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Anal Cunt - The Old Testament
Released by: Relapse Records
Released on: 11/22/2011
Purchase From Amazon
Anal Cunt, everyone's mother's favorite band. The name is a definite head turner. I used to talk about them with my former boss. He would laugh about them, so I burnt him a copy of Morbid Florist. To his credit, he did listen to it, but he hated it. Though, he likes to (inaccurately) sing Guy Lombardo on occasion. Ah, Anal Cunt, local legends. There are plenty of hilarious and outrageous Anal Cunt stories (not including the one above...that one fuckin' sucks), but I'm not gonna get into 'em. It's 2011, use Google, you fuckin' lazy slob.
That leaves us with the album at hand, THE OLD TESTAMENT. Need some Anal Cunt and are searching for some hard, black 7"s but don't wanna hit up Craigslist for a local tranny? Well, Relapse Records has put out just the thing for you. This 2xCD set compiles a bunch of older AxCx 7"s, splits, demos, and live tracks. This is great news for fans of AxCx's older, noisier material. This material is from when they were a great noisecore band and not just a parody of themselves. Songs were harsh and fun, and not just an excuse for funny song titles and lyrics. I guess I'm the old guy, but whatever, fuck off. Just because you're 15 and have a shitty haircut and a skateboard and bang lots of chicks while I sit home and wear an Action Blanket and use a neck pillow doesn't make you better than me. What's the highest level D&D character you've ever had, punk? 1st edition, you fuckin' wiseass douche. I'mma smash your skateboard, go buy booze, go home, strap myself into my mobile blanket and fall asleep to some shitty movie I've seen thirty times. Good luck getting to your girlfriend's house without your deck, prick!
Oh yeah, so, um, ANAL CUNT!!! There's a ton of material on here, so I'll do my best to pick out some highlights. Can you read this on your iPhone, you little fuckface?
Split with Meat Shits (love that name!) - Lo-Fi frenzy. This is prime AxCx. Noisy blasts and one track is punctuated with bits from a Richie Valens sounding song. It's kinda like when my La Bamba VHS got stuck in the machine...except I didn't cry at the end (screw you, Esai Morales!).
Songs from The Master of Noise 12" comp - There's some seriously heavy shit on this one. They rock some beefy riffs and blast some grind fury. I almost think I heard a Blur riff in there, but this is probably older. Did Blur rip off Anal Cunt? Yes. I am 600% sure.
Unplugged EP - haha Not unplugged as much as no distortion pedals, I guess. Interesting and pretty funny. However, there are some pretty rad jams on it. The second (third?) song on the first side starts off as a rock song with growls and then breaks into some noise. I don't know, it's Anal Cunt. You know what I'm trying to describe. Oh, side two is live!
Live EP - The intro is great because you can hear someone properly pronounce "losers." Also, you can hear a guy in the crowd say, "These guys totally suck, man." Side one is great, but the second side is kinda shitty. The mic that was used to record it (probably on a tape recorder stolen from some druggie's older brother) takes all the vocals, clips 'em, and cuts out the rest. Otherwise, it'd be totally great as well.
Riverbottom Nightmare Band - AxCx does an awesome cover of the Riverbottom Nightmare Band from Emmet Otter's Jug Band Jerkoff. I mean, that's EVERYONE'S favorite part of that movie, right? They even have a fake Rick Wakeman!
Even Newest H.C. Song #1 - Yeah, I'm pretty sure this is just a SIEGE song.
First Demo - This is raw, the recording isn't the best, and it's AWESOME. I'd take this over any Gore Beyond Necropsy release any day. Nikudorei, on the other hand, I'd have to think about. I don't know if it's because I'm hungover or not, but each song that starts with the guy hitting his sticks together makes me think they're gonna cover Tubeway Army's "You Are In My Vision."
SPOILER ----------------- They don't. ------------------- END SPOILER
5,643 Song EP - I hardly ever listen to vinyl, so there are albums I want to hear, but never buy. This was one of 'em. It's a bunch of songs on a bunch of tracks all played at the same time. It's all over the place and all awesome. It's like if Keith Moon exploded while drumming an Abruptum album. Y'know, instead of exploding in space after he was shot out of the hatch. Poor fella.
Split with Seven Minutes of Nausea - This is fuckin' tight. The recording is noisily awesome and the drumming is the best on any AxCx shit I've heard.
Live in Schwabisch Hall, Germany - "We're the Beatles." haha Pretty rad set with an unfortunate amount of mic noise puffing it. haha "Puffing it?" I know what I mean. Fuck you.
This is a really cool set for fans of Anal Cunt. You basically hear the same song 300 (probably more!) times, but whatever. If you buy it, you know what you're getting into. Plus, it'll save you from seeking out these records on eBay. Two and a quarter hours is probably too much to listen to in one sitting, but who cares. Pick up the cd and listen to it in ten sittings!
From what I've gathered from Relapse's download page, this release "includes liners penned by Putnam shortly before his passing, as well as an epilogue from original A.C. drummer Tim Morse, and more." MORE!! However, Relapse DOES NOT include scans of printed booklets in their promo material. Don't brag about the rad liner notes if you ARE NOT GOING TO INCLUDE THEM. I can't tell you how awesome the liners are, so I'm going to use this space to say do the digital thing right, you fuckin' assholes.
CD - Great! Buy it and play it for everyone on Thanksgiving. Then fuck the turkey carcass in front of grandma.
