When a movie called Nude Nuns With Big Guns drops into your mailbox, you want to like it. You really do. After all, nude nuns are generally awesome, at least the hot ones are, and that girl there on the cover? She looks pretty good. And she’s got, as the title promises, a big gun. Unfortunately, somehow it all went horribly, horribly wrong along the way. What should have been a gleefully exploitative combination of sex and violence is… how do we put this… BORING. Maybe these nuns ought to go to confession to ask forgiveness for committing the gravest cinematic sin of all.
Directed by Joseph Guzman, the film follows a sexy nun named Sister Sarah (Asun Ortega) who takes her clothes off a lot and looks good doing it. On top of that, she used to be involved with some sort of drug cartel that was run by a priest named Chavo (David Castro) but decided wisely after a near death experience by way of copious amounts of drugs and some seedy hooking to leave that behind her and dedicate her life to the church. How does she do this? Basically by picking up a pair of revolvers (which aren’t really big guns) and using them to kill people she feels God tells her are evil. Who, might you ask, will she be turning her sites on then? Why, those very same drug peddlers she was once affiliated with.
Chock full of bad CGI gore effects (and why everyone shoot everyone else in the head in this movie? Doesn’t anyone get shot anywhere else? Is everyone in this movie a perfect marksman?) and way too unimpressive shoot outs that ape Woo and Tarantino but without any of their respective charm or talent, this movie is pretty much a complete failure. Yes, Ortega is often nude and yes, she looks way better than we probably do when she is nude but c’mon… there’s really no story here and the tits and gore aren’t good enough to make up for that.
-There’s no character development.
-Each scene is a bad cliché.
-The sense of humor behind all of this has gone mysteriously missing.
-Half the time the nudity is crammed into the storyline for no reason other than to have nudity and live up to the movie’s title.
-The film uses rape as an excuse to get characters nude but forgets to use said rape to further the plot.
-There’s no flow and very little style of any of this and the whole thing feels like a bad pre-adolescent attempt at aping filmmakers who have already copied some of the more interesting aspects of sixties and seventies cinema to further their own careers.
There’s nothing particularly wrong with ‘grindhouse homage’ if it’s done right but goddammit is it ever done wrong in this movie. You’d figure a movie called Nude Nuns With Big Guns would at least deliver some cheap fun. Cheap, yeah, it gets that part right, but where’s all the fun?
Nude Nuns With Big Guns looks alright in this AVC encoded 1.78.1 widescreen 1080p high definition transfer. Keep in mind that the image has been processed quite a bit, using sepia tones and high contrast filters to get some sort of faux-grindhouse atmosphere out of what is quite obviously a modern, shot on video picture. It doesn’t work all that well, but detail is alright and there aren’t any detrimental authoring issues to complain about. This isn’t the upper echelon of what Blu-ray can offer but it looks fine.
The only audio option on the disc is an English language DTS-HD 5.1 Master Audio track that you’ll immediately notice is much quieter than the menu or the extras for whatever reason. You’ll need to turn this one up quite a bit to compensate for that once it starts and even when you do, be prepared for a few other anomalies, the most obvious being some fairly muffled sounding dialogue. There are occasional moments where the rear channels kick in but they never hit with much power and this isn’t nearly as immersive a mix as you might have hoped for – generally the audio is pretty awful here, really. And where did the bass go?
There isn’t much in the way of extra material here. Outside of the high definition trailer for the feature, Image has also included a five minute standard definition short film that replays a key scene from the feature with a few different cast members.
The Final Word:
Rarely is a movie so sleazy and full of lovely female nudity as flat out boring and painfully bad as Nude Nuns With Big Guns. Add to that the fact that the audio on this disc is completely buggered up and, well… move long, nothing to see here. Don’t waste your time with this one.