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Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: December, 2014.
Director: Ed De Priest
Cast: Susan Berkely, Billy Wolf, Sharon Wells
Year: 1969
The Movie:
Alpha Blue Archives offers up One Million AC/DC, a fairly horrible softcore cavemen comedy written by none other than Edward D. Wood Jr., along with a few other odds and sods related to one of its foxy starlets, the lovely Antoinette Maynard. Previously released on DVD by Something Weird Video as part of a double feature with The Mighty Gorga, this movie, produced and directed by Ed De Priest, is pretty light on plot even for a sexploitation film.
The move begins when an older caveman watches a group of nubile young cavewomen prepare to sacrifice another nubile young cavewoman. Except they don't sacrifice her, they use what we thought was some sort of ceremonial dagger as a sex toy - what they're really doing is deflowering this poor virgin. She fights and protests for a bit and then she plays with herself. While the bumping and grinding is going on we see an oddly hippie-ish caveman (who at one point flashes the peace sign) documenting all of this with his cave drawings.
As it turns out, these people are all part of the same tribe and they're upset about the fact that a Tyrannosaurus Rex is hanging around outside their cave. This makes it impossible for any of them to leave. One of the cavemen heads outside to throw a spear at the beastie but that doesn't wind up doing much at all. The leader of the group (Gary Kent) is understandably concerned about this but soon he and one of his men come up with an idea to create a weapon that will act as an extension of the 'arm of man' that they figure will get them out of this sticky situation. Meanwhile, cavemen chase topless and/or naked cavewomen around the cave and make grunting noises, a fat old caveman (Jack King) oversees all of this and a woman down by the river (Antoinette Maynard) is accosted by a horny gorilla.
This one was obviously made fast and cheap and has become somewhat infamous for its use of a child's dinosaur toy in place of any sort of actual effects work. That's right, the camera shoots a dollar store dinosaur from below while hiding the bulk of it (and whatever hand might have been operating it) behind a rock. It's just about the worst dinosaur movie effect you've ever seen and it makes Mark Polonia's Saurians look like Jurassic Park. It would seem though that we're not meant to take any of this all that seriously at all - those involved in the making of the movie throw in a few bad puns and there are plenty of groan-inducing sight gags scattered throughout the movie as well.
As to the cast? The ladies all look good here. Whoever was in charge of coordinating the female talent for the picture did an admirable job. The guys are mostly clean shaven though some sport moustaches and sideburns - that kind of doesn't work for a caveman character, but it's unlikely that'll effect anyone's enjoyment of this sixty-five minute long turkey.
Video/Audio/Extras:
One Million AC/DC arrives on DVD in 1.33.1 fullframe and that would likely be its proper aspect ratio. 'Taken from a colorful 35mm print' according to the packaging the picture here looks okay given the age and obscurity of the picture. Detail is mediocre in some shots and noticeably better in others but you can't realistically expect this one to look amazing. While print damage is all over the place, this is certainly pretty watchable. The color reproduction isn't bad though it is sometimes a little off kilter, while the picture remains stable enough.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono sound mix is on par with the video presentation - it won't blow you away but it'll do. Some hiss and background noise is omnipresent but that's to be expected.
The extra Maynard films start off with a film from 1969 entitled I Am Furious directed by Alain Patrick. Obviously inspired by the success of I Am Curious (Yellow), the movie was shot seemingly without sound and then dubbed afterwards with some amusingly bad French accents (though the voice actors do speak English). The credits are also in French to further continue the ruse that this all American skin flick is actually an exotic European import.
When the movie begins, a woman who calls herself Janine (Suzanne Fields) is in the mood or a little self-gratification. As she goes about her business she's interrupted when her friend (Maynard, whose character isn't addressed by any specific name) shows up. The girls then proceed to go at it, after which they wind up in the bathroom to get all cleaned up together. After this there's a knock on the door - it's a man named Henri (Alain Edmon), Janine's neighbor. He tells her bluntly that he takes 'beaver photos' for nudie magazines and that he thinks she'd be a swell subject to shoot. She's interested but only if her friend can come too. So much the better, says Henri, and before you know it there's a photo session going on. This leads to the girls taking charge and tying Henri to his chair for a little fun before the girls go at it on their own without him again. Fin!
This is an entertaining enough little smoker, another softcore film that pushes the boundaries a little bit here and there. The bondage scene at the end after the photo shoot comes as a bit of a surprise but it never gets too mean spirited. Both Maynard and Fields look fantastic here and they have a nice chemistry together throughout the movie. As an attempt to convince viewers that it's a European art films, this is a complete and utter failure but otherwise this is an entertaining way to kill forty-eight minutes.
Up next is a fifty-seven minute long hardcore quickie called Winning Stroke. The premise here is that a frumpy, uptight blonde reporter in a silly hat (Orita De Chadwick) has arrived unannounced at the home of a famous swimmer named Bart Matson (Rick Lutze) just as he's decided to lay down beside his pool for a good wank. He's in no mood for an interview but he knows that underneath that goofy outfit, the reporter is good to go. He convinces her to take care of him in return for an exclusive and she agrees.
After that, Bart's pal Dave (Rick Cassidy) shows up. Bart's occupied elsewhere so he hangs out by the pool when two girls (one of whom is Maynard) looking for Bart show up. He tells them he's Bart and takes advantage of their willingness. From there, another guy named Hal (John Holmes) arrives at the house and he too gets it on with the ladies. When everyone figures out who the real Bart is, well, no one seems to care all that much to be honest.
Light on story and fairly heavy on the hardcore, this one is amusing enough but not particularly inventive. The outdoor poolside set is recycled a bit too often while the interiors are fairly plain. The sex is enthusiastic enough and the girls have their own retro/seventies appeal going on - never a bad thing. Holmes is amusing to watch here and his hair looks ridiculous but Cassidy actually steals the show, he's pretty funny in his attempts to deceive the girls who are there to bone his best buddy. Cyndee Summers shows up in this one too, she's fun to look at.
The Married Bachelor (no year available for this one, no IMDB entry or other info around either, making it a bit of a mystery) runs a quick forty-seven minutes. It starts off on a couch in a living room where Maynard is with two guys, sharing some drinks. There's some nice wood paneling and a weird picture of a matador or something on the wall. She takes her pantyhose down and gives them a show after which they head to the bedroom for a three-way.
From there, another woman shows up and before you know it the two of them are showing off their skimpy outfits and doing the dirty deed. Cut to the living room where another guy is going after another chick - that awesome matador painting gets some more screen time. It basically just turns into a drunken swinger's party from there as a few more people show up, strip and get it on in a group scene that brings this one to a close. No opening or closing credits of any kind here.
Aside from the features, we also get a twelve minute bonus scene featuring Ms. Maynard in full on hardcore action taken from a film called Avalon Calling and a 'retro starlets' trailer that serves as a promo spot for similarly themed ABA releases. Static menus are also provided.
The Final Word:
One Million AC/DC is pretty goofy stuff, but Wood fans who don't already have it should be interested not only because of his involvement, but because of the amazingly horrible dinosaur effects! Add to this the presence of Ms. Maynard in the main attraction and the bonus features as well and this turns out to be a pretty fun release.
