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Released by: Alpha Blue Archives
Released on: 2017.
Director: Art Lieberman/Cory Allen/Tom DeSimone
Cast: Uschi Digard, Frank Corsentino, Haji, Luann Roberts, Cheri Caffaro, John Bloom, Monica Gayle, Dyanne Thorne, Alex Roman, Jacqueline Giroux, Maria Arnold, Peggy Church, Linda York, Candy Samples, Marsha Jordan, Ric Lutze
Year: 1971/1971/1972
The Movie:
The Melon Affair, also known as Up Your Alley, Sex Or Bust and Bang Bang The Mafia Gang (which is how it was released by Something Weird Video), opens with literal footage of melons, smashed on a beach. Here we meet Don Marco (Charles Knapp), the Melon Man, the feared and respected leader of 'La Cosa Nostra.' We're told he's sensitive, cultured and refined but still a man's man. As he feasts, his cohorts wish him the best and toast him while he grabs his junk and makes some crass jokes. It turns out that Don Marco plans to pass himself off in Hollywood as an Italian filmmaker named Fettuccini. Why? To get in tight with an actress and pass off some stolen jewels for a cool million dollars in cash.
From here we meet Seymour (Frank Corsentino), a nerdy man who lives with his aging mother and aunt who nag him constantly. He's far from a hit with the ladies, he's allergic to cats and his mom thinks he's rotten due to the fact that 'we know what you do there when you're all alone' in his bedroom. Yes, it seems that Seymour, when left to his own devices, fantasizes about big busted women - the scoundrel (Uschi appears as the nurse in his fantasies)! It turns out that Seymour's uncle gets him a job working for his catering company, Crown Caterers. And what could their latest gig possibly be? Well, they're to cater an upcoming film festival attended by, you guessed it, Fettuccini.
Meanwhile, a cop with a lazy eye is instructed to keep his eyes on Don Marco. They know he's coming into the country with those jewels and they want to nab him before he can fence them. There's a significant plot twist when Don Marco dies and Seymour, through a few strange twists of fate, winds up having to finish the job for him. He winds up meeting Maria Marina (Haji) when he caters her party, and through that connection gets messed up in all of this and he's there when Marco dies from a heart attack. This leaves the Mafia without a leader and Marina's life in danger and Seymour, wanting to help her, winds up having to impersonate the dead Don who was in turn impersonating a non-existent filmmaker. Of course, the local mobsters all want to treat Don Macro as best they can, and if that means he has to take care of two lovely virgins provided for his amusement (one of whom is, yes, Uschi, the other is credited as Georgette Dante), then so be it... even if he's a virgin himself (something that Maria fixes for him before he has to perform). Maria gives him enough experience so that when he's in the room with the two 'virgins' and a tub of spumoni he knows what to do and how to do it.
But of course, those cops are closing in, Seymour and Maria may or may not be falling for one another, and the mobsters start to wonder about what's really going on - and then there's a midget mobster in a steam room named Myron Schwarz from New York, the man intending to buy 'the rocks' that Marco brought over from Sicily in the first place.
The highpoints in the movie are seeing Seymour's fantasies enacted - not only does he get to service sexy nurse Uschi but we seem him as a film director getting his leading lady to strip, as a prisoner of a sexy Nazi bitch (Luann Roberts), the king of a harem of international beauties. This are completely goofy, showing Seymour as he appears in his own mind - king of the studs, a man that women just cannot resist. They're funny, a little sexy and mostly just silly.
Corsentino is like a cross between Martin Short and Woody Allen, nebbish and nerdy but a lot of fun to watch. Yeah fine, he's a tiny dork, but he's well cast and he handles the material quite well here, showing good comedic timing, solid line delivery and an aptitude for physical comedy. He and Haji, who ends the film with a wonderful topless motorcycle ride, have an unusual but effective chemistry here. It shouldn't work, but it does. The jokes are corny, every character is a complete stereotype, and political correctness was clearly not a concern but it's hard not to laugh at this, as dopey as it is. The direction is stagey and the sets/locations more than a little basic (though the beach used in the opening sequence is scenic enough) but this actually works quite well.
The whole thing is narrated by a very serious and uncredited voice artist who does an excellent job of making the story sound far more important than it could ever possibly be. It's great to see Uschi show up here, legendary jugs exposed for all to admire, and hey, it's never a bad thing when Luann Roberts shows up in a movie like this either. Sexploitation obscurities Cara Peters and Jeannie Anderson also appear in the movie in small roles. Also be on the lookout for a quick cameo from Cheri Caffaro (she of the Ginger films) as 'flapper.'
Video/Audio/Extras:
Alpha Blue Archives brings The Melon Affair to DVD framed at 1.33.1 taken from a print that is in pretty decent shape for the most part. There's some minor print damage here and there and the odd horizontal scratch now and then but for the most part the quality here is pretty solid. Colors look nice and natural, there aren't any compression issues and detail isn't half bad at all.
The only audio option for the feature attraction is an English language Dolby Digital Mono track. There's some minor hiss here and there but it isn't constant nor is it too distracting. Dialogue is reasonably clean and clear and the levels are properly balanced throughout.
There are two bonus features here, the first is The Erotic Adventures Of Pinocchio (or, if you prefer, simply Pinocchio), a film made by Corey Allen in 1971. The presentation on this DVD is tape sourced so keep your expectations in check. As to the movie itself? It's an early take on the sexy fairy tale film that was popular for a while. The film brings us back to 'once upon a time' land where we meet Gepetta (Monica Gayle), a young woman who worked as a wood carver and lived completely alone. She decides, one day, to make the perfect man - she's still a virgin after all, men just aren't interested in her (which makes no fucking sense whatsoever).
She's impressed with her creation but, since he's made out of wood, Gepetta knows that they'll never have a real relationship… even as they have a weird graphic but softcore bump and grind session that ends in Gepetta's disappointment and she leaves. That all changes when her Fairy Godmother (Dyanne Thorne) brings Pinocchio (Alex Roman) to life - but she makes it clear that although she can bring him to life, she can't make him a man. If he misbehaves there will be terrible consequences. And once Pinocchio he learns quite quickly that behaving himself is much, much tougher than he originally expected it to be. Not only is he basically throwing himself at any woman he comes across, he even makes a move on the Fairy Godmother herself! This is thanks in no part to a friend he makes named Jo Jo (Eduardo Ranez) who intends to employ him a this house of ill repute, and with some help from an employee of his named Mabella (Karen Smith) it just might work. After Pinocchio basically bangs his way through all the women in town, he tries to find Gepetta. Mabella and friends, however, convince him to stay and hang out with some hot lesbians (one of whom is Uschi). He does and is then coerced into an all-night fuck fest at the bordello in which he's the star attraction.
Eventually he learns from his mistakes and has the fairy godmother help him out - but will he ever find Gepetta and, in turn, true love? Or will he spend the rest of his life as a manwhore? With a massive dong… the verdict is still out!
Not the most interesting 'adult' film you'll ever see, this one has its moments but is, for the most part, fairly lackluster. The best thing about it is Dyanne Thorne, who is actually pretty amusing as the fairy godmother. She's well cast, frequently naked, and clearly in good spirits here, giving her all and delivering an enthusiastic performance. Uschi is underused, but it's fun to see her in the small part she's been given. Karen Smith looks great but her character is a cliché, while Monica Gayle follows suit - she looks great, but Gepetta, despite being the female lead for the most part, just isn't that interesting. The film puts too much stock in Alex Roman. He looks the part, he's handsome enough and in good shape, but he has no charisma at all and winds up sinking the film.
Production values are about average for a sex picture of this vintage. The cinematography is perfunctory if unexciting and the sets and costumes get the job done without ever impressing. There are worse ways to spend an hour and fifteen minutes, but so too are there better ways.
The second bonus is the inclusion of Prison Girls, a film made in 1972 by Tom DeSimone (who not only did a lot of seventies and early eighties hardcore but also directed Hell Night!) and it too is taken from a tape source, a particularly rough one at that (it's in BAD shape). The film was shown theatrically in 3-D (but that's not the case on this DVD).
The story, such as it is, opens with a shower scene in a prison where a woman named Gertie (Annik Borel) tries to fool around with inmate Cindy (Uschi Digard - who doesn't seem to be dubbed, for once). It doesn't go as planned with a few other inmates show up and they talk about how they're all getting a weekend pass that will let them out into the real world, thanks to Dr. Reinhardt - it's part of their rehabilitation!
From there, the girls split the prison (very little of the film takes place there) to go out and reconnect with husbands and boyfriends for a series of sex scenes that don't really further the plot much at all. Lots of group gropes happen, at one point there's a body painting scene with Candy Samples in it, yeah… mostly people have sex. It's not hardcore, at least not in this version, but it comes close at times. Uschi sports some white go-go boots and fucks a guy who looks like an MC5 roadie on a couch. As each of the female characters reconnects with a man from her past, bad shit happens - one gets beaten, one gets raped, one gets into it with a cell mate and, well, poor Cindy? We won't spoil that but you won't see it coming.
There's an amusing soliloquy at the end of the movie about the hard reality of prison life but for the most part, this is goofy, sleazy bumping and grinding. No more, no less. Light on plot, the movie is entertaining enough thanks to the fact that it is pretty much chock full of softcore sex with some attractive and noteworthy actresses. The acting is nothing to write home about and it's hard to imagine how much better the film would have been in 3-D (boobs move towards the camera now and again and a shout out scene looks like it could have benefited from the process - and then there is that shot of the soap!). Marketing materials from the era note that the film was advertised as 'the first real adult film in 3-D,' so take that as you will. This was clearly shot fast and cheap, there's very little in the way of production values to discuss, the locations are unimpressive and the whole thing looks grubby. But then, there's the appeal of something like this.
Clocking in at ninety-four minutes and change,
Aside from that we also get a basic menu offering movie selection.
The Final Word:
The Melon Affair is a lot of fun and presented in pretty nice shape. The other two features are interesting enough that, as bonus features, they're worthwhile even if their respective presentations are none too exciting. Having said that, fans of Uschi Digard and her considerable chesty charms should have no problem finding a lot to love about this triple feature.
