Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: 2015
Director: Ben Rose
Cast: Candy Samples, Suzanne Fields
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This sixty-three minute long 1971 feature directed by ‘Ben Rose’ starts off in a bedroom. A man and a woman named Flame Fletcher (Candy Samples) lay in bed together but are interrupted by a younger brunette. The younger girl apologizes and runs out of the room, while the older couple talks about money problems – it seems that Flame is a hooker and that this guy is her john. He’s broke and wants to right her a check. It turns out the brunette is Flower (Suzanne Fields), Flame’s daughter. She’s young, but we don’t know how young – but young enough to wander around in pigtails with a Raggedy Anne doll.
Cut to a scene with Flame and Flower in the car together. They’re moving to California and talking about how man like Flame’s big breasts and how momma taught Flower to play ‘lollipop’ with the paper boy! And about the grey haired man who liked Flower’s legs! It seems like Flower has been entertaining some of Flame’s clients, many of whom did a ‘lot of moaning and groaning.’ This conversation gets Flower so hot and bothered that she has to play with herself while mom tries to keep her eyes on the road. Creepy!
Before they get to California, they stop off at a hotel run by a man named Mason Motley (Norman Fields) and his wife Marie (Bambi Allen). As Marie walks their new customers to room 317 – the economy suite – she starts to fantasize about Flower and Flame getting into some lesbian hijinks as they walk by the ‘lovely, lovely pool.’ The girls get to their room (decorated with a garish painting over the bed, which is covered in a goofy purple comforter) and we see them strip down to their birthday suits, put on some lingerie and exercise together for a bit. Predictably, Mason then pays them a visit. He shows Flower a book and rubs her legs while sweet talking Flame for a bit. Of course, soon enough e’s naked and mom watches Flower get into bed with him and rubs herself a bit – she’s taught her the tricks of the trade, after all. Once that’s over with, Mason hops into the shower with Flame and they go at it for a spell while Flower reads her new book and ‘plays’ with her doll.
Later that day, Marie shows up in the room. She and Flame sit at the bar and talk, clearly attracted to one another. Flower heads outside to sit by the poolside leaving the grown up women to fool around together in her absence. But of course, soon enough the curious teen walks in on them and watches, later getting in on the lesbian action (at which point Marie tells Flame ‘you’re the nicest mommy I ever did see!’). It turns out that Flame didn’t have money for the hotel room, so this is how she’s repaying the owners.
With that out of the way, the girls hit the road. They’ve still got to make it to California after all. Then we segue into a side story involving a pimp named Boris Clitoris (George ‘Buck’ Flowers) who shakes down his hooker, Molly, for the money he says she owes him. She doesn’t have what he figures she owes him. This goes on for a bit, it’s supposed to be funny (in two days of hooking she brought in six dollars and fifteen cents!) but it drags a bit. Still, it’s funny to see Flowers pop up here and he’s his typically amusing self when he talks to her about how he brought her from cold, freezing Brooklyn to sunshiney Hollywood and all that he’s done for her. After this, Boris heads outside where he finds Flame and Flower. Their car ran out of gas. Boris sees an opportunity here and brings the mother/daughter duo back to his pad to join up with the rest of his harem. Here hookers smoke hookah pipes and chill on giant pillows. Boris encourages Flower to dance with a painted naked lady while he makes out with Flame – and so we get a weird slow motion dance scene intercut with shots of Flowers sucking away at Samples’ ample wares while a few stoned looking women lay around in the background. As the movie comes to a close a guy with a beard shows up and tells Flower that he’s her father. He talks her to the couch and they fool around while Flame and Boris head into the bedroom. ‘Daddy’ sings to Flower, who lays her head on his shoulder while he croons a lousy lullaby to her. She falls asleep and he heads over to the stoned looking hooker (who is admittedly quite attractive even if she does appear to be half asleep) with the hookah for a little leg and rope play.
The movie ends with a Cadillac pulling up to a mansion. The chauffer stops the care and Flower, dressed to the nines, gets out – some voiceover narration tells us that “The stem is full grown, the petals are spread wide, the flower is in full bloom.” The camera zooms in on Flower, who turns to her left and looks right at the audience before she says “Mother knows best.” The end!
This goofy softcore picture has a few things going for it. Obviously casting the matronly and stern looking Samples as one of the female leads is enough to get the attention of some vintage smut hounds, and she gets lots of screen time here. Of course, casting the lovely Suzanne Fields opposite her was also a smart move – she definitely does have a young look to her, but director Rose is at least decent enough to exploit that more for comedic value than anything else. This isn’t meant to be taken seriously, it’s actually surprisingly innocent in a lot of ways. Fields is supposed to be underage but you never for a second believe she is (which is obviously for the best). The humor is dopey but reasonably effective, there are a lot of knowing winks towards the camera in certain scenes and you get the impression that everyone working on this was having a lot of fun doing it. The sex in the movie isn’t particularly graphic, though there is a fair bit of graphic female full frontal in a few scenes. It never really gets all that close to hardcore. The movie is well paced and while the score would appear to be made up of library tracks, those tracks are used well and give things a proper light and fluffy bounce.
Mother Knows Best is presented in a decent looking fullframe transfer that looks like it was taken from a film source (the packaging says it was sourced from a 35mm print). There are some scratches, mostly noticeable in the opening and closing moments, and minor print damage throughout as well as some softness but this is more than watchable. Colors look nice and detail, if never outstanding, is sufficient.
The English language Dolby Digital Mono sound mix, the only one available on the disc, sounds okay but no better than okay thanks to some pretty muffled dialogue. There isn’t much in the way of hiss or distortion here, it just seems that the original audio was poorly recorded.
Extras on the first disc start off with a bonus feature called Hetero Sexualis made in 1973 and also starring Candy Samples. Written, produced and directed by John Hayes (of Grave Of The Vampire and Help Wanted – Female fame), this picture is set in Hollywood where a simple man named Virgil (Michael Pataki credited as Caleb Goodman) visits the apartment of a nurse named Mitzmeyer (Candy Samples) to drop off some groceries. The nurse is an attendant to a sick woman named Emily (Lynn Harris) who lives in the apartment with her parrot. Virgil watches as Mitzmeyer gets Emily naked licks her all over for reasons that are never clearly explained (is this part of her therapy?). After that she gets Emily down on all fours and prepares to cram a giant cucumber into her hoohaw while that droney fuzzy music that was used in Massacre Mafia Style and a few other movies plays in the background. Emily complains that this hurts but Mitzmeyer keeps going, while the parrot craws out ‘up your ass, Emily!’ a few times. Virgil complains, while this is happening, that he has to go potty. She pulls out a bedpan for him to use and strips herself down to her birthday suit, preparing to use a massive salami where the cucumber once was.
It turns out this is all some sort of game. Virgil lives in a boarding his run by pretty Miss Victor (Betty Mitchell) with his aging father. That man is Mr. Griffin, who lies in his bed covered in magazines – Miss Victor knocks tries to get him up, letting herself into his room and then, after offering to get him some milk or prune juice, helps him up to get his checkbook. After all, the rent is due. When she tries to help him up he grabs her ass. It turns out the old coot is a vampire and after he sinks his fanged teeth into her supple rump, he’s interrupted by that doofus son of his, Virgil. With nothing else around to defend himself with, Virgil fights off the old man with a bed pan and saves lovely Miss Victor from a fate surely worse than death. Victor, however, is pissed off that Virgil killed ‘the only decent thing in my life!’ She comes at him with a knife and calls him a ‘fucking cocksucker’ and a ‘chicken licking fucking cock cunt’ before trying to kill him, chasing him out of the apartment and into Mitzmeyer’s room. Eventually Miss Victor and Virgil settle things. She tells him a story, a sexy story, and then we see this weird sequence play out where Virgil and Emily sit down for a fancy dinner and then get it on after she fellates a carrot and does a nude dance for him that somehow involves pie. Of course, Miss Victor interrupts just as he’s about to score, proclaiming her love for him and then masturbating on the floor while calling out his name.
From there, Virgil watches a woman named Marylou Perkins (Becky Sharpe) do a tap dance for him on the roof of the building. He speaks to her in a fake British accent and she wonders if he’s Richard Burton. He tells her he’s not, he’s Richard’s brother Virgil Burton – she buys it and tells him she’s come all the way from West Virginia to audition her tap dance for a talent agency. Turns out she also does figure modelling – and she doesn’t mind showing it off for ol’ Virgil! They screw and then we head inside where Virgil, now sunburned, gets a rubdown –all over his body - from Miss Victor. They screw too!
Before this plotless nonsense is over, Virgil, covered in cold cream, while play flamenco guitar while Emily dances for him, that parrot while talk more shit about his owner, Virgil will wind up with his face between Miss Victor’s legs as she pours booze on his head, Emily will has lesbian sex with Mitzmeyer on a zebra print couch only for some dude to show up and join in and there will be…. some singing!
If you’ve ever wanted to see Michael Pataki in a softcore slapstick movie about vampires and horny nurses, this is the movie for you! The movie has no real discernable plot, it’s really just one absurd set piece after another, but it is fun to watch in a ridiculous sort of way. Logic and narrative be damned! Although this probably wouldn’t get hit with anything harder than an R-rating these days, there’s enough goofy sex in the picture to keep things interesting but really, it’s the insanity of it all that makes it worth checking out. The opening credits to this picture are written in white chalk on a brick wall!
Also included on the DVD is the 1974 film Mrs. Harris’ Cavity, a quick fifty-eight minute film that also stars Ms. Samples as the titular character. She heads off to visit with her dentist (Keith Erickson) to deal with her toothache, but he’s not there, he’s running late. She talks to Sandy (Sandy Dempsey), the receptionist, while the dental hygienist (Suzanne Fields with some awesome Princess Leia style buns on the sides of her head before there even was a Princess Leia to steal from!) gets prepped in the other room. The dentist shows up and as Harris doesn’t like needles, he gives her laughing gas instead of a shot. He takes some of the gas himself, and even gives some of it to the hygienist. Before you know it, they’re having a three-way right there in the dentist’s chair. The receptionist splits and is replaced by Eve Orlon just in time for a new patient, played by Ric Lutze, to show up. They listen in on the action (which is hardcore this time), and then go at it themselves on the floor of the waiting room. She leaves her boots on and the carpeting is total shag!
Once everyone has finished up, Harris heads out to find the original receptionist is back, and she books a follow up appointment for the next day. The dentist, however, takes Fields and Dempsey back to his place for a pool party. After a swim the girls have a shower together and then head to the bedroom for some oil rubbing fun that of course turns into a lesbian lovemaking session. The good doctor shows up just in time to join in and the girls go to town on him. After that, the trio retires for the night and the movie just ends. There’s not much of a story here but it’s cool to see Fields and Dempsey show up in this one alongside Samples. The film is poorly directed and has absolutely no style to it at all – this is total point and shoot porn – but the cast all seem to be having fun and that counts for something.
Outside of that look for static menus, feature selection and the Alpha Blue Archives ‘Retro Starlets’ trailer.
The Final Word:
The Alpha Blue Archives DVD release of Mother Knows Best, paired with Hetero Sexualis and Mrs. Harris’ Cavity, offers up a trio of fairly entertaining sex films in reasonably good shape. These will be of more interest to the Samples devotees out there than casual porn hounds, but the supporting players utilized in the three movies make this worth checking out whether you fall into that camp or not.