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How To Make A Sex Movie Triple Feature

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    Ian Jane
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  • How To Make A Sex Movie Triple Feature



    Released by: After Hours Cinema
    Released on: November 29, 2011.
    Director: Various
    Cast: Various
    Year: Various

    The Movies:

    We here at R!S!P! believe that film can be an educational tool as well as an entertaining diversion from the trials of day to day life, so with that in mind, it only makes sense that we bring you a report on the After Hours Cinema triple feature release, the How To Make A Sex Movie Triple Feature. While on the service this may look like little more than a collection of vintage porno movies, horrible filth, all of it - delve a little deeper and you'll find that you can learn from these three movies. So let's do that, let's delve deep into these three educational features, so that we can better justify our obsession with low budget seventies fuck films to those who just don't get it or, worse, don't care.

    How To Make A Sex Movie:

    The first feature starts off with some awesome credits scrawled in chalk letting us know that this film was directed by Sven Christian, obviously some sort of exotic and multi talented European artiste and not a common New York City filth monger, no sir. From there we cut to an office with some swanky wood paneling. The fact that an empty film reel is nailed to the wall lets us know that the three hairy guys inside are filmmakers of the highest caliber, so it only makes sense that a bevy of beauties are willing to come in and take off their clothes. One of the men lets the ladies know that 'in these pictures we have a lot of fucking and sucking' and the girls pose for a few Polaroid's.

    From here, the guys audition the girls by having them fuck 'Bob,' a tall guy with a moustache who is supposedly going to be the leading man. The girls keep coming in, eventually there are five of them in the room, and everyone screws. From here we learn, courtesy of some narration from our filmmakers, what goes into making an adult movie as we watch some clips of their work. We learn the importance of 'up and down movements' when it comes to cunilingus and how facial expressions are important so that you can 'let him know you dig it.' The narration goes all over the place, from casual conversation about the various players (who are all off camera) to how to block different sexual acts. You get the impression that the filmmakers took a few loops, put some narration overtop, and shot an intro and outro to give all of this some context. One male participant has some crazy scar tissue or a birthmark of some sort on his nut sack and from the right angle he kind of looks like internationally recognized sex symbol Steve Buscemi. Some of the narrators have southern accents while others definitely have the Noo Yawk thing going on. A guy named Rock ejaculates a lot and most of the girls have a lot of pimples on their bum cheeks and it all ends with a bad folk song that plays overtop of a prolonged blowjob/missionary/cum shot scene that turns into an orgy.

    Lessons learned: It's important when making a movie with lots of fucking in it to keep your legs spread, and you can get girls into a creepy wood paneled office to take off their clothes and blow you by nailing an empty film reel to the wall.

    Hard Luck Pal:

    The second feature doesn't have any directorial credits but it's presented by JBP, for whatever that's worth. When it starts a couple are in bed waking up to greet the day, he's muttering film catch phrases in his sleep like 'cut' and 'print it' and she's horny. Once she's got his attention by giving him head, he tells his dick to 'speak to the young lady' but it doesn't. They screw for a bit and after he busts a nut he has to make a phone call. A cutaway makes this look like it was shot in California, but who knows. It turns out our stud is needed in the projection room at Hardon Productions where he works. We cut to that location and see a film producer he get head from a cute blonde co-worker. Being a business man, he reads through some paperwork while she sucks him off. At any rate, our hero soon shows up and the two guys talk about making hardcore movies and then make plans to do just that.

    From here, the blonde does a strip show and fingers herself a bit, then the two guys sign a contract and get to work. They waste no time getting the first production underway, and we watch two lesbians go at it for a bit. After that a blonde chick pees and then gets into some solo action with a vibrator before blowing some dude and then getting boned by him on a couch. She takes the knee high leather boots off too soon but otherwise looks pretty good here. After that, the cameras roll for a big orgy shot on the floor of a soundstage. It looks cold and dark and the director tells one girl not to go to sleep. From there it ends as it began, with the couple in bed screwing.

    Lessons learned: Penis' don't talk on command, at least not really early in the morning and it's important not to fall asleep during an orgy if you want to make it in the adult movie business.

    My First X-Rated Movie:

    The third and final feature begins with a guy in a room quizzing a pretty brunette about her sexual history. He asks her how long she's been fucking both males and females, how regularly she has relations - and she tells him two or three times a day, not always with the same person. We also learn that her favorite position varies depending on what mood she's in and that she enjoys eating the pussy of a female over giving a man head because a pussy is prettier and nicer. With that out of the way, she takes off that black top and those funky jeans, confirms to the guy she's never had a child, and then masturbates on the couch for him. From here we see her get in front of the camera with a male costar. They make out on a flower print couch while the director, off camera, yells things like 'action' over and over again. After dude uses a vibrator on her he ties her hands up and whips her ass before boning her.

    After that, it's time to find out if she was honest about her oral preference. A chick with a beehive haircut comes in and the two go at it on the same flower print couch. After some foreplay, our new starlet dives right in while some sitar music plays in the background. The girls go at it for a good long while and eventually move from the couch to the carpet, which looks like it's in need of a good steam cleaning. From there, two denim clad dudes come into the frame and a four-way busts out, the pillows from the couch now on the floor to provide some good props for the players who go at it with a good bit of enthusiasm, using that vibrator from earlier on. We're supposed to be seeing this through the eye of the camera but somehow the tripod winds up in front of the lens more than once? At any rate, it all ends just as you'd expect it to and after the director tells one of the guys to 'play with her boobies for a little bit' he yells CUT! It closes with a close up of the director explaining how we just saw various aspects of adult moviemaking and how the sound men and lighting personal have to do various things - but then it just cuts out, evidently the last minute or two are lost to the ravages of time.

    Lessons learned: A flower print couch is always a hotbed of sexual activity, it's important to play with a co-stars boobies a little bit, and you have to be careful with tripods as they will jump into the shot whenever the opportunity presents itself.

    Video/Audio/Extras:

    All three films are presented on one disc, the transfers are 1.33.1 fullframe across the board which appears to be the proper aspect ratio for each one of these movies. As far as the quality goes, there hasn't been a whole lot of restoration work done but they are taken from film prints. Look for plenty of nicks and scratches present throughout playback as well as color fading and heavy grain. Though interlaced, there aren't any compression artifacts or edge enhancement issues to note. A copyright notice appears to have been placed, digitally, on the title card of each of the three movies on this disc.

    The audio, which is English language Dolby Digital Mono across the board, is about on par with the video, and as such, it's a bit rough. The dialogue is pretty easy to follow and understand but there's hiss present here and there and quite a few audible pops in the mix. No alternate languages or subtitles are provided.

    Extras are limited to trailers for a few other releases from After Hours, and film selection. Honestly, though, as nice as it would have been to get interviews or commentaries for these movies, realistically that's just not gonna happen. The trailers are cool though.

    The Final Word:

    There are lessons to be learned from pornography as these films and this review so obviously indicate. Make sure you do your homework and check these three films out for yourself - there will be a test to see who has been paying attention and it will count towards your final grade. Class is dismissed.









































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