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Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: 01/01/08
Director: Various
Cast: Various
Year: Varopis
The Movies:
Alpha Blue Archives, as part of their truly enjoyable Dirty Drive-In series of retro double and triple features, unleashes Spy-Sex-O-Rama, a trilogy of spy-movie inspired XXX moldy oldies. Here's a look...
Jane Bond
The first film starts off with special agent Jane Bond and her massive bush waking up in the mod for love. Her boyfriend, who has a tattoo on his bicep that reads 'The Kid' (which is how he shall be referred to from here on out) sports a nicely trimmed beard and is surprised by her morning horniness. They boff and he tells her that he's been looking for someone who gives head as well as she has for thirty years, which judging by his age, would mean he's been sampling blow-jobs since he was ten. He obviously had very liberal parents.
Once they're done screwing, the phone rings and Jane leaves, it seems the agency needs her to bust up a heroin ring. She hits the streets of San Francisco and heads towards Chinatown, zapping an unnamed dude who happens to follow her with what appears to be some sort of laser pen. With a mighty 'peee-oh-peee-oh-whoooooop' sound he's laid to rest and she's off to meet up with Madame Lee, a black chick wearing Chinese garb who soon introduces her to the more relaxing aspects of Chinese culture (her words, not mine) but eating her out. In the midst of the lesbian love fest, a guy named Frank shows up. He tells the girls his father sent him but fails to mention why. They're completely okay with this and then they have a three way.
Once the three way is over, they decide to go meet a guy named Sun Yee, who is another black person wearing Chinese clothes. He tells them that his real name is Sydney Green and he welcomes them into his pad where there's an orgy going on. The girls join in and everyone has sloppy, hairy group sex. Once the orgy is over, someone hands Jane Bond a piece of paper that apparently tells her who is in charge of that heroin racket that was mentioned briefly after she boffed 'The Kid' and off she goes to administer some laser pen justice to the culprit…
This film is rad. It swipes its entire soundtrack from James Bond films and has a plot so thin that it really defies logic. It features a bit of interesting footage of San Fran's Chinatown and a few times during the sex scenes you can hear the director off camera saying things like 'use your fingers on her.' It isn't quite Bat Pussy bad, but it's really damn close.
The California Connection
This second film tells the story of one Peter Galore, a special agent who has to save the hot daughter of an often mentioned but never seen rich dude from the clutches of an evil bad guy who wears a safari outfit with an ascot and a very classy looking monocle. It seems Safari man has the hot chick tied up in an abandoned mine that he enjoys hanging out in. He and his men also seem to have a few random lesbians running around for good measure.
At any rate, Peter makes the scene and gets it on with a few chicks before saving the hot daughter and taking off for a surprisingly good car chase in which people toss sticks of dynamite around and in which there are many random explosions. Once that's done, he heads back to the Safari guys headquarters to finish him off once and for all…
Shot somewhere in what looks like the deserts of California, this one might surprise you a bit as it's not every day you see a no-budget seventies porno movie that involves dynamite tossing car chases and numerous explosions. At one point a jeep runs through the desert with what looks to be a genuine machine gun mounted to the top of it, firing away. Where did the filmmakers get this firepower? Why didn't the cops stop them? The mind reels. At any rate, this one is a lot of fun. The sex scenes are reasonably well shot and while the plot is retarded, it's a fair bit of fun. The guy who plays the safari outfit wearing heavy is obviously having a blast playing his part while the cast of surprisingly attractive women give this one a bit more sex appeal than you'd probably expect. Good times!
Agent 69
The last of the three films in the collection starts when a man known only as Agent 69 is auditioning a young lady named Willa for a job. He tells her that her ass is qualified but needs to find out what the rest of her is like. She screws him and at one point lies him down on the couch and gives him an ass massage! Apparently this means she's qualified enough and before you know it she's working as a secret agent where her assignments include screwing Agent 69's nosey nephew and disguising herself as a girl scout (sort of - her uniform consists of a polka dot mini dress). Why does she disguise herself as a girl scout? Simple! So that she can infiltrate the home of a woman named Ethel who is busy blackmailing people. She tries to sell her some cookies and ends up giving her some nookie and leaves with some information that will prove very valuable to her boss.
From there she looks into the exploits of a political activist, who she screws, and then Agent 69 himself pays Ethel a visit, and he screws her.
What the Hell? This makes no sense. Not that the other features made a lot of sense, but this one makes even less sense. It's poorly shot, poorly acted, and the dialogue is so wooden and stilted that you won't believe your ears. The sex is ugly, awkward and seemingly performed by people who have had way too much to drink - remember that time you got trashed, and had really awkward sex with someone only to wake up the next morning unsure of what happened, only knowing that you felt dirty and stupid? This movie has that effect on you and everyone keeps their ratty looking socks on while they screw for some reason.
Video/Audio/Extras:
Alpha Blue Archives presents all three of the features on Spy-Sex-O-Rama in 1.33.1 fullframe transfers that look to be their respective proper aspect ratios. Jane Bond looks like it was taken from an old film print, and it's in pretty rough shape with some heavy color fading to the point where the film almost looks black and white. The California Connection fares a little better. It took looks like it came from a beat up film source but the colors are in better shaped and there's a lot less print damage on display. Agent 69 was taken from a tape source and there are tape rolls and tracking lines noticeable in some spots, especially at the beginning of the movie. Unfortunately an Alpha Blue Archives bug appears at the beginning of each film, but then it disappears for the rest of each feature in this collection.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono tracks on the DVD fare a little better than the video transfers do but not by much. There's some hiss in the background and the levels bounce around slightly and Agent 69 is in worse shape than the other two. Most of the time the dialogue is perfectly audible but there are couple of spots where the muddy dialogue will have you turning up the volume a bit.
Aside from a static menu screen, this disc is completely barebones.
The Final Word:
Those who appreciate the camp value and flat out craziness inherent in seventies smut will find a lot to love about the three wacky features contained in this collection. The presentations leave plenty to be desired but these are three legitimate obscurities and the fact that they even exist in the first place is something in and of itself. Are they classics? Nope, they're terrible, but they are endlessly amusing in their incompetence!