Bravengers: Age Of Buldgetron

Released by: Seduction Cinema
Released on: August 8, 2017
Director: John Bacchus (credited as Sofia Ortega)
Cast: Jackie Stevens, Kerri Taylor, Glass Olive, Sativa Verte, Rob Mandora, and John Fedele
Year: 2017
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The Movie:

Damn. Seduction Cinema is still around? Is the home video market still that desperate for sex-loaded superhero movie parodies that Axel Braun hasn't already made? It appears so, because Seduction just recently finally got around to releasing their low-budget softcore spoof of the 2015 Marvel Studios blockbuster Avengers: Age of Ultron - Bravengers: Age of Buldgetron.

Another sex-related crisis threatens the entire world, and only Dick Furry (Clancy Fitzsimmons), a weird white guy with a preference for wearing leopard pajamas even when it's not bedtime, knows who to call. When millionaire sex toy inventor Horny Fake, also known as the incredible Ironbabe (Jackie Stevens), unleashes her latest creation - a line of “Sex Bots” that resemble light bulb-shaped clear balloons assembled into lascivious shapes - they become sentient under the control of the creepy-ass Buldgetron (a robot with drain snake arms and an expressionless doll's head), who plans to use this private army to conquer the world by turning everyone into raving sex fiends.

Furry gets into action and assembles Earth's mightiest team of low-rent superheroes who dress like strippers, the Bravengers. They consist of the star-spangled bikini wearing Captain Amorica (Glass Olive), lightning-hurling goddess Mighty Bore (Sandra) from the “Realm of Assguard”, a chronically masturbating loser named Bruce Boner (Rob Mandora) who turns into the purple-skinned sex monster Herk (Kerri Taylor) when he becomes too aroused, and the Widower (Lux Suicide). With only their costumes to help viewers to be able to tell them apart as soon as they toss their used tissues in the closest waste receptacles, the Bravengers set out to destroy Buldgetron and its army of rampaging Sex Bots, with Bore's troublesome sister Pokey (Autumn Bodell) coming to Earth from Assguard during the finale to occasionally stir up trouble.

I'm pretty sure this is the first Bravengers movie Seduction has made, but I can't be sure since there is no listing on IMDb for either an original or a sequel. Even the trailer included on this DVD seems to be confused as it lists the movie's title as just Bravengers. The DVD packaging and movie credits also look to have been put together in a rush because some of the actors' names are misspelled (between the box art and opening and closing credits, there are THREE different spellings for actor Rob Mandora's last name - I'm still not even sure the spelling I used is correct).

The movie itself, if you want to call it that, is just as cheap, sloppy, and full of shameless titillation as the DVD package design. Direction is attributed to “Sofia Ortega” on the trailer and credits, but the DVD box awards that title to John Bacchus, Seduction's top in-house director and one of the key behind-the-scenes players responsible for Seduction's longevity in an ever-changing industry. Bacchus called the shots on many of the inexpensive Sapphic sex celebrations that helped make the company popular with late night Cinemax viewers and lonely video store dwellers with nothing else better to do on the weekends than to watch attractive women with nonexistent acting talent cosplay and copulate.

Some of Seduction's better-known titles include The Erotic Witch Project, The Lord of the G-Strings, SpiderBabe, and Play-Mate of the Apes. They made modest sensations out of their game-for-anything starlets Misty Mundae, Julian Wells, and Darian Caine, but those ladies eventually decided to move on from the Seduction fold. This left the company with a depressing stable of no-name “actors” and “actresses” who can perform well in the copious copulation scenes but have extremely limited emotional range and look like they're reading off cue cards every time they have dialogue - the acting equivalent of blue balls.

Of course, no one watches a movie like Bravengers for the acting, but a little talent during the scenes that don't involve simulated sex might have kept it from being as dreadful as it is. Instead we're treated to an 80-minute parade of lame one-liners delivered with the enthusiasm of a last will and testament reading, softcore canoodling set to droning generic rock and electronic music that wouldn't sound out of place in a sleazy strip club, superheroes who dress and move like exotic dancers, and too many third grade-level uses of pun names like Horny, Dick, and Boner. The production is so cheap it can barely afford practical sets and cars, relying heavily on backgrounds generated with greenscreens to failingly convince the audience that the entire movie isn't being shot in a single warehouse located in a crime-ridden area. I was surprised to see that Seduction sprung for some extras during the “action” scenes, because they could have used cardboard cut-outs of people and no one would have given a damn about that either.

Seduction's movies used to spotlight mainly lesbian sex scenes, but Bravengers only features two of those shoehorned in during the last 20 minutes and lasting barely a minute each. The focus here is primarily on man-woman couplings that often don't even involve the main or supporting characters and usually interrupt the fight scenes like you were watching a cheap superhero flick, accidentally sat on your remote, and were instantly transported to the Playboy Channel. At least they act as a serviceable distraction from the lousy effects compositing that makes each potential set-piece look like a pile of digital mush.

Video/Audio/Extras:

Some turds can't be polished, but they can look like nicer turds with the right lighting and camera equipment. An obvious digital shoot, Bravengers looks decent in a widescreen presentation (1.78:1 aspect ratio) that is clean and bright and doesn't wash out the colors even if the actors end up looking like characters in a video game cut scene due to the scrubbing of facial details and the unbalanced skin tones.

The English Dolby Digital 2.0 audio track performs its intended task well - the dialogue, as turgid as it mostly is, comes out very clear and the female moaning doesn't get drowned out by the terrible music. No subtitles have been provided.

Extras are understandably meager (would you want to hear a commentary from anyone involved with this “movie”?). Claiming to be deleted scenes, the so-called “Naughty Bits” (24 minutes) are merely a trio of extended solo striptease/masturbation scenes performed by unnamed women, one of which I think was playing on Bruce Boner's TV at some point in Bravengers. Lastly, we have trailers for Bravengers and three related Seduction titles - Mad Maxine, Batbabe, and Ironbabe.

The Final Word:

Bravengers: Age of Buldgetron is a lousy movie, just the pits. It can't qualify as either good filmmaking or good softcore porn. It's a waste of money and resources, and I'm sure the people who created the digital special effects almost lost their day jobs at Target because of working overtime to help make this piece of crap. Save your time and hard-earned dollars on this one because I'm sure your mom has a JCPenny's catalog from 1986 that would better suit your masturbatory needs.