John Holmes: Biggest and Best (Grindhouse Collection)

Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: 5/15/2012
Director: various unnamed hacks
Cast: John Holmes, chicks and various unnamed sacks
Year: 1970s

The Movies:
After Hours plops out another installment to their “Grindhouse Collection” line, this time around starring none other than late, great John Holmes and his conjoined twin. These four stinkers feature the famous duo doing exactly what they do in any other John Holmes movie: ruining women for every other man in the land.

Strangers When We Mate (56:30) John is joined by a number of swinging singles to a sex retreat at the home of Doctor Horace Freud. “Complete sexual freedom” is what the world's worst faux German-accented narrator informs us they are after, and within four minutes the uglies start bumping. Fifty minutes later it abruptly ends. That's about the extent of this one: half a dozen people switching partners. Watch Johnny get his rocks off and smoke while he is doing so.





My Tongue is Quick (51:56) Private Dick Johnny Not-Wadd narrates the one as Nicky Butane (“ain't that a gas?”…yes, he says that), owner of a stud service that caters to bored, rich women and who runs his business using a toy phone and his Sex Ray Telescope (aka kaleidoscope). He takes on all sorts of clientele, including one simply known as “Superstar” (don't look at the camera, Superstar). After some awkward ad-libbing and awkward silence, the pumping begins. With Nicky Butane in one room, and his #1 employee James Blonde in the other, five people get their rocks off. Later, Nicky needs to keep tabs on the new guy, Thunder Balls, by using his Sex Ray Telescope to look through the walls. Thunder Balls just couldn't satisfy Superstar, so John has to seal the deal. And I'll go out on a limb here and say this is probably the only film where John got head from a rubber alligator named Jack. Huh…never seen that before. Sadly we never get to learn if Thunder Balls overcame his personal hurdles because this one just abruptly ends. Still, it's the most entertaining of the bunch on this collection.






Lady's Bed Companions (49:42) Sideburns has to go away on business again and his old lady isn't happy about it. She's lonely and wants him to get another job. Good ol' John shows up as a sex toy salesman. She's number than a box of rocks and has no idea what a dildo or vibrator so she needs a full demonstration. She strips down for John, who after all is a professional and this is part of his job, and the demonstration begins. The Slippery Six (their most popular model) is of interest to her, so John does was any diligent entrepreneur would do and he fucks her with it. And then of course they pork. She's so pleased with his wares that she invites him back the next day some of her friends, and to help him out with such a big demonstration he brings along some buddies. It's ware-cramming time in the for of an orgy, which is the rest of the running time. A little direction for the guy making the porno, as he tells Cathy not to look into the camera (heh heh!), really ads to the authenticity of the story. Hey! It's that dude with the banana-knife thing tattoo! Who is that guy?!




Big Johnny's Sex Stories (41:05) Is this one even a real movie? It's clips from a bunch of other movies (including one from My Tongue Is Quick from this very disc) with narration from what seems to be Holmes. Sounds like him. The clips span over the 70s, from John looking pretty young and clean-cut, to sporting the Doug Henning look (you know…that magician). Easily the weakest in the batch, it's pretty useless. Skipping this one probably won't cause anguish.



Video/Audio/Extras:
As with the other After Hours discs from the Grindhouse Collection series, the film is beat up looking and cruddy. All the titles have a copyright that say “enhanced version”, whatever that means. Adding dirt and damage digitally? Maybe. Probably adding music too. But people don't come looking for high definition quality when putting one of these discs into the player, so it really doesn't matter does it? The movies are perfectly watchable and the audio is fine. Pops, scratches, jump cuts, missing frames…all the stuff that contribute to the fun of the collections.

Extras (if you need any) include a number of trailers for other product from the label, and there is a play all option for those. And with many collections in the series, you can play all the films and trailers in marathon form via the “Grind It” feature.


The Final Word:
Big dumb fun from a guy with a big dumb penis. There's nothing here worth getting to excited for, and besides Holmes the other humpers are not known to this viewer. But its good fun in that awful 70s smut sort of way and its interesting to see Holmes when he actually seemed to enjoy what he was doing.