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Released By: 20th Century Fox
Released On: 03/06/2012
Director: Tarsem Singh
Cast: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke
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The Film:
As a resident film nerd, the number one question I get asked is, “Why do you have such a hate-on for CGI (Computer Generated Imagery)? When I answer the question, I usually get a blank look, because my opinion on CGI-heavy films runs counter to most people's opinion on what makes modern films “goodâ€. Wherever I go, whoever I talk to, there's always a good number of fans of crap like Transformers and 300, and anything else that has “jaw-dropping special effectsâ€. I am not against “jaw-dropping special effectsâ€. I do not think that CGI is a talentless art; I realize that a lot of work goes into some of these effect-laden epic monstrosities. And I think that it has a place in film, when used tastefully. My aversion to CGI comes from the fact that it has made filmmakers lazy. You have a lame story? Put in some CGI. These actors suck? Put in some CGI. New Orleans gives you a tax break for filming, but there's nothing fun to look at? Put in some CGI. It's not even that CGI makes the filmmakers lazy, it's that it's becoming the definition of what makes a good movie. Want proof? Take a half-baked screenplay, put two lousy actors front and centre, and spend 200 million dollars on robots turning into stuff in the background, and it'll make 150 million in its first weekend. Can't direct an action scene to save your life? Run your scene through Avid DV, tint the hell out of it, super-slow mo and then speed it up here and there throughout the fight scenes, and people will talk about it like it should win Oscars for the next 25 years.
Which brings us to Immortals. "From the Producers of 300", the story takes place after the Greek Gods vave banished the Titans to their eternal prison, a stone cube that resembles a foosball table. But during the battle, a weapon was lost, the infamous Bow of Epirus, which allows its handler to fire magical arrows that can hit targets from miles away. Unfortunately for the Gods, King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) is not very happy about his wife and children being killed, and decides that the bow is just what he needs to take his revenge; and that it won't hurt to release the Titans, either.
Unfortunately for Hyperion, his reign of terror in the attempt to find the bow results in the death of the mother of Theseus, who gets angry enough that he decides to take on Hyperion no matter what the cost. He teams up with some other folks, including an Oracle who can see things that don't really matter in the grand scheme of things, and it doesn't hurt that he has Zeus on his side, in the form of an old man. With the Gods promising not to intervene unless the Titans are released, one wonders why the humans don't just let Hyperion release the Titans and watch safely from the sidelines, but this one isn't going to win any awards for logic.
Immortals is not the worst film I've ever seen, but it comes pretty damned close. The writing is soooo bad, it most definitely emphasizes the points made earlier about lazy filmmaking. Glaring plot holes and other inconsistencies riddle the film, making the viewer wonder if the screenwriters did anything other than reference a greek myth and decide to add some flash to it. The acting is horrible, despite the presence of some first-rate talent, namely Mickey Rourke, William Hurt, and Stephen Dorff…a visit to the supplemental features shows why. Director (if you can call him that) Tarsem Singh has basically staged every single shot in front of a set that would make most high school drama students laugh at the amateur build quality, or (you guessed it) a green screen. Vincent Price once joked about looking out on an empty set during The Ten Commandments and addressing what was supposed to be a massive city…but this is not The Ten Commandments. If you need further proof of lazy filmmaking, just check out the huge continuity errors. Tarsem Singh (noted for The Cell) has basically said that he was interested in making a comic strip on film, but what he's done is create a video game, with so much emphasis on graphics that everything else falls by the wayside. The computer graphics in this movie make 300 look like a masterpiece of writing and acting. Further examination of the extra features proves more laziness…the costumes are of lower quality than what could be found on the sets of The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. And why bother with quality costumes? You can digitally fix it in the mix! Immortals is a piece of overproduced, under-thought garbage.
Video/Audio/Extras:
Immortals comes to blu-ray in a transfer that looks decent, but why shouldn't it? Everything was done on computer. There aren't really any glitches to speak of, because they were all done on a computer and probably overproduced before they even hit final editing. Blacks aren't solid, because everything is run though that sepia filter in Avid, by the looks of things. The 5.1 DTS-HD MA soundtrack sounds okay, with a lot of bass and separation and stuff. But who cares? This movie sucks. But at least people can talk about how awesome this movie is when it makes their speakers, especially the subwoofer, rumble and shake the room! Oooo, awesome, all 5.1 speakers are making noise! Must be a great movie, because it's so loud and filled with so many clanging sounds of swords hitting each other! I love it!
It's no Myth is the first extra feature up. It runs about 5 and a half minutes, and talks about the origin of the myths in the film.
Caravaggio Meets Fight Club: Tarem's Vision, is a 20-minute feature that talks about Director Tarem Singh's vision. Truth? He doesn't have one that means anything. He wants everyone to admire his comic-book come to life. He'll talk about comic strips and how much he wants them to appear on film. You'll realize how little work went into this before the CGI guys got their hands on it, and also be amazed at how little a director has to do when a film involves this much computer work. Tarsem Sing directs two actors in front of a green cloth. Everyone talks about how amazing the computer graphics are, especially the writers. Of course they do. The computers take away from how little work they actually did.
Immortals: Gods and Heroes is a comic book. Much like this entire movie. You won't be able to read it on a 42†screen. You'll need something bigger, or a zoom function.
If you are really in need of more punishment, check out the almost 25 minutes of alternate openings, 2 alternate endings, and deleted scenes.
Rounding out the disc are a Trailer, and 3 previews.
The Final Word:
This movie is a sad sack of an excuse for spending a whole lot of money. One can only hope that it doesn't go over well, but fanboys all over the net are already talking about how amazing the sound is, and how great it looks, because it reminds them of how much skin they chaffed watching 300. Surely there are people who love it…the same people who loved other movies that cost 600 Million dollars. Me? Not a fan.
