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Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: 5/22/2012
Director: Who knows?
Cast: Hairy People
Year: The Swingin' Seventies
Purchase from Amazon
The Movie:
After Hours brings to the fans another batch of bad pornos in a seemingly endless catalog of bad pornos. And the chick on the disc menu isn't in either movie.
Sex Before Marriage (1 hr, 14 min)
A young couple decides to grab a quickie on the kitchen table before the girl's mother gets home. “Drink it, drink it!†he tells her. And she does. Won't it be great once they're married and he can bone her all the time? It sure will. He manages to make his delivery before mother comes home and then it's a bad cut to the guy with his piece of shit car failing him. What rotten luck that his car breaks down on their wedding day. After a really crappy phone call with his old lady, he decides to set out and walk to the nearest service station. In his best wedding day tank top he strikes up some conversation with a Good Samaritan who shows him a short cut to the repair shop through the woods, and he of course bones her. “Let me fuck your mouth†her tells the chubby lady, “Beautifully done.†This guy's a true romantic.
With that out of the way, its back to the car, where he impulsively sells it for a couple hundred bucks. The buyer's money is at his place just a block away, so hubby-to-be follows him and waits on the front steps. The buyer takes too long, since he gets a piece from the old lady before getting the bread, and then it turns out he doesn't have it. But hey go wait inside with the dude's wife while the buyer goes and gets the cash. And guess what the tank-top groom and the car buyer's wife do….â€I can't, I'm getting' married todayâ€, but he does. Suddenly it's a footrace down a dirt road with what looks like an underage girl and definitely NOT the guy getting married. Lots of running followed by a very hairy-assed porking with what is suddenly four people. An orgy ensues. And then suddenly its back to the groom. No clue what the fuck the four people screwing in the woods was all about. Anyhow, he's three hours late for his wedding as he informs the couple who picks him up. They go drink beer and ball in the back of a truck. “Come on…if yer gonna get married yer gonna have find out that sex and beer is where its at.†Wiser words have never been spoken. He splits that scene and goes to visit is soon-to-be sister-in-law and porks her. The two decide to get married. The fucking end.
The Freudian Thing (1 hr, 20 min)
What better way to eat pussy than with a straw? Relax and watch two lesbos make up dialogue as one gets abused with a straw and tongue, at extreme close-up, for a whole ten minutes. Time to stop, Diane needs to go to school. No really, she needs to go to school. She's going to be late. Diane, go to school or you'll flunk English. Finally she puts her tongue away and it's off to school. Jim, the new next door neighbor stops by wearing Kevin DuBrow's pants, delivers some clunky lines, and he gets busy with whoever that chick is that Diane couldn't keep her straw out of. The two engage in casual dialogue while they play around (don't look at the camera, baby).
Jim goes back across the way, home to Linda…they do it. He answers her question “were you out cheating on me?†the way any man would answer, no matter what. NO. Next Diane comes back to the bed- er, the apartment, and has some dude with her, apparently a gigolo. Sex ensues. He's better than her girlfriend Betty (the plot thickens). Betty shows up and it's an ugly 3-way. Nope wait, a FIVEsome…Jim and Linda just showed up. GOOD movie…new characters get their chance to shine (slime) but all that happens thought the whole movie is fucking and sucking. No character development, no plot twists, no brains. Oh yeah, it's porn. Well it delivers on that front at least. It's just kind of boring.
Neither movie is very noteworthy, although adlibbed porn dialogue by people with no business trying to make casual conversation sound remotely natural can get pretty funny. Sharp eyes (meaning if you're looking for something in either of these movies to mention in a review) will note the similar cinematography between the two films. It's quite possible the same cameraman was used for both features, or even an even more un-amazing thought is that one camera stole a shot from another (see below).
Video/Audio/Extras:
These movies are beat up, scratched, dirty, incomplete, and look exactly like what you would expect from the After Hours “Grindhouse†series. They look and sound cruddy, but they're totally watchable and more fun because of their condition. You know what you're getting into with this series and things are right on par with the way they usually are. For extras, some trailers for other product by the disc label can be watched separately or with a “Play All†option.
The Final Word:
The typical no-budget signs are all here making it fun and awful porn, and not necessarily erotic porn. Sure, a nut could be busted if desperation was there, but for the most part this is play-in-the-background movie party stuff.
