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Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: 1/31/2012
Director: various
Cast: various
Year: various
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The Movie:
Hard Action (1 hour)
A policeman is giving his daughters some crap about how they look before they go to school. Why, he ought to bust 'em for looking like hookers, he tells them. His wife lets him know someone got out of jail that he sent up the river, so he could come causing trouble. Hubby isn't too worried about it and proves it to the missus by 69'n with her with the kids in the other room. Then it's off to work, after a little more asshole-dad action to the kids. Mom is still in the other room and decides now would be a great time to fuck her self with a dildo to the sounds of some psychedelic rock. Suddenly a mustachioed man enters the apartment and boinks the mother. Not rape her; just screw her while wearing block socks and a rimmed hat. She's a willing participant, and to make it convincing to the girls outside the door she yells “Rape!†once in a while. “Slap the ol' jaw around it, that a girl!†he says. “You're a winner baby! You're a real winner! Haw Haw!â€â€¦this guy is awesome. And it so happens he's the recently released convict and he has a score to settle. Kidnapping the girls, he takes them away in his car to a warehouse, getting his knob polished on the way. His plans for them? Rape. Well, not really, as these girls are definitely their mother's daughters. All three of them get it on, the parents find them in the warehouse in the act, and an orgy between mother, father, daughters, and bad guy ensues in a full-on incest smorgasbord. Full of ugly sex, funky music, terrible acting, and no story. This one would be completely forgettable if not for the dope in the moustache. He has some great lines. A total fruitcake.
Harry Hard: Private Dick (51 minutes)
Harry Hard is a beer-gutted private detective, and he's taking his toughest case ever…someone is making threatening phone calls to Hazel. Who could it be? The butler? The doctor? The nurse? No it's none of these. In fact it's some guy we never meet until the very end during the film's big fight scene, which lasts about 2 seconds. But in that single moment we are treated to some amazingly inept fight choreography. This porno makes very little sense, even with the narration that brings so much to the story, such as “I looked at my watch.†After Harry asks the butler (?) where he was last night, he goes to the doctor's office to pose the hard-hitting question to the good, naked doctor. Harry asks some questions like “where were you last nightâ€. The doctor is obviously nervous due to Harry's intense interrogation, so he hits on him.
Doctor: Would you like a quick physical? They're on sale this week
Harry Hard: Doctors don't have sales.
Doctor: They don't?
Harry Hard: No thanks.
….and scene. John Holmes shows up for a romp with Hazel that has nothing to do with the movie. Maybe he's the one making those threatening phone calls. Nope. He never shows up again. So that butler, what's the deal with him anyway? A butler in what looks like an apartment building? He talks about balling chicks, but wears a pro-gay button…maybe he's making the calls. Nope. He shows up dead and naked with a hammer shoved in his butt. Hazel and Harry talk about the tragedy in a way that makes no sense. Maybe Harry forgot his lines.
Hazel: I guess he won't be coming up to my place anymore, my room
Harry Hard: He won't be coming up anymore, anyway.
Hazel: Very grizzly. Yech.
Harry Hard: Grrrrrr…I'm a grizzly bear.
This movie is absolutely dumb, but it's entertaining. There are some attempts at humor that flop and some seemingly unintentional bits of humor that make it so fun. There's some lesbianism in the mix, a range in dick sizes (Holmes' rubbery monster and Harry Hard's tiny little member), and plenty of dumb dialogue. And the director even gets clever with the phone calls. When the caller strikes, his shadow is seen on the wall behind the person on the phone, as if he was in the same room. Oh wait he was. Nevermind. Not so clever then.
The Dick and I (48 minutes)
A woman hires a private eye to follow her husband to see if he's cheating on her. The man goes from hotel to hotel screwing random women. The suspecting wife throws a party and invites the Dick over, and the husband makes him right away as a cop (even though he's not a cop). Hubby gives Dick a drink, which is laced with some hallucinogenic, but it doesn't matter to the “story†at all. Anyway, Dick has the photos for the wife, and she has all the evidence she needs to get a divorce. The end. Seriously, that's all this one is. Half the movie is the husband jumping from hotel to hotel. Then the acid trip takes up some serious running time, followed by a sex scene with the Dick and the wife. This one wasn't fun at all.
Video/Audio/Extras:
As can be expected After Hours Grindhouse series films, the video quality is from poor to shitty. Green lines, spots, dirt…all adding to the charm these movies tend to have. All three movies have a 1.33:1 aspect ratio. The audio is on par with the video: serviceable. That's really all there is to say. Looks and sounds like crap, and we wouldn't want these movies any other way. All three movies can be watched back to back with After Hours' “Grind It†feature, which throws trailers in before, after, and in-between the three features. The films can also be watched separately, as can the trailers.
The Final Word:
Harry Hard wins this one hands down and Hard Action is a fun watch. Not the best entry in the “Grindhouse Triple Feature†series, but it certainly has merit if you like wonky 70s porn that lacks eroticism but delivers laughs.
