John Holmes Rare Films (Grindhouse Collection)

Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: 1/31/2012
Director: not known
Cast: John Holmes and a cast of unrecognizable people
Year: early 1970s
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The Movie:
Building on their “Grindhouse Collection” label, After Hours Cinema crams four movies featuring the rubbery-penised porno icon on two discs. John Holmes really shows his acting range in four entirely (not really) different films with clever (not at all) stories.


Four Women In Trouble (54:34)
Some ladies have promiscuous sex and get themselves into trouble in what seems to be an attempt at making an “educational” film about the risks of unprotected, random sex. This can be surmised by the brief narration at the beginning that talks about girls going to illegal abortionists. But they don't try much harder than that to get their “message” across. One girl reveals to a friend that she done gone and got herself pregnant and doesn't know what to do. Her good friend tells her something she's never told her before: for years she's worked for an abortionist. How a friend's occupation never comes up in a conversation is a real mystery, but apparently these two ladies don't talk about anything of substance, until now. The friend suggests Miss Knocked-Up pay the clinic a visit, which she does.

Guess who the doctor/abortionist is? Yes, that's right, the man of the hour himself, John Holmes with his third arm. He wastes no time in giving these poor young ladies who made bad decisions the help they need. The totally nude patients lay down on a table in a room sterilized by cigarettes and Johnny gives them the probe. Once he starts, these ladies get the royal treatment and he plows the fetus right out of them. Well, not really, but no other instruments other than his jumbo dog ever go near their privates.

Not much to this one but a bunch of straight up fucking, and with just one money shot at the end. It's really pretty shitty, without any overly horrible dialogue. But there are a brief few shots of Hollywood (very brief) that may hold some interest. Other than that, not a whole lot going for this one.








Hollywood Merry-Go-Round (43:37)
Mr. Holmes sort of narrates this one. He produces movies, ever since he caught the bug when watching an orgy movie at a friend's house. What he's really talking about is probably unimportant, but what is important is that at the 19:10 mark a party takes place that lasts for thirteen minutes, nine of which are one take, which is a single wide shot of the room and its occupants getting down and grooving. Pot smoke wafts around the room, funky-ass music is playing, lights are flashing, and everyone is dancing and removing clothing. The crowd is totally getting down with the tunes. Bodies start bumpin' and fluids start a-swappin'. It's a fly-on-the-wall eyeful of a swinger's party, and it's real swank.

Now we get to the story, finally. John gets to work on his next movie's set, with Jim Henson as the set photographer. “…Let's see if we can get this in one take…make it look good, make it look hot…” he tells the actors. Apparently it was TOO hot because John strips while watching the action, and for a little comic relief, he mugs for the camera. He yells “CUT!” after he can contain his trouser snake no longer. But it's not the female that's turning him on, and walks off the set with the male acting in the scene, They leave holding each other's naked asses.

There're few good things here. The party/orgy scene was simply plain fun to watch. People just dancing, porking, and dancing. From this partner to that one, taking a hit of some weed and cutting a rug. Johnny watching the action on his movie set is plain goofy. And the music in this one is rad as can be. Not a pop shot to be seen, and none of the sex is all that hot, but it's a fun way to waste 45 minutes. If nothing else, fast forward to the party scene and give it watch.








High Fashion Models (56:32)
A young lady is about to audition for a modeling job (guess who's doing the hiring?) and so she tells her boyfriend (with his Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man knife tattoo) to “wish her luck”. He tells her he'll give her more than luck and gives something that rhymes with luck. Twenty-three ski-doo music helps to not at all set the mood. Afterwards she tells him “I'll knock 'em dead.” Yes you will…with cum dripping off your thigh.

Meanwhile ol' John-Jon Holmes is talking with his partner about some models and she decides this would be a good time to clean his pipes. “You've got the biggest cock I've ever seen. How do you do it?” she asks him. “Must be those vitamin E shots”. If that were true vitamin E would cost more than European white truffles. After he bones her completely its on to the interviews. Oh hey, there's bars on the windows…what's that's all about? Probably nothing.

Ok so there no real interview. But Johnny's partner does have some lesbo smooching in mind with one of the three potential models. John gets it on with one of the other potentials and the leaves the one who was going to known 'em dead by her lonesome. Locked in her room lonesome, that is. And the other girls get locked in their rooms as well. Then a phone call is made and a $10,000 price per girl is the offer made to Garcia. What a minute…it's a white slavery ring! An attempted escape by one of the girls results in a punishment shared by all three. After belting one of them across the face, he forces them to have an orgy with each other. Hopefully the tattoo guy can save the day.

Holmes is trying to do an English accent its pretty funny. Plus the dialogue is amusing. The sex isn't very erotic, and theirs way too much gooch action. But, it's cheap 70s porn that produced at a time when money shots could get you in trouble with the law in some states, so its got that backroom vibe to it. Holmes is young and incredibly skinny and he's sporting that weird kinky hair part to the side. But his accent…best part of the movie. Memorable? Not really. But it helps add some value to the set.






Double Exposure (47:59)
The first thing that Double Exposure has in common with High Fashion Models is the opening shot to Exposure, which is used as establishing shot in Fashion. The second thing in common is John Holmes. And then the third thing is the fucking part. Holmes plays a shutter bug who gets too involved in his nude photography work, and plows the models (his first lady has labia that resembles a tomcat's scrotum). Part of his photography venture involves taking pictures of his encounters via a self-timer (and he somehow manages to get different angles from a stationary camera on a tripod) and selling them to an older guy. Thank God you don't have to watch him have sex. Oops, never mind. You get to see him have sex. Fast forward and its on to another photo shoot with Droopy.

Then the plot thickens. The older guy gets Johnny a male model in the studio and the photo nut does a shoot with him and a chick in a softcore shoot. John leaves them alone for a bit, and guess what they do. No! He rapes her! And she's crying the whole time. Not cool. John pays him and then kicks him out. The rapist was captured on film, sees the photos, and turns them into the cops. The cops arrest John and the old fart for running a pornography ring and the movie ends. Seems the producers ran out of the lunch money someone gave them to make this movie. As bad as it is, still, it's a piece of cinema history (well, perhaps store front theater history) and now it can be witnessed by all who feel the need top bear witness to bad smut.







Video/Audio/Extras:
1:33:1 Full Screen presentation on all. Per usual with films of this nature, the reportedly only surviving prints they used look abused to near death, with tons of shit and debris, plus no shortage of green vertical lines. Sometimes you have to wonder if this is an effect added by After Hours, as all the “grindhouse” smut they release seems to look the same. At any rate, no authoring issues to note, and there's not much to say other than these look exactly how most people interested in this stuff expect it to look: crappy. And the 2.0 channel (mono) audio sounds like the video looks: crappy. It probably isn't a shot in the dark to say the music, and most probably extra sound effects, have been added by the disc producer, as they have an identifiably different amplitude to them. But if you're even remotely interested in lost John Holmes movies, you probably don't give a flying fuck about how the A/V quality is. At least you shouldn't. No extras to mention, not even some trailers, but you do get four movies. You can hopefully live with that.

The Final Word:
The movies in this set don't really amount much on the boner scale, and they don't produce a whole lot of laughs for the party crowds either. It's tough to recommend this one as a “must have”, but it's good to have any arcade loops, magazine ad movies, and store front theater movies preserved as best as they can be, even if the sounds aren't entirely true to the original. And the box copy boasts these to be unreleased, and if that claim is a true one, then even better.