at least on the same level.

    Comments 3 Comments
    1. Paul Casey's Avatar
      Paul Casey -
      That cover is pretty excellent.
    1. Mike T's Avatar
      Mike T -
    1. Todd Jordan's Avatar
      Todd Jordan -
      She's no where to be found in any of the movies.