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Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: February 19, 2013.
Director: NA/NA/Modunk Phreezer
Cast: Barbara Mills, John Holmes, Sandy Dempsey, Susan Wescott
Year: 1970/1970/1970
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The Movies:
After Hours Cinema brings together three devilishly themed soft core quickies relating to sex and Satanism - all three apparently made in 1970! In typical Grindhouse Collection fashion, these haven't been restored to any sort of former glory and are more or less presented as is, but here they are regardless, so without further ado…
Madam Satan:
The first film on the disc doesn't really have a whole lot of plot to it, but the basic story tells us of a woman who is connected with a strange group of people who enjoy group sex - a cult of some sort. She gets involved in some sort of scam to impersonate Lola Fontaine with a guy named Jim to contact some guy's dead sister and score some cash. Eventually they wind upat a house with some orgy types and a hot chick in a vampiric bikini. As it would turn out, the male leader of this group actually may or may not be the devil himself, but what is for certain is that he should keep his pants on because his flabby ass gets way too much screen time. Later some dude gets chained up and some chicks make out while jazz bebops away on the soundtrack.
A few arcane rites are shown on camera and about as convincing as you'd expect they would be in a no budget quickies like this. Also worth noting is that although the box and the IMDB both list this movie as Madame Satan, the film's title is actually spelled wrong in the opening credits and appears as Madam Satan. Just a bit of fascinating trivia for you there, it might come in handy if you're ever on Jeopardy. Susan Westcott and Barbara Mills are both identifiable in the cast and the inclusion of some kinky costumes, wicked whips and cool ass candles in the proceedings do help to give this one a bit more intrigue than it might have had otherwise.
At an hour in length, it's poorly shot and was staged on the most minimalist of sets, but it's goofy enough that there is some guilty pleasure to be found here and at fifty-eight minutes it doesn't overstay its welcome.
Sex And The Single Vampire:
Up next is a John Holmes vehicle directed by the mysterious Modunk Phreezer. When the movie begins, Count Spatula (Holmes) rises from his coffin where he's been resting for God only knows how long. Decked out like he just spent a cool ten bones at Bela Lugosi's garage sale, he screams at the sight of a little mouse before heading to the kitchen where he hopes to enjoy a cool drink of blood - but no dice! He's out.
Luckily for the count, before you know it a half dozen or so swinging peeps (one of whom is recognizable as Sandy Dempsey) show up at his door hoping to use his haunted house as a launch pad for an evening of sexual depravity! It turns out that the leader of this group of horny explorers is actually the count's nephew who is well aware of the fact that his uncle is a bloodsucking vampire. From here the group splits up, different characters wandering around the house and fucking each other in various rooms and then eventually all getting back together for the inevitable orgy scene. While all of this is going on, Count Spatula is watching and getting hornier by the second. After he accidently electrocutes himself at the fuse box, he decides his nephew would make a good snack and then he bones four of the chicks. Oh and at one point the count paints. The end.
Holmes looks ridiculous skulking around in vampire garb, handling the jokes in the movie with some of the worse comedic timing you're ever likely to see. The gags fall so flat and so hard that this completely unfunny movie somehow winds up as actually pretty damn funny, though it's unlikely that the filmmakers figured the hilarity in their feature would be of the unintentional variety. It's cool to see Sandy Dempsey pop up here and while the movie is as predictable as it is goofy, it's hard not to at least giggle a little bit at all of this. It's stupid, but at least it's amusing. The version of the movie on this disc runs just a few seconds shy of fifty-four minutes. The score on this film is credited to Sigfried Von Wanghunt and the key grip on the movie is one F. I. Hadahammer.
Devil's Handmaidens:
Last but not least we have Devil's Handmaidens which follows, um… the Devil as he seemingly aimlessly wanders around an art fair or some sort looking for horny suckers willing to trade their souls for a quick sexual fix. He meets up with one of those bored chicks so common in sexploitation and porno movies and after making a quick deal with the Prince Of Darkness, a guy with awesome sideburns appears to please her, as guys with awesome sideburns are apt to do - but not before she plays the piano for a minute. They make out and she sports some fancy white lingerie.
From there we meet a guy named Jim (Rick Cassidy) who is having some problems with his libido not really working the way that he wants it to. As you would expect, he too makes a deal with Satan and after offering up his soul in return, he magically winds up on a waterbed with two hot chicks who love smoking doobie almost as much as they love lesbian sex. Then a chick who writes in her diary thinks out loud about selling her soul to the devil. Who should appear but Satan who gives her what she wants. From there we bear witness to an energetic make out session with Mr. Sideburns in a grubby apartment decorated with a giant poster of a creepy kid. Thankfully for Jim, however, his girlfriend shows up and they confront the devil and smack him upside the head with some information he does not want to hear - true love conquers all! Satan laughs that off and wanders back into the woods as the two of them have sex near a serene and peaceful river and then go skinny dipping… and that's it.
This one is really short, clocking in at just over thirty-six minutes in length. Released by Something Weird Video under its better known title of The Lucifers, this one is saved by the guy who plays the devil. Running around in a black cloak with his face painted half white and half red, this guy is obviously having a blast playing the villain. He laughs manically and passionately throughout the movie and definitely gives this role his all. As far as the actual sex in the movie goes, it's fairly mechanical though the three way that Cassidy finds himself in is fun to watch. This isn't well shot or all that imaginative but the scenes in which the devil wanders around the art fair are fucking weird and the bizarro-factor that this particular character lends the movie counts for enough to make this worth a watch. So long as you don't mind bottom of the barrel softcore, the kind that looks like it was shot hardcore and then trimmed (the Something Weird version was also softcore).
This cut differs from the SWV version - the opening on this version shows Satan wandering the art fair and has a title card, the SWV cuts right to Satan talking to the hippy chick. Also, the SWV includes a scene after the girl with the diary talks to Satan where she gets boned to a scene where Satan talks to the couple in the room with the kid - some of that is missing from this cut, it goes from the girl with the diary talking to Satan to the appearance of her man, then a big ol' splice shows up and we go right to the Satan talking to the girl before the couple start fucking in the room with the creepy kid poster.
Video/Audio/Extras:
Each of the movies is presented fullframe, which is how they were shot and how they are meant to be seen, and taken from original film prints. How does the picture quality stack up? Reasonably well, actually - so long as you know what to expect. There's plenty of scratches and age related debris to get worked up over if you're into that type of thing but the discs are well authored and don't show any compression problems. While this won't win any awards for video quality, they're all perfectly watchable for what they are, just be realistic about the kind of condition these movies are going to be in.
All three films get Dolby Digital Mono soundtracks, in English and without any optional language options or subtitles provided. Clarity of each mix is fine. There are some scenes that sound a bit flat but that's obviously to do with the original recording. The scores sound good here and the levels are properly balanced. Any hiss or distortion that does creep into the mix is minor and not particularly distracting while the dialogue is consistently easy to understand and follow.
Aside from a static menu offering chapter selection, there are no extras on this DVD outside of a few trailers for other After Hours dirty movie collections.
The Final Word:
These are pretty goofy movies but if you're in the right frame of mind they're enteratining enough. The presentation isn't going to win any awards but they're all watchable enough. Essential? Nah, probably not, but quirky and goofy and strange enough that cult movie fans ought to get a kick out of this stuff.
