Tweet
2009
Dir. by Eugene Baldovino
Cinema Epoch
Minty: The Assassin is a film where its creators are so in love with its idea that they have no idea how bloody awful the finished product is. To whit, I can barely muster a review beyond the bulleted list below. Seriously.
Minty (Elina Madison) is a mint chocolate-powered lesbian assassin who's sensei/mentor Big Boss (Anthony Ray Parker) has been taken captive by the evil Dr. Brain Bender, the “ultimate†fanboy, replete with bad facial hair and sneakers. He even has an oversexed vampire lesbian assistant, Double Dee (Tabitha Taylor). So, to save Big Boss and defeat the evil doctor, Minty has to work her way through Cock Tower.
Gawd, I wish I was making this up.
Here, then, is what she faces as she battles her way through to the end:
- A gay glittery ninja
- A fratboy superman
- A Buffy-esque rat man
- Bruce “Zeeâ€
- An alcoholic schoolgirl that shoots blue fire outta each orifice
- The Zen Cowboy
- An evil bunny in an awful animated sequence
- Lesbian softcore with pasties
- Bad astronomical science
- Even worse animation for the lesbian hardcore scene
- Each criminal removing a piece of her clothing
- Very bad slow-motion
- Crotch shots
Extras
Cinema Epoch's DVD is pretty bare bones, feature chapter selection, the film's trailer, and a crappy still gallery. The Dolby 2.0 soundtrack adequately conveys how awful this film is and how cool it thinks it really is. English is the only option, thankfully other nations having been spared any exposure here. The 16:9 widescreen would look good, too, if what is was displaying wasn't so eye-gougingly awful.
Summary
I'd call Minty: The Assassin a train wreck but that would imply momentum and some type of crafty. This film has neither. Somewhere in the film is a message about unrealistic fanboy expectations. I think that's about it. A horrible waste of time, effort, money and, well, everything.
Rating: F
That "F" rating seems on par for what most think. I might have to watch for the hell of it.