Released by: After Hours Cinema
Released on: September 23rd, 2016.
Cast: Rene Bond, Ric Lutz, Johnny Gonad, Uschi Digard
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Four dirty movies on two DVDs, transferred from original 1970’s film prints? Yep. Here’s what you get, two movies on each disc (each one introduced by Pete himself). Let’s start with disc one.
Our first feature was made in 1971. It starts off with a scene where female fortune teller named Madame De Laballsac looks into her crystal ball for a woman who just doesn’t seem to have any excitement in their lives anymore. She tells him she’ll meet three tall, dark strangers in the not too distant future. From there? We see her get it on with a trio of black guys in a room with a lot of mirrors. It turns out that this might be a short called Crystal Balled – at least the liner notes mention this – but it starts with you select Private, Private off of the menu (there is no option for Crystal Balled).
After that, we cut to the office of a private detective Jefferson Figg (Ric Lutz) who is arguing with his lady client, Mrs. McTash (Rene Bond). She cries and he offers to take her home. She invites him in and makes him a snack and they talk – her husband was a bad dude, and then she decides to show him the ‘play room’ where there are darts and an ironing board. This leads to her going down on him, then sex. After that he drives back to his office to find it trashed. He eats a Twinkie and takes a phone call. Meanwhile a criminal named Barney fools around with a foxy blonde named Sylvia on the kitchen table. After that Barney heads to the nearby sports stadium, which is empty, to meet up with Lester – the criminal kingpin involved in all of this – who is not a man at all, despite the name. They head into the woods where Barney learns that she can ‘suck a cock as good as you can plan a bank robbery!’
But our hero, Jefferson Figg, is on the case! Once he finishes boning some blonde chick and eating his apple, he’s gonna go catch those bank robbers... but not before Mrs. McTash has hot lesbian sex with a dark haired cutie whose eyes roll into the back of her head when she gets it on, which turns into a three-way, and then a prolonged scene where Figg makes a ham sandwich.
The print is beat up pretty bad and the audio is out of synch in spots but this is pretty amusing if completely nonsensical. The focus is on humor and prolonged sex scenes, which is a good combination, rather than intense plotting or action. It’s pretty rad to see Ms. Bond here, pre boob-job, looking fresh faced and super cute. She gets two scenes and they’re pretty good. The performances are enthusiastic enough and at sixty-six minutes (with the intro), it’s over before you know it.
Our second feature runs just shy of an hour (including Pete’s intro) and it tells the story of… well there really isn’t much of a story to it. A middle aged guy who looks kind of like Warren Oates without the cool factor swims in a pool. A woman brings him a drink and sits by the side of the pool. He takes her pants off, goes down, and they fuck. She’s worried about getting her hair wet and he says ‘AWWW TO HELL WITH YOUR HAIR, YOU’VE GOT A HAIR DRYER!” They head inside and screw some more.
Cut to two ladies having tea. No wait, it’s coffee. It seems that they’re looking forward to the swinging party coming up this evening, but blondie isn’t so sure her husband will be into this. They talk about how men suck at learning how to turn women on, and – SHOCKINGLY – they then have lesbian sex on a green couch. Later blondie meets some guy with rad sideburns in the kitchen, eyes his bulge, and then goes down on him. After that, they have sex. She splits and he calls up another chick. That other chick shows up, and they have sex on the green couch. After that another couple hangs out around a bar and then has sex before everyone heads over to the Warren Oates looking guy’s house with the pool. He asks everyone to take their shoes off, doesn’t want to get his carpet messed up.
The rest of the movie is pretty much exactly what you’d expect – people hanging out, screwing, watching other people screwing, having some drinks, having sex on green couches – but before all of that they play cards, strip poker, play some Twister, shit like that. But is this just an excuse for horny people to do dirty things or is there a secret reasoning behind all of this, like maybe… perfecting a two way laser beam?
The guys leave their black socks on in almost every scene but the ladies here aren’t bad looking and seem to be having fun. The plot is nonsense but there’s enough sex here, even if it is she with a very pedestrian mindset, to make it moderately interesting. One of the women is played by Annette Michael – and you definitely won’t see the ending coming. Gotta give the movie credit for going into left field before it’s all over and done with.
Disc two starts off with this fifty-six minute film made in 1974 that has nothing to do whatsoever with the Woody Allen movie of the same name. Here a man named Johnny Gonad toils away as an editor of adult films. His narration tells us how he got into editing smut, how he got all hot and bothered by editing a picture to the point where he had to call up ‘this chick I knew.’ She shows up and they hop in the sack and get it on. It’s all going swimmingly until Johnny’s full time lady friend shows up, unimpressed with what she’s seen. He figured he was in deep shit until ‘being a typical woman, she proceeded to do the exact opposite of what I expected!’ The chick he called over splits and then he gets it on with his old lady. Who says true romance is dead?
A week later we’re told ‘the missus went on a holiday and her little sister came over to take care of me.’ He winds up showing her one of the movie he has worked on and va-va-voom – they screw to the sounds of some weird Hare Krishna song. They do it on the dining room table and even get the food into the act (and it is here where we learn why the movie is given the title it has been given!). Then they move into the bedroom for more, and we hear machine guns go off and then a ragtime version of The Saints Come Marching In! Eventually he and a friend swap wives and do it air born – you know, to join the mile high club! People have sex in and out of an airplane.
When it’s all over Johnny Gonad tells us to watch for more of his adventures! Johnny Gonad was Canadian according to Pete’s introduction and he confirms it in the last part of the film where he’s announced as ‘Canada’s most prominent pervert.’
Some of us may beg to differ, though it appears that Johnny did come back in another film called Lonesome Housewife that Something Weird has in their catalog. I haven’t seen it, but now I want to. Patriotic duty and all of that.
Last but not least, there’s a forty-five minute feature that Pete, in his intro, figures might star actual, real swingers given that there are no money shots at all in the movie. It begins with a scene where a guy gets it on with his big booty’d girlfriend in a bedroom. From there we meet a group of swingers who just sort of sit around and talk in low, muffled voices with piano centric jazz plays loudly overtop of them making it pretty tough to know what’s going on.
The couple that was screwing in the bedroom joins the swingers in the living room and then a curvy brunette takes on two dudes. Some dude is having a birthday party and he wants to get it on with a few chicks all at once. After that, everyone joins in on a big ol’ orgy. The end!
Each of the three movies is presented in its original 1.33.1 fullframe aspect ratio and transferred from film prints. They haven’t been fully restored so expect a fair bit of print damage and plenty of visible scratches but that doesn’t really detract from the experience much. Colors are faded and black levels all over the place but if the elements are in rough shape, at least the disc is fairly well authored and not plagued by compression artifacts or edge enhancement problems. It’d be nice if After Hours started using progressive transfers though…
The audio is on par with the video, in that it’s rough but serviceable considering the origins of the films and the materials available to work with. Each of the three English language Dolby Digital Mono tracks has some hiss and some audible cracking in spots but most fans of this material won’t mind so much.
Extras on disc one includes a short film called Breakfast In Bed and eighteen trailers for a host of other After Hours Cinema releases. The short film runs twenty-seven minutes. Pete’s opening sets it up and from there we see a man and a woman, nude, having breakfast in bed. After they eat their meal they have sex from a few different angles. After that a second couple goes at it when a dude walks in on his girl playing with herself. No need for sustenance this time, they just go straight to the sex.
Extras on disc two include the same trailers found on disc one, and then another short film entitled Outtake Orgy! These are just that, outtakes, from a porn movie that Pete isn’t able to identify according to his intro (a clapboard is seen but there is no title on it). There’s just under nineteen minutes of material here, most of it just generic fucking and sucking, but then around the eighteen minute mark, none other than Uschi Digard shows up for a romp on a couch!
Inside the keepcase alongside the two DVDs is an insert booklet of liner notes written by 42nd Street Pete.
The Final Word:
42nd Street Pete’s Dirty Movies offers up four low rent fuck films in one handy-dandy package highlighted by Rene Bond’s turn in the first movie and the surprise Uschi footage on the second disc. Not necessarily the best starting point for those new to the world of vintage smut, but a perfectly fun addition to the library of the non-discerning pervert in your life.