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Meatmen, The - Savage Sagas From The Meatmen

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    Ian Jane
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  • Meatmen, The - Savage Sagas From The Meatmen

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    Meatmen, The - Savage Sagas From The Meatmen
    Released by: Self Destructo Records
    Releasing on: May 27th, 2014.
    Purchase From Amazon

    The first album of new, original material from The Meatmen in almost twenty-years and the long running band's debut for Self Destructo Records, Savage Sagas From The Meatmen finds frontman Tesco Vee backed by Danny Dirtbag on bass and vocals, Hindu Kush on guitar and vocals and Swarthy 'Bun Length' Franklin on drums. Though it's been a dog's age since we've had any new music from the band and the chance that this effort, funded through a Kickstarter campaign, could have sucked and sucked hard, thankfully this album is actually really good. It's almost like they never left us (and as they've continued to tour over the years, technically they haven't). Tesco's penchant for filthy, funny and blatantly offensive lyrics remains as strong as ever and the new recruits backing him this time around prove to be a solid set of players.

    The album kicks off with Men O'Meat, a fifty-five second blast of rowdy punk that introduces the band and sets the album off on all the right paths. From there, the track segues into Dinosaur, which is basically a fast and loud little ditty that Tesco wrote about… being Tesco. It's about having been in the punk rock scene for a long time. 'I'm a crotchety fuck, still telling you that you suck' - yep. That sounds about right for Tesco and company. At one second shy of the three minute mark it's a great song and Tesco's growly vocals are in fine form here, particularly once the track slows down for him to lay it on thick towards the end of the song. There's a good guitar solo here too.

    I'm Gonna Fuck You Up is probably the catchiest song on the album. It's a top quality Tesco rant in musical form, the kind that allows him to take aim at slow old drivers, Wal-Mart shoppers, Baptists, lousy opening bands, The Tea Party and other completely worthy targets. It's also insanely fast, probably the fastest track on the album. This one will definitely go over well live. Pissed Hot For Weed is a track about… pot. It's about the reasons to smoke it and to legalize it. It's catchy as Hell, not as fast as the last track but that's okay, it still goes at a good pace. Guitars are way up front here, it's got a pretty great riff behind it. This leads into Death Rig 9000 in which everyone's favorite lead vocalist sings in character as a doped up truck driver on a rampage. 'I'm a gear jamming, foot slammin-stinkbag prick.' Poetry! This one is more of a straight out rock n roll track than hardcore, but it's solid. It fits well here.

    Anna Moose starts off with some spoken word goofiness that winds up with Anna Moose threatening to kill the guys. From there they bust into a catchy track about a 'big fat epileptic moose' who is on the loose. It's sexist and derogatory and stupid in the grand Meatmen tradition. KKK is next, and what you might think is about the clan actually proves to be about Killing Kunt Kolter. It's a track about wanting to chop the head off of everyone's favorite horse faced right wing shit machine. 'Fill her clam with cherry bombs.' Yeahhhhh. Rad.

    The Ballad Of Stinky Penis is a slow country style song with Tesco crooning about a guy with a stinky penis. It's even got a catchy chorus as Tesco tells this particular man's story and details his exploits involving a 'a sultry lass, a curvy snatch.' Subtlety is not a strong point here, but hey, check out that nod to Morricone's work on The Good, The Bad And The Ugly sung in an obnoxious nasal style. Moving right along, we get The Dwarves Are The Second Greatest Band In The World, a return to fast, blistering punk rock. It's a dig at Blag and Hewhocannotbenamed and with this track, Tesco throws down the gauntlet! They Just Don't Make'Em Anymore is similarly catchy, a track where Tesco praises the punk rock bands of the past and the glory days of the movement. And that's the end of Side One. Or it would be if this were an LP, but it's a CD. Still, that's how it's laid out.

    Side Two starts off with a goofy spoken word bit in which Tesco plays a New Jersey Jewish comedian welcoming us to Amateur Night At Uncle Bux Bikini Club, a fast song about fat strippers and all the joys they can bring. 'We love Uncle Bux, cause fat chicks suck, we give no fucks when we're at Uncle Bux, you can change your luck at Uncle Bux and you can get your dick sucked, so what the fuck!'

    Speed Kills (But It Sure Feels Good) is a ridiculously fast blast of hardcore about popping pills and not sleeping. Fast and to the point though longer than you'd expect at almost three minutes, thanks to a pretty ginchy guitar solo and a breakdown or two. Big Bloody Booger On The Bathroom Wall is hands down the nastiest, ugliest song on the album. It's a slower, heavier track about fecal alligators, pubes, va-jj juice on food from Taco Bell and all sorts of other gross stuff. It's basically a love letter to yuck.

    Billy's Birthday Surprise is a fake commercial in which a dad gives his kid a 'John Brannon Pull String Talker Doll.' It actually features some voice work from the singer of Negative Approach who utters some of his famous quotes. It comes with a case of Miller Lite and a carton of cigarettes!

    From there, it's back to the music with Rock N Roll Enema, a track about a certain dead rock star named GG Allin and his attempts to reach superstardom with his tiny dick. 'Rest in feces, you smelly fuck!' Pork Chop and a .22 once again has a spoken word intro in which two rednecks talk about an old hound dog. It then segues into a sort of rockabilly inspired bit, Elvis-y vocals about the joys of firearms, pork products and burying a bitch. Read into that what you will. Moving right along, 12 Soft is sung in a fake English accent and it's about a guy with a big ugly dick that he keeps rolled up in his sock that looks a lot like John Tesh. Not sure why this is song the way it is, but it's amusing enough. Wizards Of The Oblivion is a Black Sabbath style doom/dirge metal track that runs five minutes in length, quite a bit longer than anything else on the album. It's actually played fairly straight, even if the lyrics feel like parody. Before the album truly finishes, we get one last spoken word bit, a conversation between Tesco and an irritating fan with a bunch of equally irritating questions.

    The CD is nicely packaged. The front cover art, done in a comic book style, is carried over in that there are illustrations inside for each of the songs on the recording. There's also a booklet inside with lyrics for each of the songs on the disc too, always a nice touch.

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